Ep66 Learn to spot triangulation, set boundaries, and replace drama with direct, healthy communication

Ever been blindsided by “they said” or dragged into someone else’s drama as the designated fixer? We dive into triangulation—the quiet manipulation that pulls a third person into conflict—and show how it erodes trust, fuels jealousy, and keeps problems unsolved. Drawing from real‑world examples in couples, families, and teams, we break down the three shifting roles (victim, persecutor, rescuer), the telltale scripts that signal a triangle forming, and why good intentions often make rescuers part of the problem.

From favoritism that turns siblings into rivals to social posts that weaponize exclusion, we explore how triangulation hooks into core relationship needs—love and belonging, freedom/autonomy, fun, empowerment, and safety. You’ll learn how those needs get hijacked to create dependency and doubt, and how to meet them in healthy, direct ways instead. We share clear, repeatable tools: boundary phrases that close triangles, present‑focused language that invites repair, and simple redirects that move gossip back to the people who can actually fix it.

If you’re tired of carrying secrets, walking on eggshells, or wondering who to trust, this conversation offers a path out: fewer middlemen, more straight talk, and practical steps you can use today. Ready to swap drama for clarity? Subscribe, share this episode with a friend who needs it, and leave a review telling us which boundary you’ll try first.

Welcome to The Better Relationships Podcast with Dr. Dar Hawks, your guide to building stronger, more fulfilling relationships. Each episode dives into Dr. Dar’s proven Relationship Success Framework, offering practical strategies to help you express your needs, handle difficult conversations, and nurture emotional harmony in all your relationships. Ready to understand yourself and your loved ones better? Take the free Primary Relationship Needs Quiz at needs.drdarhawks.com and start your jou

Did you know? Taking the Primary Relationship Needs Quiz doesn’t just give you insight—it also grants you free access to Dr. Dar’s Relationship Education Video Series and the Better Relationships Community. Inside, you’ll find monthly live events, grounded relationship guidance, and exclusive coaching rates—everything designed to help you feel supported and empowered in your relationships. Visit needs.drdarhawks.com to join our community today!

Thanks for listening today! If something in this episode spoke to you, Dr. Dar would love to connect. You can book a consultation here or take the free quiz at needs.drdarhawks.com if you haven't done so yet. This podcast is for coaching support and education only.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome & Why You Feel Stuck
• 2:46 What Triangulation Is
• 7:04 Roles: Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer
• 13:58 Romantic Relationship Examples
• 22:16 Family Favoritism & Sibling Fallout
• 30:46 Jealousy, “They Said,” and Dependency
• 39:16 Emotional Toll and Warning Signs
• 48:16 Where We Learn Triangulation
• 54:56 Five Primary Relationship Needs
• 1:02:16 Boundaries, Direct Talk, and Support

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:34

Welcome to episode 66 of the Better Relationships Podcast. I'm Dr. Dar Hawks, your host and relationship healer and communication coach. I help individuals and couples heal emotional pain, communicate effectively, and create stronger, more connected relationships. Today's topic is about feeling left out, unheard, mistrusted, and confused, along with the emotional toll of being caught in the middle of conflicts. So let's get started. Have you ever found yourself stuck in the middle of a heated argument and felt like an outsider with no say-so? Maybe you've been caught between two sides that don't get along. Maybe you've been caught between two sides that don't get along. And you found yourself unsure of who to believe or to stand with. These experiences can be really tough emotionally, leaving you feeling left out, ignored, unsure of who to trust, and confused. Carrying this weight can make you feel isolated, anxious, and even depressed. Today I'm talking about a concept called triangulation relationships. The reason why I want to make you aware of what this is, along with examples, is because triangulation is an extremely common manipulation tactic. Most people have experienced it in their personal and professional relationships. So let me share what triangulation is. It occurs when someone brings a third person into a problem or a conflict instead of dealing with it directly with the person involved. They might do this to avoid a tough conversation, try to control the situation, or just make things confusing. Here are some high-level examples. I'm going to dive into examples that my clients came to me to help them sort out and deal with. Their names have been changed to protect their identity and confidentiality. High-level examples include talking behind someone's back instead of speaking directly to them, playing favorites, or purposely and intentionally leaving someone out. Usually, the aim is to keep power, control, or influence in a relationship by keeping people divided or uncertain. This kind of behavior can happen anywhere, between partners, family friends, between partners, family members, friends, or even co-workers. It often leads to unhealthy situations and leaves issues unresolved because, frankly, people just are not addressing them directly face to face. And I think that's because we don't feel secure and confident and strong enough in how we're communicating and what we're saying and how we manage the reaction or response from the other person. Either we feel like they're going to get angry and we don't want to deal with that, or maybe we're fearful of their reaction, or maybe we just don't have the right words, or when we communicate, the right words don't come out. Whatever the reason is, the bottom line is many of us just are not addressing issues directly with each other. And I'm here to help you with that. There truly is a very adult, calm, collected way to do it. And there's a way to manage other people's reactions. And my gift, some of my talent, is to help you find the right words, get confident in yourself, plan and prepare for the conversation, know the right timing to have the conversation, and then for you to go have the conversation, and then us follow up to see if there's anything else that needs to happen in order to resolve the issue. When you're a truly caring and generous person, it can feel especially upsetting to get caught up in conflicts caused by triangulation. You may end up feeling ignored, doubted, or confused as you try to figure out what everyone really wants. This constantly changing situation can make you feel like you're just being used, with your loyalty being questioned and your choices being closely watched. Trying to manage the complicated relationships that come with triangulation is mentally and emotionally exhausting. And those of us who are people pleasers or who are generous, caring individuals will try to manage each relationship instead of managing ourselves in those relationships. Being stuck in the middle can also make you feel isolated since it's hard to find someone who really understands what you're going through. Carrying other people's problems and secrets is overwhelming and will leave you drained and with little to no energy for your own needs. There are usually three roles in this situation called triangulation. The first one is the person who feels hurt or mistreated. The second one is the person seen as causing the harm, which is also known as the persecutor. And number three, the person who tries to step in as a mediator or and just a note, the first one, the person who feels hurt or mistreated is usually referred to as the victim. I'm not a fan of that word, but I'm still looking for a better word. And if you have any ideas, please let me know. Triangulation is an indirect way of dealing with conflict that is often learned from family experiences or from watching others. It can hurt your emotional health and break down trust in yourself and your relationships. Instead of being direct about your thoughts or feelings, someone using triangulation might hint at things, spread rumors, or use subtle, shady tactics to create tension between two other people. This can lead to confusion, resentment, anxiety, and even more arguments. Understanding how triangulation works can help you spot it early and make better choices in how you manage yourself and that situation, whether it's about love and belonging, freedom, fun, power, or feeling safe. Those happen to be the five primary relationship needs that we today, as modern humans, have. Everything else, all of our other needs are directly related to these higher level needs because we all have one that we gravitate to that brings out the best in us. And then we have one that just does not create the best in us. We just aren't feeling our solid, grounded, confident selves. And to learn which one of the five yours is, you can do that by taking my free relationship needs quiz at needs.drhawks.com. As I mentioned earlier, you can see triangulation happening in many situations. Romantic relationships, family interactions, friendships, and workplaces. Triangulation is extremely harmful because it creates mistrust, jealousy, and competition, making it hard for people to connect honestly and communicate openly. Knowing, recognizing, and understanding it will help you recognize manipulative behavior early on, as I mentioned earlier, so that you can address it directly to prevent further harm and encourage clearer, more honest conversation. Today we're going to cover what triangulation is in relationships, common ways and examples in how it shows up, the reasons behind it, and practical tips on spotting it when it happens. Tips on how to end this harmful pattern are unique to you and your relationship. I truly wish I could dive into solving it here with you if you are experiencing this in your relationships. Alternatively, I invite you to schedule a free consultation at contact.drhawks.com to explore further support and guidance on this topic. In the next section, I'm going to delve deeper into what triangulation looks like in different relationships and how it manifests in various examples and scenarios. This will help you develop a better understanding of its impact and recognize the signs more readily. So let's begin by examining triangulation in romantic relationships, where it often emerges in the form of emotional manipulation or playing one partner against the other. Triangulation usually involves specific roles that lead to unhealthy ways of communicating. Knowing what these roles are can help you see where you or others might fit into a triangulated relationship. I mentioned these roles before, but I'm going to talk a little bit more about them and give you some examples. Number one, the victim role. The victim is the person being emotionally manipulated and stuck between others. This person often feels confused, doubts themselves, worries about being judged, and may just want to smooth things over. They may feel powerless and find it hard to face the situation directly because they're overwhelmed by mixed messages or emotional stress. The victim might also blame themselves and question their own actions or worth, which makes them feel even more vulnerable and alone. Let's talk about the victim role manipulation. Victim role manipulation is when someone pretends to be a victim in a situation to gain sympathy, avoid blame, or control how others see and treat them. Instead of dealing with the issue directly with that person, they may exaggerate how badly they've been treated or involve others by saying things like, everyone thinks you're being unfair to me. This can make people side with them, isolate the real target, or shift attention away from their own behavior. In relationships or groups, this tactic is often used to influence opinions, create alliances, or just avoid responsibility. Here are some phrases that indicate someone's playing the victim role to manipulate you. You're always so mean to me. Even Sarah noticed it and felt bad for me. I had to tell mom how much your words hurt me because I couldn't handle it alone. Even my friends think I don't deserve how you treat me. Let me give you a more detailed example. And a side note here is that these are examples from clients that I have worked with. Their names have been changed to protect their identity and their confidentiality. Anna and Leslie are sisters. Sometimes they argue about chores or whose turn it is to use the computer. One day, Leslie wanted to watch her favorite show, but Anna said she needed the computer for homework. Instead of talking to Anna directly about how she felt and negotiating a suitable time to use the computer that would work with both of them, where she would have quiet time. Instead of talking with Anna directly about how she felt and negotiating a mutually suitable time to use the computer in quiet. Leslie went to their mom and said, Anna is always so mean to me. She never lets me have a turn, and even my friend Emma says it's not fair. I just end up feeling so sad all the time because I never get my way. By saying this, Leslie made herself look like the victim and made Anna seem like the bad sister. She also brought Emma into the story, even though Emma didn't know much about what was happening. Hoping their mom would take her side or maybe even talk to Anna for her. This made Anna feel guilty and upset instead of solving the problem by talking together. The whole family started choosing sides. Leslie makes herself look like the victim, hoping to get sympathy from others and asking them to support her feelings or step in for her. This kind of manipulation can create groups against the targeted person, making that person feel more guilty and making the conflict worse by involving more people instead of promoting direct communication and problem solving. Number two, the persecutor role. The persecutor is the one who stirs up conflict between people for their own benefit. This person uses indirect methods like gossip, showing favoritism, or subtle provoking, instigating, to control what's happening and keep their power and dominance over others. Their goal is usually to create division and keep people unsure of themselves so that they can stay in control and be the savior. Persecutors rarely confront issues openly. Instead, they work behind the scenes to manipulate situations, making it hard for others to deal with the real problem directly. Here are some phrases that could signal you that someone's using persecutor role manipulation. He told me you were the one causing all the problems. She said you started this fight, not me. Other people agree that you're being unreasonable. Here's what persecutor role manipulation looks like in a dating relationship. Emily and Chris have been together for a while. Lately, small disagreements seem to blow up out of nowhere. Chris often feels like he can't do anything right, but he's not sure why. Here's how the persecutor role manipulation played out between them. Emily said, You know, you'd never help around the house. I don't even know why I bother asking you anymore. Chris says, That's not true. I did the dishes yesterday and took out the trash this morning. Emily, sighing, says, Well, apparently that's all you think you have to do. Honestly, my friend Sarah said, if her boyfriend acted like you do, she'd be furious too. Chris says, Why are you bringing Sarah into this? This is between us. Emily, raising her voice, says, Because maybe if you listen to someone else for a change, you'd realize how lazy and inconsiderate you're being. Even my mom noticed it last time she was over. She asked me how I put up with it. Chris said, I didn't know your mom felt that way. I thought things were fine. Emily says, things would be fine if you stopped acting like the problem is me whenever we talk about chores. But no, you always play the victim and try to make me look like the bad guy. In this example, Emily uses the persecutor role manipulation by exaggerating Chris's shortcomings and involving Sarah and her mom as backup for her complaints. She takes on the role of the persecutor, painting Chris as lazy and inconsiderate while making herself seem justified in her anger. This indirect way of communication confuses Chris but also makes him feel isolated and attacked, instead of encouraging open discussion about their issues. A healthier way of addressing this is for Emily to talk about what's happening in the present moment that makes her feel like she's not being supported with chores, for Chris to ask her more questions as to whether this has just happened recently or if it's been ongoing, and for them to sit down and talk about all the chores that have to be done in the house and assigning them to each other in a healthy way based on the strengths and honestly how quickly each one can get it done, and a schedule for how to get it done. There's a lot of other ways to do that, but I wanted to provide you one approach to handling it. Number three is the rescuer role. The rescuer can either encourage manipulation or step in to help one person, sometimes without realizing they're supporting a toxic situation. Most of my clients are in the rescuer role and they are experiencing the victim manipulation and persecutor manipulation. Rescuers might try to settle conflicts, but end up making things worse by picking sides or protecting someone from facing the consequences of their actions. Rescuers often feel the need to fix problems, but by doing so, they may accidentally shield the manipulator and discourage honest communication. In a healthier role, rescuers encourage open conversations and help victims speak up for themselves without enabling unhealthy patterns. When I work with rescuers, I show them how to shift the dialogue so that the victim is no longer attacked and the manipulator no longer feels in power. Their power is diffused. Let me give you some examples of the rescuer role manipulation and how this would look now. And how this could show up. Don't worry, I'll talk to him for you, even though she's really upset with what you did. Let me handle this with our boss, since everyone else is frustrated with your work. I'll smooth things over with mom because she's angry at what happened between you two. Here's a more detailed example. Sarah and Jake met in college. At first they connected easily, and Sarah often talked about how much drama she had with her roommates and her family. She always seemed stressed and would say things like, My mom just doesn't understand me. I wish someone could help her see how hard I'm trying. Jake would listen and offer advice. Soon Sarah started bringing up her problems with her friends too. Jessica is being so cold lately, she said one day. Can you talk to her for me? Maybe you can make her see my side. You're really good at calming people down. Jake wanted to help, so he messaged Jessica to try and smooth things over. This pattern continued as their relationship grew. Whenever Sarah had a conflict, whether it was with friends, professors, or later with coworkers, she would turn to Jake. Could you email my professor and explain why my assignment was late? He listens to you more than me, she'd suggest. Jake began feeling important in Sarah's life. He liked being needed. So he kept stepping in, talking to her friends when there were arguments, handling awkward situations at work events, even calling her mom to explain misunderstandings. After college, they moved in together. When planning their wedding, Sarah leaned on Jake even more. My sister is upset about the bridesmaid dresses. Can you call her and fix it? At every turn, Sarah positioned herself as the victim of unfair treatment and asked Jake to rescue her from each situation. If he hesitated or suggested she handle something herself, Sarah would sigh and just say, I thought you cared enough to help me. By the time they married, Jake was accustomed to smoothing things over for Sarah with everyone in their lives. He didn't realize that this rescuer role had become a condition of their relationship. And he didn't see that Sarah had manipulated situations so that he would keep saving her instead of encouraging her to have direct communication or independence. Now that I've covered the three common roles that occur in this form of manipulation called triangulation, where a person involves other people in the way they manipulate you, I want to talk about the common forms and signs that triangulation is happening through some more examples for you. As I've said before, triangulation can show up in very different ways in your relationships. Here's an example in a marriage situation. Anna and Mark have been married for five years. Lately, Anna feels like Mark isn't listening to her when she talks about her day. Instead of telling Mark how she feels, Anna starts spending more time talking to her friend Sarah about their problems. One evening, when Mark asks Anna, is something wrong? Anna says, Sarah agrees that you never really listen to me. She thinks I deserve more attention from you. Mark feels hurt and confused because he didn't know Anna was so upset. And now he feels like Sarah is taking sides against him. Later, Anna goes out with Sarah and some other friends without inviting Mark. She posts happy pictures online with captions like, with people who truly get me. When Mark sees the photos and asks why he wasn't invited, Anna says, I just needed to be with people who appreciate me. Mark starts feeling left out and jealous. Instead of talking directly to each other and working through their feelings, Anna's actions make Mark feel even more insecure in their relationship. This creates more distance between them and makes it harder for them to solve their problems together. This example shows how bringing another person into a couple's conflict either by seeking support from someone else or by making the partner feel excluded can create jealousy, hurt feelings, and bigger problems in the relationship. I'm going to now walk through some different categories or different types of triangulation that you'll probably recognize. This example shows how bringing another person into a couple's conflict, either by seeking support from someone else or making the partner feel excluded, or even including somebody that you think will help you. This can create jealousy, hurt feelings, and bigger problems in the relationship. Oftentimes it's more effective if you're experiencing triangulation to hire a professional coach or a counselor to help you solve the issue, as opposed to involving third parties. Now I want to go through some types of triangulation that occur so that you can get a better understanding of how this shows up in everyday relationships. And I apologize in advance because now that you're going to learn this, you're going to start noticing people do it. And I'm sorry I'm doing that to you, but it's for your benefit and for you to just observe and not try to fix it and be the rescuer. The first type is favoritism. You know, the golden child versus the scapegoat situation. In families, triangulation often appears as favoritism, where one child is treated better than the others. This creates a golden child versus scapegoat situation, with the favored child getting more attention and special treatment while the others are blamed or ignored. Things like this are said by parents. Your sister always listens to me and does what I ask. Why can't you be more like her? Dad told me I'm his favorite, and he's really disappointed in you. Mom says you always mess things up, but I never do. Favoritism shows up in very subtle but hurtful ways. In the Johnson family business, two siblings, Sam and Lily, both worked under their mom's supervision. Their mom often praised Lily during team meetings by saying things like, Lily always gets her reports in on time. Sam, why can't you be more like your sister? while ignoring or criticizing Sam's efforts. This pattern continued at home. At family dinners, their father would say things like, Lily helped me fix the car today. She's always so helpful, barely mentioning anything Sam did. Sometimes he'd talk to Lily privately and say, You're my favorite. I wish your brother would try harder. Sam often overheard these comments or found out about them from Lily. The favoritism drove a wedge between the siblings. Lily felt pressure to keep living up to her golden child image and worried about letting her parents down. Meanwhile, Sam started pulling back from family talks and stopped volunteering for new projects at work, feeling like nothing he did would ever matter. Over time, this cycle where one child was favored and the other blamed hurt Sam's confidence and damaged their relationship as siblings. Instead of working together at their job or supporting each other at home, both ended up feeling alone. Lily burdened by high expectations and guilt, and Sam by anger and rejection. The family's habit of not talking openly about problems and showing favoritism made it almost impossible for either sibling to express how they felt or to fix their broken relationship. As the rescuer, Lily unintentionally took on the role of the rescuer, constantly striving to meet her parents' expectations and trying to bridge the gap between Sam and their parents. In doing so, she inadvertently reinforced their parents' favoritism. Sam, on the other hand, felt like the victim, constantly overshadowed and invalidated. He became withdrawn and resentful, and he was unable to voice his frustrations or seek support from his family. Their father played the role of the persecutor, perpetuating favoritism and creating a toxic dynamic in the family. The emotional effects of this dysfunctional family dynamic are significant. Both Lily and Sam have probably suffered long-term consequences, such as low self-esteem, trouble building healthy relationships, and a constant feeling of not being heard or valued, feeding a cycle of insecurity. Healing from these experiences takes time, effort, and a real willingness to change from everyone involved, and with individual support from a trained professional relationship and communication coach like myself or a counselor who's trained in triangulation. Still, with the right support, this family can break away from harmful patterns and start rebuilding their relationships based on trust and understanding if they become aware of the damage that this is creating and become aware that change is not as hard as they may think, and that they acknowledge that these behaviors are learned and worked, but they're creating damage, and new behaviors are necessary in order to create healthier children, healthier adults, and a healthier relationship with each other. This is why favoritism is manipulation. The parents' favoritism is a form. Of emotional manipul. By regularly showing preference for one child, they create an unhealthy power imbalance in the family, and they are then able to control how everyone interacts. This kind of manipulation crushes the individuality and self-worth of the less favored child, often leaving them feeling inadequate and isolated. Recognizing these behaviors is essential in order to move past them and build a healthier, more balanced family environment. In summary, the toxic dynamic created by the parents' favoritism has had a profound emotional impact on Lily and Sam. It has affected their self-esteem, their ability to form relationships, their ability to form healthy relationships and have healthy communication, and their overall sense of worth. With the right support and a genuine commitment to change, this family can begin their healing process and work towards building healthier, more nurturing relationships. The second type of triangulation involves stirring up jealousy by bringing in new friends or partners. This is purposefully making someone feel jealous, intentionally making them jealous. This can happen when someone brings new romantic partners or friends into the picture to make others feel left out or unsure about their place in the relationship. Alex said she thinks I'm way more fun than you. I've been talking to someone else who actually cares about what I feel. My friend agrees with me that you're overreacting. Those are examples of phrases you might hear that stirs up jealousy. Here's a story example. Mia and her partner Jordan had been arguing more than usual. Rather than talking about their problems directly, Mia started bringing up her new coworker, Tyler, all the time. At dinner, she laughed about inside jokes they shared and compared Jordan's sense of humor to Tyler's, saying Tyler was funnier. When Jordan said it bothered him, Mia brushed it off, saying, You're just being insecure. Tyler understands me in a way that you haven't lately. The next weekend, Mia went out with Tyler and his friends without inviting Jordan. She posted photos on social media, showing herself laughing and having a great time with them. When Jordan asked why he wasn't included, Mia said, I needed a break with people who actually listened to me. Jordan started feeling jealous and began doubting his place in the relationship. Instead of working through their issues together and with professional support, Mia's actions made him feel even more insecure and pushed them farther apart, showing how stirring up jealousy can be used to create distance between partners. This shows how stirring up jealousy can be used to create distance between partners. As a side note, the reason why I recommend professional support and professional coaching is because coaching is very much about learning what's going on that is unhealthy in these triangulation situations and identifying ways to resolve them. It's a very move forward, action-oriented type of approach to professional support instead of looking at what Jordan did was wrong, what Mia did was incorrect. There's no criticizing or judging or any of that, much less looking at your childhood traumas or criticizing your parents, etc. In professional coaching, it's really about looking at what's what is happening, how is it affecting you, and how is it affecting your partner or the other person, and how is it affecting your relationship? And talking about what is it that you want instead? What would you like to have happen? And assessing whether what it is you would like to have instead is healthy, adjusting that desired result that you want to have a little bit so that it restores a healthy dynamic, and then teaching you and showing you ways to interact that create more of the result that you and your partner or the other person involved would like to have instead. The bottom line is triangulation and manipulation takes a lot of energy. Ultimately, it will drain you, it will affect your health and well-being, it'll affect your productivity, and it just gets tiring and exhausting to maintain it, regardless of which role you're in, the rescuer, the victim, or the persecutor. Now let me talk about the different roles with that story example I just provided. As the rescuer, Mark takes on the role by presenting himself as the bearer of concerns from others. He positions himself as someone who is looking out for Anna's best interests, even if it means relaying potentially negative feedback. Anna is placed in the victim role as she is being targeted with these vagueness, accusations, and statements. She is left feeling confused, anxious, and unsure about how to address the situation. The unidentified everyone or people are presented as the persecutors who have expressed their dissatisfaction or concerns about Anna's actions or behavior. Here's the emotional impact. Anna's emotional well-being is heavily impacted by this. The lack of clarity and specific feedback leaves her feeling isolated, anxious, and unsure about how she is perceived by her team. The ongoing ambiguity surrounding these concerns exacerbates her distress, preventing her from addressing the issue directly or seeking resolution. The unchecked power dynamic within this situation creates and perpetuates a toxic work environment that hinders productivity and collaboration. This manipulation technique is effective because it exploits Anna's desire for acceptance and approval from her team. By presenting himself as a concerned intermediary, Mark gains influence over Anna's perception of herself and the situation. The vagueness of the accusations allows for plausible deniability, making it difficult for Anna to challenge or address the issue directly. This power imbalance leaves her feeling disempowered and dependent on Mark for information and validation. The lack of clarity and specific feedback leaves her feeling isolated, anxious, and unsure about how she's perceived by her team. Mark, as the rescuer, positions himself as the one who can help Anna navigate the situation. By doing so, he gains a sense of power and control over her emotions and actions. Anna's team then becomes the persecutors. They are indirectly causing distress to Anna by perpetuating rumors and making her question her own worth and abilities. Anna is cast as the victim, caught in the middle of this manipulation. She feels powerless and unable to address the issue directly, which then reinforces the victimhood. Anna must prioritize her own self-worth and seek support from trusted individuals and professionals who can help her navigate this challenging situation. By recognizing the manipulation at play and asserting herself and learning how to assert herself without creating more conflict, Anna can begin to reclaim her power and break free from this cycle of triangulation. Mark's manipulation technique is effective because it exploits Anna's desire for acceptance and approval from her team. By presenting himself as a concerned, caring person as an intermediary, Mark gains influence over Anna's perception of herself and the situation. The vagueness of the accusations allows for plausible deniability, making it difficult for Anna to challenge or address the issue directly. This power imbalance leaves her feeling disempowered and dependent on Mark for information and validation. Now let's talk about the only I can do this for you type of manipulation. This type of triangulation happens when one partner or person acts like they're the only one who can meet an important emotional need, offer support, or provide something essential. They may suggest openly or subtly that no one else can do this for you. This is a serious manipulative tactic meant to isolate the other person and make them dependent. Here's a story example. Imagine Alex and Jordan are in a relationship. Whenever Jordan feels upset or needs advice, Alex says things like, Nobody understands you like I do. Your friends just don't get what you need. I'm the only one who really cares about you. If you ever left me, you would never find anyone who could help you the way I can. In this scenario, Alex casts himself as uniquely essential while subtly framing others, such as friends as fam such as friends and family, as inadequate. Jordan starts to question whether their needs can truly be met by anyone else and then becomes less likely to reach out to others for support. Alex, as the rescuer, claims exclusive power to meet Jordan's emotional needs. Jordan, as the victim, is made to feel that only Alex can help or understand her. Friends or family, as the persecutors, are depicted as uncaring or incapable. The emotional impact on Jordan is that she begins to feel isolated from their support network and increasingly dependent on Alex for validation and comfort. Over time, this erodes her self-trust and confidence, and she stops seeking professional help or other help outside the relationship. Or, by insisting only I can do this for you, Alex avoids direct communication about needs and boundaries. Instead, they both create an unhealthy situation where Jordan feels trapped, caught between loyalty to Alex, and doubt about others' intentions. This limits Jordan's freedom and autonomy within the relationship. The only I can do this for you strategy is a classic triangulation move. It leverages exclusivity and dependency to control a romantic partner's access to support and care, ultimately undermining their sense of independence and connection with others. Now let's talk about the they said form of manipulation and triangulation. This happens when one person tries to influence the other by referencing a third party's supposed opinion creating doubt or insecurity. Alex says, you know, my friend Taylor said you're really distant lately. Honestly, I didn't want to believe it, but now I'm starting to see what they mean. In this scenario, Alex doesn't directly communicate his own feelings, but instead brings in an outside perspective. Whether it's real or fabricated to make Jordan question themselves, but instead brings in an outside perspective, real or fabricated, to make Jordan question herself. The they said tactic can make the victim feel isolated and worried about how others perceive them, pushing them to seek reassurance from the manipulator or to change their behavior out of fear of judgment. This indirect approach avoids honest conversation and keeps the true source of criticism hidden. And that is the hallmark of triangulation. In this example, I'm gonna share more about how these roles take form. The rescular role is often taken on by the manipulator. They position themselves as the savior, offering support and care to their partner while subtly undermining their sense of self-reliance. The persecutor role is oftentimes played by the third party whose opinions or actions are being referenced. They probably or may not even be aware that they're being used as a weapon in the manipulator's game. The victim is the partner who's subjected to the manipulation. They may feel confused, hurt, and trapped, struggling to maintain their own autonomy and find their voice in their relationship. By the way, I wanted to bring your attention to words I'm using. I'm using belonging and approval, and in this example, autonomy. Those words are directly related to the five primary relationship needs we each have. And so autonomy equates to freedom, the freedom relationship need. Belonging equates to the love and belonging relationship need. Safety equates to the safety and survival relationship need. I'm calling this out to you because these five needs show up every single day in our interactions and within ourselves as we're interacting with the world in our lives. So I do invite you to take the primary relationship needs quiz at needs.drdarhawks.com and learn what your dominant, your preferred relationship need is, and what your least dominant need is, so that you can learn more about the topics that I talk about in the Better Relationships podcast, and you can relate to them from the perspective of your own dominant or preferred relationship need, and that one need that is your shadow or weaker need. It's the one that doesn't bring out the best in you. Let's now talk about the emotional impact on you of being caught in the middle. I can say from personal experience as a child, triangulation causes deep emotional stress for those involved. Being manipulated this way leads to constant confusion, anxiety, self-doubt, lack of self-worth or questioning self-worth, and insecurity. You might question your own feelings and judgment, and may be unsure of who you can trust. Over time, this will drain your confidence and lowers your self-esteem. When you are repeatedly pulled into conflicts you did not start, it's normal to feel helpless or full of self-doubt. Triangulation can show up in several ways, including having trouble setting clear boundaries because manipulation makes personal limits unclear, frequent conflicts that start from indirect communication or spreading rumors, feeling left out or isolated as the manipulator decides who is included or excluded, becoming more hesitant to share your feelings openly because you worry they'll be used against you, feeling like you're constantly walking on eggshells, or think you're using or think you're being used as a pawn in someone else's game. These are just some examples. There are many others that I'm sure you can reflect on as well. A compassionate person who is repeatedly triangulated might experience a range of complex emotions, including deep sadness or grief over the loss of trust and connections in the relationships they care about, guilt for wanting to withdraw or protect themselves, fearing that this means they're not being supportive enough, heightened empathy for everyone involved, leading to emotional overwhelm or feeling responsible for fixing the situation, frustration or resentment at being misunderstood or misrepresented by others, a sense of betrayal when their kindness is manipulated or weaponized against them, hopelessness when repeated efforts to resolve conflicts are ignored or twisted, shame for getting caught up in drama even though they acted with good intentions, emotional, mental, and physical fatigue from continuously mediating or trying to keep the peace with others, between others, increased self-doubt as their motives and actions are questioned or distorted by the manipulator, fear of being labeled as difficult or too sensitive if they speak up about the manipulation, loneliness when their genuine attempts at connection result in further isolation, confusion over why their compassion seems to invite mistreatment rather than mutual respect, emotional exhaustion from constantly being on guard for manipulative tactics and trying to anticipate the manipulator's next move, a sense of powerlessness as they witness the manipulator's ability to sway others and manipulate situations to their advantage, loss of self-esteem as the gaslighting and manipulation erode their confidence and sense of self-worth. Anxiety and hyper-vigilance always second-guessing themselves and their interactions with others. Desire for justice and validation, yearning for others to see through the manipulator's facade. Despite these challenging emotions, you do possess a resilience that can help you heal and regain your strength. It is important for you to set boundaries, seek support from trusted professionals, and practice self-care in order to protect your mental and emotional well-being. These feelings can deeply affect a compassionate, caring person's self-sense of self-worth and well-being, making it crucial to recognize these patterns as soon as possible. It is important for you to recognize and accept that you deserve to be in healthy, respectful relationships where your thoughts and feelings are valued. By setting clear boundaries, asserting your needs, and seeking professional support, you can start to build and regain a sense of control and your self-esteem. The longer triangulation or frankly any other kind of manipulation goes unchecked, the more deeply these unhealthy dynamics take hold. Noticing them is an important step toward breaking free from manipulation and bringing balance back to your relationships. When you choose to work with me as your relationship healer and communication coach, there are things that you and I can do without you ever really having to discuss anything with the manipulator that will change the patterns and the behaviors that you are experiencing. I like to say that it takes two people's energies to create a result or a response or a reaction. And when one person implements, change, or transforms theirs, then the other person starts behaving differently. And that is the gift that I have that differentiates me from other service providers. I encourage you to schedule a free consultation with me, and you can do that by going to contact.drhawks.com. Now I want to share about how triangulation is learned or where it comes from. It often starts in childhood, learned from family members and early relationships. Kids watch how adults handle conflicts and emotions. If their parents or other caregivers use indirect ways to solve problems, like talking about it, like talking about one child to another instead of addressing the issues directly, children pick up on this pattern and over time it becomes a habit. Sometimes triangulation is used because people don't feel safe expressing their feelings openly. They might fear rejection, punishment, or being ignored if they speak up. Instead, they involve a third person to get support, gain an advantage, or avoid confrontation. In families where favoritism happens, like the Golden Child versus Scapegoat situation I talked about earlier, children may learn to use triangulation to gain approval or avoid blame. Siblings might compete for attention by bringing parents into their disagreements or by gossiping about each other. At school and work, people can also learn triangulation by seeing others use gossip, alliances, or exclusion as ways to get what they want or avoid dealing with their issues face to face or within themselves. In short, triangulation is learned from watching and experiencing indirect communication patterns at home, school, work, or other institutions. People keep using it because it feels safer than direct communication, and frankly, they don't know how to have direct communication without creating more conflict for themselves or in the interaction with others, even though it causes more harm in the long run. Recognizing where it comes from is your first step to breaking this cycle and building healthier relationships. The best way to keep this from happening in your relationships is to focus on direct communication where you talk openly, directly, and honestly with the people involved. Establish clear boundaries with others to avoid being drawn into these situations. Seek mediation and professional support. As I mentioned before, getting support and professional help truly is a better path when dealing with triangulated relationships, or if you experience this from childhood to now, dealing with it on your own can make you feel alone. So having a strong, supportive partner is important. Relationship and communication coaching truly is a partnership with you to help you achieve what it is you're wanting to achieve and for you to heal and create different relationship interactions where triangulation and manipulation no longer has power over you or is no longer effective. You need people who will listen without judging and will help you trust your own feelings. While you may have trusted friends or family that can be sounding boards where they offer you clear perspectives when manipulative behavior leaves you feeling confused, chances are they're not trained in getting the behavior to stop having an effect on you. They certainly can offer solace in the moment for you, which is absolutely necessary. But getting the behavior to stop is probably not in their domain of expertise where they've been trained professionally to do that. So my guidance for you is absolutely lean on your trusted friends or family members who can be sounding boards that can help you gain clarity, get your mind in the right place, and bring your emotions more in balance in the moment. That is absolutely a healthy thing to do. But if you're wanting to work on making the behavior stop, that's where a professional resource comes into play. When you're building your support system with trusted friends or family, here are some guidelines for you. Pick your allies carefully. Choose people who are consistently empathetic and reliable. Avoid those who may unintentionally support manipulative patterns. Share your experiences. Talking openly about what's happening with your trusted allies can help clear up confusion that you're experiencing caused by indirect communication or gossip. Ask for honest feedback from them. When you're unsure about a situation, trusted supporters can help you check the facts and question false stories. Seek professional guidance. Those of us who are experienced in emotional manipulation can teach you how to set boundaries and rebuild your self-esteem. They can help you work towards stopping the behavior and stop not only the effects of manipulation on you, but also stop manipulation being effective for them. Combining personal support with professional help gives you a strong foundation for healing. It will help you regain control, develop healthier relationships, and lessen the negative impact of toxic dynamics and also work towards you no longer attracting them. Sometimes a decision needs to be made to walk away from toxic conversations, toxic moments, or even relationships, temporarily, in some extreme cases, permanently. I invite you to watch for these warning signs. Ongoing manipulation, conversations that often involve indirect control, gossip, or playing favorites with no real effort to resolve the issues. Emotional exhaustion. You feel drained, anxious, or unsettled after talks that leave you confused or doubting yourself. No responsibility taken. The person manipulating usually denies their actions or refuses to admit the harm caused by their behavior. Boundaries are consistently ignored. Even after you set clear boundaries, they're repeatedly crossed. They are repeatedly crossed without any change. Attempts to isolate you. Someone tries to keep you from talking directly with others, cutting you off from support or clarity. Walking away doesn't always mean ending a relationship for good. Sometimes it's just about putting some distance between yourself and them from certain conversations or situations to protect your mental well-being. You might need to limit contact for a while until trust and respect can be restored. Remove yourself from environments where manipulation happens. Focus instead on spaces that support open and honest communication. Knowing when to step back helps you take control and break free from harmful relationship dynamics. Here's an example from my own life. Ultimately, it really hurt my body's health and my emotional health. And then one day I decided to look at the patterns between all the different companies that I had worked for, and my eyes were opened. I saw the behaviors that I've shared with you here. And I decided I was going to align with opportunities that matched my values and respected the five primary relationship needs of love and belonging, freedom and autonomy, fun, being and feeling empowered, and feeling safe and no longer being in survival mode, but in thriving mode. As soon as I made that decision and started unwinding and putting distance around in the relationships that were not healthy, I started attracting more of the good stuff. So it really is about rewiring your mind and body to stop being affected and impacted by manipulators and manipulative and toxic environments. And as soon as you do that, and hopefully you'll do that working with me in collaboration with me, you will start to notice things change in your life. Now I want to share examples of how triangulation happens with these five relationship needs. Triangulation usually shows up when someone tries, often in an unhealthy way, to meet one. Of the five basic primary relationship needs that I say shape how we interact, behave, make choices, and communicate with others. Understanding these five needs helps explain why people use triangulation and how it impacts everyone involved. You can find out your dominant relationship need by taking the free quiz at needs.drhawks.com. And by the way, when you choose to coach with me, we will talk about your relationship needs and talk about the scenarios and relationships and situations where you're experiencing triangulation. And we will work on removing the connection that those people that are using it against you have on you and restore them to a healthy place to where what they do just doesn't work anymore. It just doesn't work. And you'll also know what to say and what to do if they try. Number one, love and belonging. Triangulation takes advantage of your need to feel connected. A manipulator might create teams or rivalries between people to feel more loved themselves or to control who gets emotional support, and that makes others depend more on them. Number two, freedom or autonomy. If someone feels their independence is threatened, they might use triangulation to get control back without being direct. By bringing a third person into the mix, they cause confusion and split loyalties, which limits open conversation and other people's freedom. Which limits open conversations and other people's freedom. Number three, fun. Even your need for fun can be used against you. When someone stirs up drama or jealousy through triangulation, relationships turn into emotional games that might seem exciting, but actually damage trust and real enjoyment. Number four, feeling empowered. Power is often at the heart of triangulation and manipulation. The person manipulating keeps control by managing what information gets shared, encouraging conflict, and making themselves seem like the only one who can keep things together. Some people, especially those worried about being abandoned or rejected, use triangulation as a way to feel safe. Bringing in a third person gives them reassurance or helps them avoid threats to their emotional well-being. Knowing these deeper relationship needs will make it easier for you to see why transition continues even though it's harmful. And it shows why meeting these needs through honest communication and in a healthier way is so important instead. Here's a reminder to take the free relationship needs quiz at needs.drhawks.com. That's needs.dr H W K S dot com. Here are some ways we can work together to outsmart triangulation. I'll show you how to spot the warning signs early. We will focus on learning direct communication without creating more conflict. We will set clearer boundaries. We will promote openness. We will work on avoiding falling into the three roles. We will learn how to stick to the facts. I will show you how to protect your emotional health. We will work together about how to be honest about your underlying needs. And you will learn how to know when to step back. Changing these habits takes time and patience. Be kind to yourself as you work through it. I invite you to schedule a free consultation with me so that we can work on these things that I've mentioned together. And you can do that by going to consult.drdarhawks.com. That's consult.dr H A W K S dot com. If you've experienced any of what I've talked about in this episode, you recognize some of it, please don't wait. Schedule the free consult and we'll see if coaching with me is a fit for you. I look forward to hearing your voice and supporting you in any way I can during that call.