Ep72 Why Your Partner Won’t Change, Even When They Say They Will

Your partner promises to change — but nothing ever sticks.

In this episode, Dr. Dar Hawks explains why change fails in relationships even when intentions are sincere, and why pressure, over-explaining, and “trying harder” often make things worse.

You’ll learn:

• Why promises don’t equal capacity
• The role emotional safety plays in lasting change
• How unmet relationship needs block follow-through
• Why this pattern isn’t your fault — and what actually helps

If you’re exhausted from repeating the same conversations and wondering whether real change is possible, this episode will give you clarity, relief, and next steps.

🎧 Take the Relationship Needs Quiz: https://needs.drdarhawks.com

 🧰 Get the Better Relationships Communication Toolkit: https://toolkit.drdarhawks.com

Chapters

• 0:00 Why Promises Keep Failing
• 4:18 Emotion Versus Capacity
• 6:28 The Loop Of Brief Improvement
• 7:58 Emotional Safety Defined
• 9:38 Pressure Triggers Protection
• 11:48 Threatened Core Needs
• 13:43 Capacity Over Willpower

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 1:28

Welcome to episode 72 of the Healing Relationships from the Inside Out podcast. I'm Dr. Dar Hawkes, your host and relationship and communication coach. Today I'm talking about why your partner won't change, even when they say they will. If promises were enough, if good intentions created lasting change, or if love alone fixed destructive patterns, you would not still be here. And if you've ever thought they say they'll change, they mean it in the moment, or why does it fall apart again? This episode is for you. Because here's the truth, most relationship advice will not tell you. Your partner's lack of change is not proof that they don't care or they don't love you. And it's also not proof that you haven't explained yourself well enough. Change does not fail because of motivation. It fails because the conditions for change don't exist. And today we are going to talk about what those conditions actually are so you can stop blaming yourself, stop overgiving or overfunctioning, and start seeing things more clearly. Let's start with something important. Most people are truly sincere when they promise to change. They mean it in that moment. What's happening is usually this. They feel your pain, they feel guilt or fear or shame, they want the tension or conflict to stop, and they want to be good or enough. And that's why they promise. But unfortunately, promises are made from emotion, not from capacity. And capacity is the missing piece. Capacity meaning the ability to change, the capacity to change. Because when the moment passes, when the nervous system settles, and when the pressure lifts, their old patterns come back online. Not because they lied, not because they don't care or don't love you, but because nothing within them or inside them has changed yet. This is the loop many of you are living in. You reach a breaking point. You finally say how bad it is. They promise to do better. Things improve briefly, but then they fade. And every time this happens, something breaks inside you. You stop trusting your own perception. You wonder if you're asking too much. You start shrinking your own needs, and you even sacrifice yourself for the relationship. But here's what is actually happening. You are trying to create behavioral change without emotional safety. And emotional safety is not the same thing as love. It's not the same thing as being calm, and it's not the same thing as we're not fighting, nor is it the same thing as being in love. Safety is about whether someone and their body, mind, and spirit feels regulated enough to do something new? Do they feel safe enough to do something new? Do they see the capacity and the possibility of something new? And do they see what's possible for them out of this something new? Without safety, change feels like threat. Most women clients in my work do everything right. They explain clearly, they stay calm, they soften their tone, they avoid blame, but still nothing sticks. Why? Because pressure, even gentle pressure or energetic pressure through thoughts and feelings, activates self-protection, not growth. Pressure sounds like I need you to change or I can't stay. We've talked about this so many times. Why can't you just follow through? Why can't you just do what I ask when I ask you to? Even when spoken kindly, the message underneath is you're failing. You're not good enough. And when someone's behavioral system hears failure, it doesn't open, it defends. And when someone senses or hears failure, they don't open up, they become defensive. So they then minimize, justify, defend, agree to make it stop, and then revert once the threat passes. This is not manipulation, it's self-protection. Now let's talk about the peace almost no one names. People don't change when their core relationship needs are threatened. For example, if change feels like loss of freedom, they're going to resist. If change feels like loss of safety, they're going to shut down. If change feels like loss of power, they're going to get defensive. And here's where many heart-centered, compassionate, caring women get stuck. You're asking for change from your own sovereign relationship need without realizing what it costs in their sovereign relationship need. So both of you feel unsafe. Both of you feel unseen. Both of you feel unheard. And both of you could feel misunderstood. So nothing moves forward. This is why understanding your dominant sovereign relationship need and theirs matters so much. Without that, change feels like sacrifice and giving up instead of mutual alignment. I want to say this clearly. Trying harder will not make your partner change. Explaining better will not make your partner change. Being more patient will not make your partner change. Giving more will not make your partner change. Because change is not a moral decision, it is a capacity-based process. And capacity grows when emotional safety increases, nervous systems stabilize, and needs are named without threat. This is why some couples change after a crisis and others collapse. It's not willpower, it's whether the conditions were right. Sustainable change requires three things. Number one, safety before accountability. And I'm going to add in one more. Conversations that bring out what each other can and are willing to do to create a better relationship. When these exist, change feels possible. When they don't, promises are just coping strategies. And this is the hardest truth. You cannot make someone change, but you can stop participating in the energetics, dynamics, and behaviors that prevent change. If this is hitting close to home, please hear me out. You are not foolish for believing your partner. You are not naive for hoping. You are not weak for staying as long as you have. You have been responding from love, from loyalty, from care, from compassion. What's missing is not effort, it's structure. And clarity gives you structure and empowerment. If you want to understand why this keeps happening, what your relationship need actually is, how to stop overfunctioning, or how to assess whether change is possible, I invite you to start with my relationship needs quiz. It will give you language, clarity, and grounding, not pressure. You can take the quiz by going to my website, drhawks.com. That's dr.com, and at the top right you'll see the button for the quiz. And if you are ready to stabilize emotional safety before making big decisions, the Better Relationships Communication Toolkit will walk you through that step by step. You can get the toolkit at toolkit.drhawks.com. You don't need more promises, you need the right conditions, and that's what we build here together. I look forward to meeting you in the quiz or in the toolkit and in the next podcast. Thank you so much for your time and your listening.