Ep67 Are You Married To A Bully? Find out in this episode

What if the person you love has you living on eggshells while telling you it’s all a joke? We open the door on emotional bullying—how it hides behind sarcasm, withdrawal, and scorekeeping—and why so many caring partners end up doubting their reality. With a clear, compassionate lens, we map the five sovereign relationship needs—love and belonging, freedom, fun, safety and survival, and empowerment—and show how each one is honored in healthy bonds and twisted in controlling dynamics.

From there, we get practical. You’ll learn how the nervous system wires to survive hot–cold cycles, mistaking relief for love, and what it takes to gently rewire toward safety and steadiness. We share six grounded steps to stand up for yourself without shouting or shame: name the behavior, pause to regulate, speak with calm strength, reconnect to your core needs, build a circle of safety, and remember that compassion is not compliance. You’ll hear boundary scripts you can use today and body-based practices that help you stay centered when tension rises.

As coaches and healers, we’ve seen that when you shift your energy, language, and nervous system responses, power imbalances often soften—and most importantly, you stop feeling powerless. If you’ve been told you’re too sensitive or made to earn love by pleasing, this conversation offers clarity, validation, and tools to reclaim your voice and peace. Subscribe, share with someone who needs it, and leave a review to help others find support. Ready for a first step? Take the sovereign relationship needs quiz and book a free discovery call to begin your path back to safety and self-worth.

Welcome to The Better Relationships Podcast with Dr. Dar Hawks, your guide to building stronger, more fulfilling relationships. Each episode dives into Dr. Dar’s proven Relationship Success Framework, offering practical strategies to help you express your needs, handle difficult conversations, and nurture emotional harmony in all your relationships. Ready to understand yourself and your loved ones better? Take the free Primary Relationship Needs Quiz at needs.drdarhawks.com and start your jou

Thanks for listening today! If something in this episode spoke to you, Dr. Dar would love to connect. You can book a consultation here or take the free quiz at needs.drdarhawks.com if you haven't done so yet. This podcast is for coaching support and education only.

Chapters

• 1:08 Are You Married To A Bully
• 3:17 Signs Of Emotional Bullying
• 5:11 Words That Chip Away Worth
• 7:14 The Five Sovereign Needs
• 9:30 Nervous System Survival Modes
• 11:10 When Pain Feels Like Love
• 12:52 Six Steps To Stand Up
• 16:19 Tools To Reclaim Power

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:34

Welcome to episode 67 of the Better Relationships Podcast, where we heal relationships from the inside out. I'm Dr. Dar Hawks, your relationship and communication healer, who guides compassionate women and couples to transform painful patterns into peaceful, empowered partnerships, and build relationships rooted in trust, respect, and authentic emotional connection. Today's topic is a question: Are you married to a bully? How to recognize emotional bullying, understand the role your nervous system has, and reclaim your inner peace and value and worth. You never thought you'd use the word bully to describe the person you married, yet here you are, walking on eggshells, second guessing your words, and wondering when kindness and compassion will return. Emotional bullying doesn't always look like shouting or name-calling. Sometimes it hides behind sarcasm, control, silence, or subtle put-downs. And for heart-centered, compassionate women and partners, especially those who lead with care and giving, it can be confusing, painful, and deeply isolating. Because we feel all alone and we feel like we cannot share how we're feeling with anyone, because we're embarrassed, feel ashamed, or just don't want anyone to know our inner truth of what we're experiencing. Because you feel all alone and you cannot share how you feel with anyone, because you feel embarrassed, ashamed, or just don't want anyone to know your inner truth or what's going on inside your relationship. Because you should know better, because you should have seen the signs earlier. Let's start with how to tell if you're being bullied. You might be experiencing emotional bullying if your partner consistently dismisses your feelings or tells you you're too sensitive or you're too emotional. Your partner uses anger, withdrawal, or criticism to control decisions. Your partner makes you feel guilty for setting boundaries or even having needs. Your partner keeps score of your mistakes but minimizes or dismisses their own. Your partner uses affection as a reward or punishment, or your partner leaves you feeling anxious, small, or invisible after many interactions. Emotional bullying thrives in confusion when love and fear can actually coexist. So if you're feeling confused or you're feeling doubtful, that might also be a sign that maybe you're being bullied. You may still see glimpses of the person you fell in love with and hang on to those glimpses as positive things in the relationship, which then makes it even harder to trust your own perception. Here are things a bully husband or partner might say. You're lucky I put up with you. Why do you always make everything about you? I'm just joking. Can't you take a joke? Oh, you'd be lost without me. What would you do if I wasn't here? If you really loved me, you'd do it my way. You're overreacting, it wasn't that bad. No one else will love you the way I do. These comments might sound casual, even playful, but over time they will chip away at your confidence and sense of self-worth. You likely entered this relationship with a big heart, ready to love fully and create a harmonious, happy, and healthy relationship. But now you might feel like you're drained from trying to fix things. You might feel guilty when you take even a little snippet of time for yourself. You're often afraid of confrontation or your partner's moods or how they're going to react. You might feel confused because sometimes he's loving and sometimes he's cruel. You might feel lonely even while sharing the same bed. You may also still believe that if you just loved harder, communicated better, gave more, or stay patient long enough, he'll change. But bullying isn't a communication issue. It's a power imbalance issue. And it shows up through the five sovereign relationship needs in a bullying dynamic. Every healthy relationship honors and respects these five needs. In a bullying dynamic, they become distorted. With the relationship need of love and belonging, when it's healthy and positive, you feel accepted and included. When it's imbalanced or bullied, you find yourself having to earn love by pleasing or complying. With the freedom sovereign relationship need, when it's healthy and positive, you're encouraged to be yourself, to have your own hobbies and interests, and to have your alone time. When it's imbalanced or bullied, your freedom is restricted or criticized or controlled. With the sovereign relationship need of fun, when it's healthy and positive, there's laughter and lightness in your relationship. When it's imbalanced or bullied, joy disappears and jokes become mockery. With the sovereign relationship need of safety and survival, when it's healthy and positive, you feel completely emotionally and physically safe. You also feel financially, spiritually, and mentally safe. When imbalanced or bullied, you walk on eggshells anticipating reactions. You're afraid of what he might do or say. With the sovereign relationship need of empowerment or power, when it's healthy and positive in your relationship, power is shared, voices respected, and both parties feel empowered. When imbalanced or bullied, one partner dominates and you're silenced or made to feel small. If you feel like you must earn love by pleasing or complying, your freedom is restricted or criticized, joy disappears and jokes become mockery, you walk on eggshells, have doubt, are confused or anticipate your partner's reactions, or your partner dominates and you're silenced or made to feel small. If these things feel more familiar, your nervous system has likely adapted to survive and not thrive. Because your nervous system is your silent protector. It's your body's built-in safety scanner. It constantly asks, Am I safe or am I in danger? When you feel completely loved and supported, your body relaxes, your breath slows, your heart steadies, your shoulders aren't tight, your neck doesn't hurt, you don't have headaches, you don't feel tired and exhausted, your body supports you. That's your calm and connected state where love, trust, and joy can grow. When you're bullied, though, through criticism, control, or fear, your system flips into protection mode. You might freeze to avoid conflict. You might fawn by apologizing or pleasing or dismissing your own needs or your worth. And you might stay hyper-alert, bracing for the next storm. Over time, this becomes your new normal. Your body learns that survival matters more than happiness. And it will start helping you survive until it just can't do it anymore. That's when you start noticing exhaustion, giving up or giving in, feeling you have no choice but to stay, and your body may start failing in various ways. Let's now talk about when your body mistakes bullying for love. Between painful moments, a bully might show affection, and your brain releases oxytocin, which is the bonding neurotransmitter, and dopamine, which provides relief. That hot, cold cycle teaches your body that reconnection after pain feels like love. It's not weakness, it's wiring, but it can be gently rewired. Love is not supposed to hurt and then heal. It's meant to feel safe all the way through. Let's now talk about making a stand for yourself without losing your heart. Standing up for yourself doesn't mean shouting or leaving overnight. It begins inside with truth, boundaries, and compassion for yourself. Number one, name what's happening. Saying to yourself, this is emotional bullying will break denial and begins your healing. Number two, pause before reacting. A deep breath will help your body feel safe enough to choose instead of react. Number three, reclaim your voice. Speak calmly but firmly. It hurts when you say that, or I won't be spoken to like this. Number four, reconnect with your needs. Take the sovereign relationship needs quiz to see which need most requires care. You can do that at needs.drdarhawks.com. Number five, build a circle of safety. Talk with someone who truly sees and supports you. And if you don't feel comfortable talking with anyone in your circle, hire work with a professional relationship and communication coach and healer. They can be your trusted source where you can open up and share everything that's going on for you. Believe me, when you talk about what's happening, it will create the space for you to find and think of ways to heal and make things better for yourself. Number six, remember, compassion is not compliance. You can be kind and strong at the same time. You don't have to go through this alone. If you see yourself in these words, please know this. You're not broken. There's nothing wrong with you. You're responding to a situation that has eroded your sense of safety, and I know you can heal. When you work with me, we'll gently reconnect you to your sovereign relationship needs and use practical science-based tools to calm your nervous system, strengthen your voice, and restore emotional balance without blame or shame. You'll learn subtle communication and energy techniques that can de-escalate tension. You'll learn body-based awareness that keeps you centered. You'll learn healthy boundary language that protects your peace. And you'll build empowerment from the inside out so you feel steady and confident. And you'll learn how to transform the buttons your partner pushes to maintain control. Many of my clients find that as they shift their energy, language, and nervous system responses, the bullying behavior often softens and can stop. But most importantly, they stop feeling powerless. Healing doesn't begin when he changes, it begins when you remember your worth. Let's transform your relationship from the inside out. You've spent so long trying to keep the peace. Now it's time to find inner peace, the kind that changes everything around you. When you honor your own sovereign needs, communication becomes clearer, confidence grows, and relationships begin to heal from the inside out. You don't have to leave to change the story, but you do have to begin with yourself. Here's what I invite you to do. First, take the sovereign relationship needs quiz because that starts with building your awareness. You can take the quiz at needs.docdarhawks.com. That's need. That's needs.com. Secondly, book a free discovery call. Let's talk about what's happening and explore small compassionate steps towards change. Work with me one-on-one. Together we'll design a path that restores your peace, power, and sense of belonging. You can schedule a free discovery call or book a session with me at contact.drhawks.com. Thank you for your time and for your listening. I look forward to seeing you in the quiz, in a discovery call, or in a coaching session. Please put yourself first for your health and well being.