How Real Change Actually Happens in Relationships (And How to Know If It’s Possible)

If your partner keeps promising to change — but nothing actually sticks — this episode is for you.

In this episode, Dr. Dar Hawks breaks down what real change in relationships requires, why effort and love alone aren’t enough, and how to tell whether lasting change is actually possible.

You’ll learn:

• Why change is about capacity, not motivation
• The three conditions required for real, sustainable change
• How unmet relationship needs block follow-through
• Signs change may be possible — and signs it isn’t right now
• Why over-functioning quietly prevents change

This episode will help you stop guessing, stop over-giving, and start seeing your relationship clearly — without pressure or self-betrayal.

🎧 Take the Relationship Needs Quiz: https://needs.drdarhawks.com

 🧰 Get the Better Relationships Communication Toolkit: https://toolkit.drdarhawks.com

Chapters

• 0:00 Defining Real Change
• 4:20 Capacity Versus Behavior
• 5:40 Three Conditions For Sustainable Change
• 8:28 Is Change Possible Or Not
• 10:48 Stop Overfunctioning
• 12:33 Your Actual Role And Next Steps
• 14:08 Gentle Clarity And Resources

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 1:28

Welcome to the Healing Relationships from the Inside Out podcast. I'm Dr. Dar Hawkes, and today in episode 73, I'm going to be talking about how real change actually happens in relationships and how to know if it's possible. In the last episode, we talked about why promises don't create lasting change, why good intentions fade, why things improve briefly then fall apart again, and why trying harder doesn't fix what feels broken. Today we're answering the next more important question. What actually creates real change in relationships? And how do you know if it's even possible? Because this matters, not just emotionally, but practically. Many of you are standing at a crossroads. Do I stay? Do I keep trying? Do I let go? Or is there something we haven't tried yet? This episode is not about hope without evidence. It's more about having clarity with compassion. Here's why most people define change incorrectly. Most people think change looks like saying the right things, remembering more, reacting less, following through constantly? But here's the thing: those are outcomes. They're not causes. Change does not start at behavior. Change starts at the capacity to do so. Capacity answers a very different question. Does this person's behavior system have enough safety, regulation, and support to sustain new behaviors? Without capacity, change is then borrowed and it shows up under pressure and then it disappears. This is why someone can love you deeply and still be unable to change. Love is not the same thing as capacity. Here are the three conditions required for real change. Real sustainable change requires these three conditions. Miss even one of them and change collapses. Condition one emotional safety before accountability. Accountability without safety feels like punishment. When someone feels judged, monitored, evaluated, criticized, or measured, their behavior system goes into defense mode. Defense looks like compliance without ownership, agreement without follow through, and effort that fades out once pressure lifts. Emotional safety is not permissiveness, it's the absence of threat. It sounds like I can try without being shamed. I'm allowed to struggle. My worth isn't on the line here. Without this, accountability creates collapse, not growth. Condition two requires sovereign relationship needs before behavior. This is where almost all couples and individuals get stuck. We ask and demand for behavior. Call me more, be more present, stop shutting down, follow through, do what I ask you to do when I ask you to do it. But behavior always protects a sovereign relationship need that's being unmet. When someone resists change, the question is not why won't they do this? The question is what sovereign need feels threatened if they do. Change may feel like loss of freedom, loss of safety, loss of power, loss of belonging, loss of joy or ease. Until sovereign relationship needs are named and stabilized, new behavior will not stick. You cannot build change on threatened or unsafe ground. Condition three, timing before pressure. Timing is unfortunately deeply misunderstood. Change requires internal readiness, regulation, bandwidth, and integration time. Pressure accelerates behavior briefly, then destroys sustainability. This is why ultimatums sometimes produce movement, but rarely produce sustainable transformation. Pressure certainly can force action, but it cannot build capacity. Now let's talk about how to tell if change is even possible. This is the part many of you are waiting for. Here are the five signs change may be possible. Number one, ownership without collapsing. They can acknowledge impact without spiraling into shame or defensiveness, or gaslighting or any other disruptive, demeaning, and toxic behavior. two curiosity instead of justification. They ask questions instead of explaining themselves away. three, consistency at low pressure. Small changes show up when no one is watching. four repair after rupture. They return, reengage, and take responsibility after conflicts. five, a willingness to learn, not just promises. They seek out tools, language, or support instead of relying on themselves or intention alone. Now, here are five signs change is unlikely right now. Chronic defensiveness, blame shifting, minimizing your experience, temporary compliance only during crises, and repeated promises without structural change. This doesn't mean never, it just means not with the current conditions. Here's why you must stop overfunctioning. Overfunctioning feels loving, it feels patient, it feels supportive, but overfunctioning removes the conditions for change. Overfunctioning means doing more, giving more, showing up more, trying to do different things differently, trying to solve things on your own. When you remind, soften, accommodate imbalances, and carry the emotional load, you stabilize the behavior system for them while destabilizing yourself. And paradoxically, the more you hold it together, the less urgency there is for anything to change. This is not punishment. This is physics. What your job and role actually is is what I want to cover now. Your job is not to convince, manage, parent, motivate, or rescue. Your job is to stabilize your own emotional safety, name your sovereign relationship needs clearly, stop compensating for misalignment, and observe what rises to meet you where you are. Clarity will reveal truth faster than pressure ever will. If you're listening and feel heavy, please hear this. You are not wrong for wanting consistency. You are not asking for too much. You are not failing because change hasn't happened yet. Change is not about effort, it's about conditions. And conditions can be assessed, they can be built, or they can be acknowledged as absent. If you want clarity around your dominant, sovereign relationship need, what you've been protecting, what's actually missing, or what path is healthiest for you, start with the Free Relationship Needs quiz. You can take the quiz at needs.darhawks.com. And if you want support stabilizing your emotional safety before making big decisions that impact you and your relationships, the Better Relationships Communication Toolkit will give you structure without pressure. You can learn more about the toolkit at toolkit.drdarhawks.com. Also, you don't need certainty and clarity today. I invite you to consider that you need truth gently, clearly, and without self-betrayal. And that's what I do here. Thank you for listening. Please reach out to me. You can do that at drhawks.com and click the contact link on the top right of the page. Or I look forward to seeing you in the needs quiz or in the communication toolkit, and I'll meet you in the next episode.