Ep71 Understanding Communication Breakdowns Starts With Naming Your Needs

You can communicate calmly, clearly, and thoughtfully — and still feel unheard, misunderstood, or stuck.

In this episode, Dr. Dar Hawks explains why communication breaks down in relationships when core relationship needs feel threatened, and why talking more often makes things worse instead of better.

You’ll learn:

• Why communication works for logistics but fails when something emotional is at stake
• How unmet needs — not poor communication skills — drive conflict
• The five core (sovereign) relationship needs and how each one disrupts communication differently
• Why you keep repeating yourself even when you’re being clear
• What actually helps communication soften and shift

This episode goes deeper than communication tips and offers a framework to finally understand what’s really happening underneath the words.

✨ Take the Relationship Needs Quiz
Discover which needs are most active for you and why communication keeps breaking down:
👉 https://drdarhawks.com/relationship-needs-quiz

✨ Explore the Better Relationships Communication Toolkit
Learn how to communicate from clarity, safety, and self-trust — not exhaustion:
👉 https://toolkit.drdarhawks.com

🧾 Episode Show Notes (Short + Skimmable)

• Why communication breaks down when something important is at stake
• How unmet relationship needs shape conversations
• The 5 Sovereign Relationship Needs explained
• Why repeating yourself is a sign of unmet needs, not poor communication
• How clarity changes communication naturally

👉 Take the Relationship Needs Quiz:
 https://drdarhawks.com/relationship-needs-quiz

👉 Better Relationships Communication Toolkit:
 https://toolkit.drdarhawks.com

Chapters

• 0:00 Setting The Frame
• 3:31 Communication As A Body Event
• 5:06 The Five Sovereign Needs
• 6:57 Love And Belonging Threats
• 9:01 Safety And Survival Triggers
• 10:41 Freedom And Withdrawal Patterns
• 12:23 Empowerment And Feeling Invisible
• 13:53 Fun, Joy, And Emotional Weight
• 15:33 Why We Repeat Ourselves

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 1:28

Welcome to the Healing Relationships from the Inside Out podcast. I'm Dr. Dar Hawkes, and in today's episode, we're going to talk about why communication breaks down when your core relationship needs are not met. Before we begin, I want to slow us down just for a moment. Not with a big breath, just a gentle pause. Because today's episode is not about learning another communication skill. It's about understanding why communication stops working the moment something actually deeply matters to you. If you've ever thought, I say it calmly and it still goes sideways. I explain myself and nothing changes. I'm exhausted from trying to communicate better. Then this episode is for you. In the last episode, we talked about why talking about your feelings really doesn't solve or fix relationship problems. Today we're going to go deeper. Because communication doesn't break randomly. It breaks when a core relationship need feels threatened. And once you understand which need is active or triggered, communication stops feeling so confusing and starts making sense. I'm going to start with an overview as to why communication fails when it matters most. Notice this. Communication works just fine around logistics. Things like schedules, errands, planning, or transactional type, things that need to get done, tasks. It breaks when you're talking about feeling alone, feeling unappreciated, feeling unsafe, feeling controlled, or feeling invisible. In other words, when something important to you is at that's because communication is not primarily a language event. It is a body event. And it is a cellular memory event. The moment something meaningful feels at risk, your body moves into protection mode before your mind chooses or can even choose words. So when you think, why did that conversation blow up? Or why did I shut down even though I wanted to talk? It's not because you said it wrong, it's because a sovereign relationship need went into protection mode. I'd like to now remind you or introduce you to the five sovereign relationship needs if this is the first time you're hearing about it. In my work, I teach that every human being has five core sovereign relationship needs. These are not preferences, they're not wants, they are deep human needs. They are love and belonging, safety and survival, freedom, empowerment or power, and fun, which is also something I call joy. Every repeating argument, every stuck conversation, every communication breakdown can be traced back to one or more of these needs feeling threatened. And here's what most advice misses. Each need collapses communication in a different way. That's why generic communication advice so often fails. Let's start with the first sovereign relationship need of love and belonging. When love and belonging feels threatened, communication becomes emotional and exhausting. This is the woman who says, I've already explained this three times. I just want to feel close to you. Why don't you understand how much this hurts? Underneath the words is a fear of disconnection. The body is saying, if I don't get this right, I could lose closeness. So communication then turns into over-explaining, increasing tone, clarifying intent, or chasing reassurance and validation. Here's the painful truth. The more you talk from the fear space of love and belonging, the less it lands. Because your partner doesn't hear a request, they hear pressure. Love and belonging is not restored through better wording. It is restored through intentional and felt connection. Until that happens, no amount of explaining will satisfy this need. Let's now dive into the sovereign relationship need of safety and survival. This need disguises itself as urgency. When it is active or triggered, conversations feel high stakes. You might notice your voice speeding up, your chest tightening, a need for immediate resolution. You're not being dramatic, your body is scanning for threat. Safety activates when there's fear of abandonment, financial instability, emotional unpredictability, or ongoing uncertainty. When safety is threatened, communication is not processed as information, it's processed as risk. That's why calm advice doesn't work here. The nervous system isn't listening for logic, it's listening for danger cues. Until safety is restored, communication will keep collapsing. Let's now dive into the sovereign relationship need of freedom. When your freedom feels threatened, communication collapses in the opposite direction. Instead of talking more, people pull away. This is where you hear I don't want to talk about this. This feels like too much. I need space. Freedom is threatened when communication feels controlling, emotionally crowded, or endless. Here's the paradox talking more makes freedom feel less safe. So the more one partner pushes to communicate, the more the other withdraws. This is not indifference or lack of caring. It is self-protection. And until freedom is respected, communication will not stabilize. Now let's talk about empowerment or inner power. This need shows up when someone feels dismissed, minimized, or invisible. Communication here turns into explaining yourself repeatedly, trying to sound reasonable, or justifying your feelings. This is the woman who says, I'm not asking for too much. I just want you to take me seriously. I want to be treated as an equal partner. The body is saying, if I don't make sense here, I don't matter. No amount of calm explanation restores it. Empowerment and power. Empowerment and power is restored when someone feels seen, respected, and taken seriously. Without that, communication becomes emotional labor. Let's now talk about the sovereign relationship need of fun. Finally, fun and what I call joy. When this need goes unmet, communication becomes heavy. Everything feels serious. Conversations feel like work. People say we only talk about problems. But here's the truth. Fun and that sense of joy actually regulates your body and creates connection. Without it, communication carries too much weight and resentment builds quietly. You can't talk your way back to joy. You have to create it within yourself and then experience it. Now I want to talk about why you keep repeating yourself. If you've ever wondered why do I keep saying the same thing, here's the truth. Repetition is not poor communication. It's simply a need that has not been named yet. Once the right need is identified, words naturally reduce, urgency drops, and clarity increases. Let's slow this down. You might gently ask yourself, which of these five sovereign relationship needs feels most threatened right now? What am I actually asking for beneath my words? What feels at stake in my body when I try to communicate? What do I think I'm losing when I'm trying to communicate? There is no fixing, no judging, just noticing. This is where communication begins to heal from the inside out. If this episode is helping things click for you, the next step is clarity. Take the Relationship Needs Quiz at drhowks.com, and on the top right of that page, you'll see the button to access the Relationship Needs Quiz. It will help you identify your primary need, how your needs show up in conflict, and why communication keeps breaking down. Most people feel relief just naming what's actually driving their struggle. And if you want support learning how to communicate from needs instead of exhaustion or conflict, the Better Relationships Communication Toolkit was created just for you. You can explore it at toolkit.drdarhawks.com. This is not about saying things better. It's about feeling safer, being yourself, and saying what needs to be said in a calm way in your relationships. Lastly, I want to remind you are not bad at communication. You are not too emotional, and you are not failing your relationship or yourself. You've been trying to communicate while protecting needs you were never taught to name. Once those needs are honored, communication becomes simpler, not harder. I'm so glad you're here, and I look forward to connecting with you in the quiz or in the Better Relationships Toolkit or in the next podcast. Please do let me know what you thought about this podcast by leaving a comment on your podcast platform, or you can go to drhawks.com and click the contact button and send me a message there. Thank you so much for your listening and for your time.