Ep65 How to Stop Being Manipulated in Conversations

The difference between "talking to" someone and "talking with" them might seem like a minor distinction, but as Dr. Dar reveals in this eye-opening episode, these subtle word choices can fundamentally shape our relationships. Words aren't just expressions—they're powerful tools that either connect us more deeply or drive wedges between us.

When we use power and control language, we create environments of fear, anxiety, and disconnection. Through numerous real-world examples, Dr. Dar illuminates how domination, manipulation, coercion, silencing, and gaslighting manifest in everyday conversations. These patterns—ranging from obvious behaviors like giving orders without discussion to subtle tactics like questioning someone's memory or reality—gradually erode trust, self-esteem, and relationship health.

The physical and emotional toll of experiencing control language shouldn't be underestimated. Our bodies respond with physiological signals like increased heart rate, tension, or knots in the stomach. Over time, these patterns can lead to anxiety, depression, and even trauma. Most importantly, Dr. Dar emphasizes that recognizing these patterns is the crucial first step toward change.

Supportive language offers a transformative alternative that creates emotional safety and invites vulnerability. By communicating with compassion and empathy, we build bridges rather than walls. This approach resolves conflicts more effectively, deepens connections, and empowers everyone involved. The benefits extend beyond individual relationships to teams, workplaces, and communities.

Making this shift requires patience and practice. Dr. Dar provides practical strategies like planning conversations, using "I" statements, practicing reflective listening, and seeking feedback. She emphasizes that while changing long-established patterns c

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Chapters

• 1:09 Episode Introduction
• 6:04 Power vs Supportive Language Basics
• 9:17 Recognizing Control Language
• 29:59 Examples of Manipulation in Relationships
• 43:54 Silencing and Gaslighting Explained
• 58:10 Impact and Benefits of Supportive Language
• 1:23:43 Overcoming Communication Challenges
• 1:29:50 Twenty Benefits of Supportive Language

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:35

Welcome to Episode 65 of the Better Relationships Podcast. I'm Dr Dar, your host and relationship and communication coach and healer. Today I'm talking about the words that you choose actually guide the results that you get. Here's some communication advice for you in this episode. The words you use can have a huge impact on your relationships. Day-to-day, moment-to-moment interactions how you talk to the people you care about and how they talk to you can either bring you closer together or push you apart, leading to misunderstanding, hurt feelings, resentment and even long-lasting pain for both yourself and them.

Speaker 1: 1:25

Today, my focus is on sharing the difference between power and control language and supportive language, and why making the shift will benefit you, whether other people follow suit or not. Just to give you a small example the difference between a two-letter word and a four-letter word of how the words you choose can make a huge difference. Earlier I said how you talk to people you care about and how they talk to you. Just a switch of one word will make a big difference how you talk with people you care about and how they talk with you. The word to is construed as power and control language. It's hierarchical, it is talking down, but talking with you is very inclusive language. It's supportive language. It immediately draws you in energetically. Let's take a closer look at the difference between power and control language versus supportive, compassionate language, now that I've given you a little teaser and a taste.

Speaker 1: 2:41

The way you communicate can make or break your relationships and make or break your day, and you can help your relationships grow with trust and closeness, or you can cause distance and disconnection in every or any conversation that you have. Think about how it would feel to choose words that truly lift people up, including yourself. Speaking with kindness and purpose creates a safe space where trust and honesty can flourish. In contrast, using language that's about power or control often leaves people feeling shut down, unheard, upset or distant. Supportive language builds trust and openness and creates a safe place. It also creates a mood that's inviting and warm, while power and control language often brings fear, anger, worry, angst, anxiousness and separation, and the energy that goes with power and control language does the same as well the mood that goes with it. You have the ability to change every conversation for the better by choosing compassionate, supportive words and also by listening attentively. I have seen firsthand in my own life and that of my clients how moving from criticism to encouragement can bring people closer together. Let's now explore how using supportive language not only strengthens your relationships, but also helps you and those around you enjoy happier, healthier and more fulfilling interactions.

Speaker 1: 4:40

Power and control language happens when someone speaks or acts in a way that tries to dominate, pressure, control or manipulate either another person, an agenda or what that person wants to have happen. If you've ever felt ignored, pushed into something or like your opinions didn't matter during a conversation, you may have experienced this. Or if you shared about something with someone and they immediately start talking about their own experiences and stories, you may have experienced this. The main goal of power and control language is to take charge, potentially over someone else, over the results, over the conversation, or just to exude self-importance. It's not just about being upset or disagreeing. It's about overruling the other person's feelings, thoughts or choices to get what one wants. The main goal of power and control language is to take charge over someone else, over the results, or just to exude self-importance. To exude self-importance, it's not just about being upset or disagreeing. It's about overruling the other person's feelings, thoughts or choices to get what one wants, or to only focus on themselves Self-absorption in other words. This kind of language can be hard to spot because it can be both obvious and subtle. Sometimes it's clear, such as using orders or making threats or giving ultimatums. Other times it's hidden and it chips away at your confidence by using guilt or twisting words to control how you feel or act, or twisting words to control how you feel or act. Learning to notice these patterns and how to address them in a subtle way is an important first step towards healthier communication and standing up for yourself in relationships without conflict or assertiveness.

Speaker 1: 6:58

The best way to recognize it is to play close attention to how you feel and what your body's physiological response or reaction is. What I mean by physiological response is that your body will react and give you signals in situations. It could be an increased heart rate, feeling beaten down, feeling like something's off, or like you have no choice but to accept the situation you're in feeling tense or anxious, tight shoulders, a sore neck, a headache, sweating or even a knot in your stomach. There are many physiological responses and it's important for you to tune into your body to identify what yours are and what they're trying. Shaking when you feel unsafe, you might start crying when you feel like you can't say what needs to be said, those are just a few examples and every person has a different or unique physiological response to different situations. These physical cues are indicators that power and control language may be at work. Once you start recognizing these signs, it becomes easier to identify the underlying dynamics in your conversation. You can then make informed decisions about how you want to respond and set boundaries to protect yourself and set boundaries to protect yourself.

Speaker 1: 8:43

Let's dive into the various types of power and control, like domination, manipulation, coercion, silencing and more Recognizing power and control language. Let's be real and truthful about the way power and control can show up in your words and the words of others, because understanding it is the first step towards building the loving, respectful relationships you crave and deserve, not only for yourself and of yourself, but also from others. The first thing I want to share with you is that power and control language is about domination. This happens when someone uses language to put themselves above others or expects total obedience. It's that overwhelming feeling when your voice is not even given a chance to be heard. Here are some examples of domination in marriage or family type relationships. Here are some examples of what domination in a marriage or family relationships or, frankly, any relationship looks like.

Speaker 1: 9:45

Number one giving orders without discussion. One partner says you'll do what I say because I'm in charge here, or some variation of that sounds really good which then shuts down any conversation or any shared decision making. Number two controlling money. A spouse decides how every dollar is spent, gives an allowance or withholds money as punishment, making the other person financially dependent and unable to make their own choices. As a side note, these examples I'm providing are more on the exaggerated side. There are varying degrees of strength, forcefulness with these examples I'm going to share throughout this episode. So it's really important that you're aware of the more extreme examples I'm giving you so that you can start discerning whether some of this is happening in your interactions or your relationships. It can be a really mild, very mild case. However, mild cases, if not addressed, can become worse in nature.

Speaker 1: 11:30

The third example is limiting social connections. One partner stops the other from seeing friends or family, saying things like I don't want you to talk to them anymore and that cuts them off from support. Number four constant monitoring Checking texts, emails, call logs, where you're going and what you're doing without permission, emails, call logs, where you're going and what you're doing without permission, and always needing to know where the other person is, while calling it protection or caring or love. Number five ignoring opinions, repeatedly saying things like you don't know what you're talking about, or brushing off a partner's ideas and feelings when making family decisions or just having regular conversations. Number six using threats or fear Threatening, such as if you leave me, you'll be sorry, or if you'll leave me, I'll just hurt myself, or using scary actions like slamming doors or yelling to make someone afraid over time and force them to give in or not challenge them.

Speaker 1: 12:36

Number seven having double standards, setting rules that only apply to one person, such as one spouse can go out while insisting the other stays home and claims that we're doing this because it's for our own good, or it's for the children, or the house needs to be taken care of and can't be left without someone here. Number eight making all the decisions. For example, one parent decides everything about the kid's schooling routines or discipline without asking for the other partner's thoughts or feelings or opinions. Number nine the silent treatment, withdrawing affection or refusing to talk until the other person gives in and does what they want. Number 10, putting down achievements, making light of or mocking a family member's successes by saying something like anyone could have done that it's nothing special, in order to keep them feeling less important and less than who they are.

Speaker 1: 13:41

Number 11, name-calling. This makes you feel ashamed or small, like being told you're so lazy. Even little insults can damage your self-esteem, and especially when they're made within earshot of other people. Number 12, threats that try to force you to do something, such as if you don't do this, I'll leave, or if you don't do this, I'm going to stop giving you an allowance, or if you don't do this, I won't go grocery shopping with you anymore. These are meant to control you and are not designed to have an honest conversation. Number 13, gaslighting when someone acts like your feelings or memories aren't real or your experiences don't count, saying things like you're overreacting, that never happened, and this can make you question yourself and if it happens often enough, you doubt yourself repeatedly. Now I'd like to give you some real-life examples based on what my clients have come to me to help them with over the last two or more decades. Names have been changed to protect and respect the confidentiality of my clients.

Speaker 1: 14:54

Number one complete financial control. Maria's husband handles all their money and won't let her access their bank accounts or credit cards. When Maria asks for money for groceries or personal care needs, he says you don't need to worry about that, I'll take care of it. He criticizes how she spends, calls her irresponsible with money and only gives her small amounts if she does what he wants. Over time, maria feels stuck and powerless and unable to make decisions about her own life.

Speaker 1: 15:31

Number two controlling social life. After Tom and Leslie got married, tom started deciding which friends he could see. He would say things like I don't like the way your friends influence you or if you really loved me, you'd spend more time with me and my family. Instead, whenever Leslie tries to meet an old friend, tom picks a fight or makes her feel guilty until she cancels. She ends up feeling more isolated and depends on Tom more and more for social support, until he is her only support.

Speaker 1: 16:08

Number three dictating everyday routines In their home. Mark insists on strict rules about when meals are eaten, how chores are done and even what TV shows his partner can watch. If everything isn't done exactly his way, he accuses his partner of being disrespectful. Saying things like partner of being disrespectful. Saying things like if you loved me, you'd do things my way. If you cared, you'd do it my way. Eventually, his partner stops sharing opinions or making suggestions out of fear of upsetting him.

Speaker 1: 16:44

Number four withholding affection and communication. Whenever Jen disagrees with her partner or something he does, he gives her the silent treatment, sometimes for days. He ignores her until she apologizes or agrees with him. This makes Jen anxious and desperate to make peace, so she stops sharing her true feelings and lets him make all the decisions. Number five public embarrassment At family or gatherings with friends. Robert mocks his wife's ideas or achievements in front of others. Don't listen to her, she doesn't know what she's talking about, he says. He laughs and scoffs at her efforts to join conversations and points out small mistakes in public. Over time, his wife withdraws from group conversations and loses confidence in herself and in speaking up.

Speaker 1: 17:41

Number six making parenting decisions alone. Sophie tries discussing school options for their child with her husband, but he ignores all of her suggestions. I know what's best, just trust me, he says. He signs their child up for activities without talking to Sophie first, or even talking to their child, and later blames her if problems come up. This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't interfered, he says. Each of these examples show domination through controlling money, social life, daily routines, emotions, confidence or shared responsibilities, often leaving the other person feeling powerless and ignored.

Speaker 1: 18:25

Let's now talk about manipulation. Sometimes conversations can get so confusing that you start doubting yourself or making choices that don't feel right. This is a form of manipulation when someone uses confusion or guilt to influence your actions. Here are some examples of manipulation in family relationships, marriage or, truth be told, any relationship. Number one gaslighting One partner keeps denying or twisting the truth, making the other person question their memory, perceptions or sanity, for example. That never happened, you're just imagining it, even when it clearly did happen.

Speaker 1: 19:11

Number two guilt tripping, saying things like after all, I've done for you, you can't do this one thing for me, to make the other person feel guilty and give in. Number three playing the victim Always. Number three playing the victim Always acting like the injured party in arguments to avoid responsibility, accountability and to get sympathy. Making the other person feel at fault, even if it's partially at fault, if not completely. Number four the silent treatment, refusing to talk or show affection as a way to punish someone until they give in or apologize, even if they didn't do anything wrong.

Speaker 1: 19:56

Number five twisting your words, changing what someone said to make them seem unreasonable or selfish, for example, so you don't care about my feelings at all, after a simple request for personal space. Number six withholding information, keeping important details from a spouse or family member on purpose to keep control over decisions. Number seven emotional blackmail Using phrases like if you really loved me, you'd do this to manipulate your feelings and pressure you into doing something you don't want to do. Number eight creating doubt, regularly questioning a partner's choice or abilities, with comments like are you sure you can handle that? To chip away at their confidence and make them more dependent. Number nine triangulation Involving a third party or a fourth party or a fifth party involving others in disagreements to gang up on one person or influence the outcome of an argument or situation. Number 10, conditional affection showing love, praise or approval only when someone meets certain expectations. For example, I'm proud of you when you listen to me. And an additional note here it's not about being proud of when you listen to them, it's about you taking the actions and doing what they said to do, because just the act of listening is being there and acknowledging what you heard. The action is something completely different from listening. Here's what manipulation can look like in a marriage or family relationship.

Speaker 1: 21:41

Number one twisting words. Maria asked her husband David for an evening to herself. Maria asked her husband David for an evening to herself to relax and recharge. Instead of understanding her need for personal space, david responded sharply. So you're saying you don't care about my feelings at all? I guess spending time with me just isn't important to you. Maria felt guilty and silenced, even though she had made a reasonable request.

Speaker 1: 22:15

Number two withholding information. Terry managed the family's finances and deliberately didn't tell his wife Jen about a large upcoming expense. When Jen found out later, terry dismissed her concerns. I didn't think it was necessary to worry you by keeping her in the dark. Terry dismissed her concerns. I didn't think it was necessary to worry you. By keeping her in the dark, terry maintained control over financial decisions and left Jen powerless.

Speaker 1: 22:39

Number three emotional blackmail. Whenever Sarah wanted to visit her parents for the weekend, her husband Mark would say if you really loved me, you'd want to spend your weekends with me instead of them. This made Sarah feel torn between her love for her family and the fear of hurting Mark's feelings. Number four creating doubt. After Emily shared her plans to apply for a new job, her partner Alex often questioned her abilities. Are you sure you can handle that kind of responsibility. Maybe it's too much for you. Over time, emily began doubting herself and hesitated to pursue opportunities without Alex's approval.

Speaker 1: 23:24

Number five triangulation. During an argument between siblings, their mother sided with one child by telling the other your brother agrees with me. Maybe if you listened more, like he does, we wouldn't have these problems. This approach not only isolates one child, but also manipulates both into competing for approval. Number six conditional affection. Whenever their teenage daughter followed instructions exactly as asked, mr Kim would praise her I'm proud of you when you listen to me and do as I say. Most people, however, would say I'm proud of you when you listen to me, but what they're really saying is I'm proud of you because you did what I said to do. However, if she expressed independent thoughts or disagreed with him, he would withdraw affection and become distant. The message was clear Love and approval were dependent on compliance.

Speaker 1: 24:22

Number seven coercion through threats. When Lisa questioned a major purchase that John wanted to make, he threatened by saying if you don't trust my judgment on this, maybe we shouldn't be making decisions together at all. Lisa felt intimidated and agreed against her better judgment to avoid conflict or further threats. Each of these examples illustrates common forms of manipulation in close relationships. These are all subtle or overt actions that undermine trust and autonomy, while maintaining control and power over another person.

Speaker 1: 25:02

Let's now talk about coercion. If you've ever felt forced or threatened into agreeing with something that goes against your beliefs or values or morality, that is coercion. Here are examples of coercion in a marriage Threatening to leave or withhold affection unless the partner gives in to demands. Pressuring a spouse to make financial choices or sign papers they're uncomfortable with. Pushing for sex by using guilt, threats or emotional manipulation, saying things like if you loved me, you would, using fear of conflict or anger to get agreement. If you don't do this, you know I'll get really upset. And the fear is instilled from the times when anger does show up, because it can be really scary when that person blows up, so you do everything you can to avoid it. Limiting contact with family, friends or support systems to gain control. Criticizing or undermining a partner's confidence so they feel unable to say no, making decisions or setting rules without discussion and expecting obedience. Saying things like this is what we're doing, end of story, we're not discussing it anymore. Or threatening to reveal secrets or private information if the partner doesn't comply. Here's what coercion can look like in a marriage. Here's what coercion can look like in a marriage Threatening to leave or withhold affection.

Speaker 1: 26:36

Sarah felt uneasy whenever she and her husband Mark disagreed, whether it was about family plans, raising their kids or household issues. Mark would threaten to move out or stop talking to her until she agreed with him. Over time, sarah started going along with what he wanted, just to avoid the threat of being left alone or ignored. Number two pressuring financial decisions. Raj wanted a new car, but his wife, priya, wasn't comfortable with the expense. Raj kept pressuring her every day and calling her selfish for hesitating. Finally, he put loan documents in front of her and said sign these now or I'll never trust you again. Feeling trapped and anxious, priya signed, even though she didn't want to.

Speaker 1: 27:28

Number three guilt and sexual coercion. Julia was often tired after work and doing the chores once she got home and didn't always want intimacy. Her husband Tom would say things like if you really loved me, you'd want to be close, and sometimes accused her of being unfaithful if she refused. Julia started saying yes even when she didn't want to, because saying no led to tension and accusations. This also leads to sexual abuse situations which I'm not going to delve into today.

Speaker 1: 28:05

Number four using fear of conflict. Number four whenever Mary disagreed, like when considering a job that meant moving, her husband, john, would yell and get visibly angry. If you don't do this with me, you know how upset I'll get. Do you really want another fight? Scared of his reactions, mary just stopped sharing her opinions altogether and just went with what John wanted. This slowly eroded her happiness, her sense of well-being, and started affecting her physical health.

Speaker 1: 28:39

Number five isolating from family or friends. David disliked how much his wife Lisa talked with her sister. Whenever Lisa made plans or called home, david complained until she canceled. I can't believe. You'd rather be with them than me. Eventually he gave her an ultimatum If you keep choosing them over me, don't expect me to stay around. Lisa slowly lost contact with her support system because of this.

Speaker 1: 29:09

Number six undermining confidence. Anna's husband constantly criticized her, from what she wore to how she managed money, and told her she was not capable. You're too naive, just let me handle it. Hearing this over and over made Anna lose confidence until she stopped objecting at all. Number seven imposing rules without discussion. When big family decisions came up, like moving homes or setting household rules, ethan would just announce what was happening. This is what we're doing. End of story. If Emily protested, ethan dismissed her concerns as unimportant.

Speaker 1: 29:48

Number eight threatening exposure of personal information. After Julia shared sensitive information from her past with Michael during a vulnerable moment, he later used it as leverage during arguments. If you don't do what I want, maybe your parents will find out about your past. Julia ducked because she feared he might reveal her secrets if she didn't go along with him. Here's a side note. I'm very aware that in these examples I am using examples with women and men more focused on the men participating in these behaviors. That's only because these are client examples and their identities and confidentiality is being protected. Both genders participate in these behaviors, either as the victim or the perpetrator, so I just wanted to make that note and call that out in case you're wondering about that.

Speaker 1: 30:49

Let's now talk about silencing. Your feelings are important when someone or anyone ignores or dismisses what you say. It can make you feel unheard and over time, this hurts your self-esteem. Here are some examples of silencing. Number one interrupting or talking over. One person regularly cuts off or talks over the other, showing that their thoughts or feelings aren't welcome. Number two being dismissive when one person shares something meaningful and the other replies with you're overreacting or that's not a big deal or that's not important, making your emotions seem unimportant. Number three ignoring or giving the silent treatment, refusing to talk, ignoring attempts at conversation or walking away when the other person tries to speak. Number four changing the subject Quickly, steering the conversation away from tough topics or topics that they don't want to deal with. That creates the space to to deal with. That creates the space to avoid dealing with concerns or issues.

Speaker 1: 31:57

Number five mocking or using sarcasm. Making fun of or using sarcasm when a spouse tries to communicate, causing them to feel foolish for speaking up. Number six withholding information, keeping important information as secret or not answering questions, leaving the other person feeling left out and powerless. Number seven double standards expecting one person to listen but not offering the same respect in return, but not offering the same respect in return. Number eight downplaying experiences, saying things like you're being too sensitive or it's not that serious anytime you bring up an issue. Number nine threatening consequences for speaking up, using emotional withdrawal, anger or guilt tripping to punish you for expressing your concerns. Number 10, belittling achievements or ideas. Brushing off suggestions or accomplishments as unimportant, sending the message that your voice doesn't matter. Here are some examples of silencing in a marriage the unheard voice.

Speaker 1: 33:05

Melissa tries to talk about their finances with her husband, sean. Every time she brings it up, sean sighs and says here we go again. You always worry too much. If Melissa keeps trying to explain her concerns, sean interrupts her there's nothing to talk about. Let's not start this tonight. Eventually Melissa stops bringing it up because she feels her thoughts don't matter.

Speaker 1: 33:28

Example number two changing the subject. When Brandon shares that he wishes they spent more quality time together, his wife, lisa, quickly changes the topic. Did you remember to pay the electricity bill? She ignores his feelings and if Brandon pushes further, lisa gets up and leaves the room. He ends up feeling alone and like his needs don't count.

Speaker 1: 33:50

Example number three mockery and dismissal. Sarah tells her husband Mark that she feels lonely since he spends most evenings out with friends and most weekends out golfing. Mark laughs and says sarcastically oh no, are you lonely again? Maybe you should get a hobby. Sarah feels embarrassed and stops talking about her feelings. Example number four withholding information. Jessica asks her husband if there's any news about his job after hearing rumors of layoffs at work. He shrugs and says nothing you need to worry about refusing to share details or answer her questions. Jessica then feels left out of decisions that affect both of them and she feels her safety and security becoming more unstable.

Speaker 1: 34:41

Example number five threatening consequences for speaking up. Whenever Ahmed brings up concerns about their parenting choices, his wife Maya gets angry, slamming doors or giving him the silent treatment for days. Ahmed then starts avoiding these conversations just to keep things calm and keep the peace. Example number six minimizing experiences. When Priya tells her husband Arun she's stressed from juggling work and home responsibilities, he says you're just being dramatic. Everybody does it, it's nothing. Priya then starts doubting whether her feelings are valid. Example number seven belittling ideas or achievements. At dinner with friends, emily mentions an idea for starting a small business with her friend. Her husband scoffs and says loudly Emily always has these dreams. She never follows through. Anyway. Emily feels embarrassed and stops sharing her ideas with others and gives up on her dreams. These examples show how silencing someone else can be obvious or subtle, but it always makes it harder for one person to express themselves in the relationship.

Speaker 1: 35:59

Now let's talk about gaslighting. If someone denies what happened or makes you doubt your own memories, truth, morality or experience or values, they're using gaslighting to make you lose trust in yourself. Here are some examples of gaslighting in an intimate relationship. Also, keep in mind that all these behaviors can occur in any type of relationship and they occur in different, differing degrees. You know, a friend might do it one time but then never again, or it's a recurring, slowly emerging pattern in a relationship. Here are some examples of gaslighting in an intimate relationship.

Speaker 1: 36:49

Number one denying events. One partner insists that never happened. When the other mentions a specific argument or hurtful comment, over time, this can make the other person question their own memory and judgment. Number two twisting facts. When called out for being insensitive, a spouse says you're too sensitive, I was just joking. You always overreact, making the other person feel unreasonable for having feelings and questioning themselves. Number three blaming the victim. After shouting or getting angry, one partner says if you didn't act that way, I wouldn't have to yell, putting the blame on the other person instead of taking responsibility. Number four the other person instead of taking responsibility.

Speaker 1: 37:37

Number four withholding information. A spouse keeps important details or decisions secret and later claims I told you about this already, you must have forgotten which causes confusion and self-doubt. Number five undermining confidence when one partner shares, doubts or concerns the other responds with you're just imagining things. You always make problems where there aren't any and this makes the other person distrust their own feelings and thoughts and themselves. Number six creating confusion. A spouse often changes a person, often changes stories about events or conversations and insists the other person is wrong if any inconsistencies are pointed out. Number seven minimizing feelings. When someone shares their emotions and hears the response, you're being dramatic. It's not a big deal. Their real feelings and experiences are dismissed. Now let me give you what gaslighting actually looks like in a relationship.

Speaker 1: 38:38

Number one twisting the truth. Martha noticed her husband pulling away when she told him how hurt she felt after he ignored her at dinner with friends. Steve said that didn't happen. You're remembering it wrong. Everyone saw I was paying attention to you. Martha then started to question her own memory and wondered if she was just being too sensitive. Number two denying what happened. David asked his wife, claire about some strange charges on their joint credit card. Claire replied you must have bought those things yourself and forgot You've been forgetting a lot of things lately. Even though David was sure he hadn't made those purchases, he started to doubt himself.

Speaker 1: 39:22

Number three blaming the other person. When Emily told her husband Mark that his criticism hurt her, mark shot back. If you weren't so emotional all the time, I wouldn't get angry. Instead of discussing what hurt her, mark shot back. If you weren't so emotional all the time, I wouldn't get angry. Instead of discussing what bothered her, emily ended up apologizing for her feelings.

Speaker 1: 39:43

Number four hiding the truth. Jake made a big financial decision without telling his wife, sarah. When she found out and asked him about it, jake calmly said I told you about this weeks ago. You just don't listen or remember. Sarah felt confused and guilty for supposedly forgetting something important. Doubt yourself. Number five making you doubt yourself. When Priscilla brought up worries about her husband's late nights at work, alex dismissed her. You're paranoid. You're always imagining things that aren't real. Over time, priscilla stopped trusting herself and stayed quiet about her concerns, meanwhile losing trust in her relationship and feeling betrayed. Number six creating doubt and confusion. Whenever Lisa mentioned an argument from earlier in the week, her husband insisted it never happened or claimed she exaggerated about what was said. Lisa then started finding it hard to trust her own memories and question them, because Dan's version always contradicted hers. Number seven dismissing your feelings. Daniel tried to explain how neglected he felt because of his wife's busy schedule. She sighed and said you're being dramatic. It's not like I'm ignoring you on purpose. His feelings were brushed off as unimportant or overreacting.

Speaker 1: 41:14

Lying. One of the most harmful tactics in emotional manipulation is lying. This means twisting the truth, denying what really happened or making up stories to confuse you and make themselves look perfect or innocent. The manipulator tries to convince you that only they are telling the truth, only they can be your savior and you shouldn't trust anyone else or any evidence that disagrees with them. This makes it hard to tell what's real and what's not, what's factual and what isn't, and this gives the manipulator more control over your thoughts and actions. For instance, when Mia confronted her partner about a suspicious text message, he insisted it was a wrong number or a silly joke, even though there was clear evidence otherwise. This ongoing dishonesty made Mia lose trust in her own judgment and left her wondering if she was just being paranoid or too sensitive, or if her mind. If she was losing her mind, it can leave someone feeling confused, doubting their own memory and even questioning their sanity.

Speaker 1: 42:23

Now I want to cover the impact of power and control language. If you've ever felt ignored, put down or invisible during a conversation. You've experienced how power and control language can quietly damage trust and lower your self-esteem. When someone uses words to control or belittle you or others, it creates an unhealthy environment and the person on the receiving end feels powerless, unheard and potentially trapped. It's important to remember that if this happened to you, it's not your fault and unfortunately, it happens more often than most people think and even more unfortunately, most people who are on the receiving end do not know how to stop it. They don't know how to stop it without creating more conflict or hurting other people's feelings, or being a stand for themselves, without creating an aggressive situation Over time.

Speaker 1: 43:27

Hearing controlling language again and again doesn't just hurt your feelings. It can seriously affect your emotional health, leading to anxiety, depression, illness and even trauma. It is painful, but I want you to know change is absolutely possible. The effects of this kind of language aren't limited to your personal life. It can spread into your communities and workplaces, making inequality worse and keeping systems of unfairness in place. But by noticing these patterns first, by paying attention to both the words you use and why you use them and why others use them, you can help make things better. And by paying attention to what signals and signs your body's telling you, you can also help to start shifting things. You absolutely can build better relationships based on respect and understanding. It starts with choosing open and honest communication with yourself that values both your own worth and your own independence and that of others. Every move you make towards kinder conversations is a win, not just for you, but also for your relationships and for a more peaceful world. Your voice is important and you deserve to be listened to with kindness and respect, and it's hard to know how to make that happen when you're in this kind of relationship, and that's where I can help. Please schedule a free, no-obligation consultation with me at contactdrdarhawkscom. That's contactdrdarhaw s dot com. Please don't wait. You are way too important to me for you to continue experiencing this in your relationship.

Speaker 1: 45:24

Power and control. Language can sneak into your life in countless ways, sometimes so subtly that it's hard to notice and pinpoint. Ways sometimes so subtly that it's hard to notice and pinpoint. That's why I encourage you to stay aware not just of how others speak to you, but also how you speak with yourself and those around you and, more importantly, how you feel during and after the conversations, noticing these patterns and what's happening with your body is the very first step towards creating relationships built on respect and equality.

Speaker 1: 46:00

If you've experienced these behaviors, please remember. Your feelings and thoughts matter. It's normal to feel anxious when you're always waiting for the next harsh comment or sudden silence. Over time, this can chip away at your self-esteem and make you doubt your own self-worth. This can make it hard for you to handle even simple daily tasks and lowers your productivity. You may even struggle to function or think clearly throughout the day. When communication is used to control instead of understand, it slowly damages your relationship and your emotional, mental, physical and spiritual health. It is exhausting and isolating when fear takes the place of honesty and safety, when every conversation feels like a trap instead of an opportunity to connect. However, by shining a light on these behaviors, you can take back your power and your voice within yourself first, then with others. The first step is for you to regain your confidence, esteem, truth, power and voice.

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You may think that the person using power and control language is the person who must change, and while that is true, they may be less likely to do so. However, I can show you how to create changes in how that person communicates with you by shifting your energy, how you respond and how you interact with them, we will transform the words you use and the mindset that you come to, the conversation and the energy of what your body's doing when you interact with them. When we work on your energy, thoughts, feelings and communication approach, changes will slowly start to occur in your interactions. If you're dealing with someone who uses power and control language with you and you want it to stop, book a coaching session with me. Just one session, one conversation, and let's shift it. Today you can book a session at contactdrdarhawkscom.

Speaker 1: 48:19

You absolutely can break free from the cycle of control and create healthier relationship dynamics by choosing connection over isolation, understanding over fear and pave the way for relationships built on trust and love. And it does start with you first. Choosing supportive language encourages empathy, understanding and collaboration. Now that I've thoroughly covered power and control language examples, let's talk about the benefits of using supportive language. Let's talk about the benefits of using supportive language. These benefits extend far beyond just your surface level. Per pleasant conversations.

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When you communicate with compassion, you create emotional safety, which is a vital foundation for any human relationship and interaction. This safety then invites openness and vulnerability, allowing both parties to share openly, without fear. When you speak from a place of empathy, you build bridges, not walls, and you require fewer boundaries. Using compassionate, supportive communication helps deepen your relationships by validating each other's worth and experiences, it transforms your interactions into moments of trust-building and mutual respect and equality, as well as reciprocity. Supporting others and yourself through your words can soften conflicts, heal wounds and empower both individuals to thrive together.

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Let's now compare the two communication styles and its impact on relationships. When looking at communication styles, it becomes clear how each style affects your relationships. These two approaches shape trust and emotional safety in very different ways. Power and control language creates a toxic environment where fear, resentment, where fear, resentment, loss of self, loss of productivity, depression, anxiety, worry can happen. And here are some of the impacts of that Erosion of trust. When one partner uses domination or manipulation, the other feels unsafe sharing thoughts or feelings. Emotional withdrawal, constant exposure to threats or sarcasm leads to shutting down emotionally as a protective mechanism. Heightened anxiety, living under coercion creates chronic stress that damages mental and physical well-being as well as the relationship.

Speaker 1: 51:10

Supportive language acts as a bridge. It builds connection through respect, empathy, equality and encouragement. Its effects include mutual respect, where individuals feel seen and heard and valued and that lays a foundation for openness. It focuses on cooperation over conflict. When people feel heard, without judgment, they're more willing to collaborate on solutions. And it also creates an openness, a vulnerability that leads to intimacy. Safe environments and communication invite authentic sharing and creates a more fulfilling, deeper relationship. Imagine saying I hear how upsetting this is for you. That validates emotions while inviting further dialogue, instead of dismissive language such as you're being emotional for no reason, drop it. Supportive and compassionate communication prioritizes problem solving over winning competitiveness or being right. It promotes understanding, compromise, negotiation and growth. A partner might say I understand why this is important to you. Let's find a solution that works for both of us. This validates concerns, creates a safe environment while also seeking common ground.

Speaker 1: 52:39

The choice of communication style significantly influences the quality of your relationship, the conversation and your interactions. Choosing supportive language rewires your relationship dynamics from defensive survival mode into an emotionally safe place and space where both partners can grow together or both individuals can. The contrast between these two styles highlights the influence your words and the energy you bring with your words and they bring with theirs have not just on individual feelings, but on the very health of your relationships. Now I'd like to share. Now I would like to do a small case study with you with two scenarios to further demonstrate the difference between power and control language and supportive language.

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Alex and Jordan have been married for five years Recently. They've experienced frequent arguments about household responsibilities and decision making. Here's scenario one with power and control language. When discussing chores, alex often says you never help out unless I remind you. If you don't start doing your part, I'll just do everything myself. This language is accusatory, implies blame and makes Jordan feel defensive and unappreciated. Over time, this dynamic erodes trust and intimacy. Jordan starts withdrawing emotionally, leading to further breakdowns in communication.

Speaker 1: 54:29

Scenario two supportive and compassionate language. Alex tries a new approach suggested by me. I've been feeling overwhelmed with the housework lately. Can we talk about how we might share things more evenly? By expressing feelings with I statements and inviting collaboration, alex creates space for Jordan to respond openly. Jordan feels respected and valued, which encourages a positive conversation about solutions. Together they agree on a new plan that feels fair to both. The outcome of supportive language is that it shifts the conversation to supportive language, which builds understanding, reduces conflict and strengthens the emotional connection.

Speaker 1: 55:18

Let's now talk about overcoming challenges to embracing and implementing supportive and compassionate communication. Navigating the shift from power and control language to support and compassionate language isn't easy. Control language to support and compassionate language isn't easy. Honestly, if it were, there'd be a lot more people doing it and fewer using control language. Communication barriers often arise, especially when stress or emotional exhaustion creeps in. Is falling back into old habits such as sarcasm, blaming, yelling, arguing or shutting down as a defense mechanism during heated moments. Here are some practical approaches to help overcome these challenges.

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Plan your conversations before you go in and have them. Think about the words you're going to choose. Pause and breathe. Taking a moment helps interrupt automatic responses rooted in control language. Acknowledge your feelings. Naming emotions like frustration or fear lessens their grip on you and opens space for your authentic words. Use I statements. Share personal experiences instead of blaming, and that will invite understanding rather than defensiveness. Reflective listening, fully hearing the other person without planning your response, allows the speaker to feel heard and models how to communicate in a caring way. Seek input and feedback. Ask if your or their message is received as intended. That will encourage mutual respect and growth. These steps rebuild trust strained by past communication patterns. Shifting towards compassionate dialogue requires patience and time to rewire interactions into bridges of support rather than walls of control.

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Now let me talk about 20 benefits of learning and applying supportive language. Number one improved relationships. Supportive language creates understanding and empathy and strengthens connections with others. Number two conflict resolution. By promoting open dialogue, supportive language helps resolve conflicts in a constructive manner. Number three emotional intelligence. Practicing empathy and emotional awareness enhances your self-awareness and understanding of others. Number four reduce stress. Resisting the urge to control or manipulate reduces tension and stress and cortisol in both personal and professional relationships. Number five enhanced problem solving. Supportive language encourages collaborative problem solving, leading to more effective solutions. Number six increase trust. When you and others feel genuinely heard and understood, you build trust brick by brick, which then creates that foundation for healthier relationships.

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Number seven personal growth. Developing compassionate and supportive communication skills promotes personal growth by challenging ingrained patterns of control. Number eight greater influence. Supportive language is more likely to inspire others to listen, consider different perspectives and cooperate. Number nine conflict prevention. By proactively using supportive language, misunderstandings and conflicts can be prevented before they escalate. Number 10, positive impact on your mental and emotional health. Engaging in compassionate dialogue contributes to overall well-being, creating a positive mindset and reducing negativity in your interactions. Number 11, improved team dynamics. Supportive language fosters a sense of psychological safety within teams, encouraging open communication and collaboration. Number 12, enhanced leadership skills. Leaders who prioritize supportive language create a culture of trust and respect, leading to higher employee satisfaction and productivity. Number 13, strengthened relationships Consistently using supportive language strengthens personal relationships, deepens connections and fosters mutual understanding.

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Number fourteen empowered communication. By choosing words that uplift and validate others' experiences, individuals feel empowered to express themselves authentically. But when you do this for others, you're also doing it for yourself. Number 15, inclusive. Supportive language promotes inclusivity by acknowledging diverse perspectives and validating individuals' experiences, creating an environment of safety where everyone feels valued. Number 16, social impact by embodying compassionate communication, individuals contribute to creating a more empathetic and compassionate society at large. Number 17, conflict resolution when conflicts do arise, supportive language facilitates effective resolution. Supportive language facilitates effective resolution, helping each other find common ground. Helping each other find common ground and reach mutually satisfactory solutions. Number 18, reduce burnout Creating a supportive environment through language reduces the emotional labor often associated with tense interactions. It will mitigate burnout in both personal and professional settings. Number 19, enhance creativity Supportive language encourages individuals to share their ideas freely, creating a climate of innovation and creativity. Number 20, overall well-being the practice of supportive language not only benefits relationships, but also contributes to your own emotional well-being, leading to a more fulfilling and harmonious life.

Speaker 1: 1:01:45

Now I want to talk about 10 ways that relationship and communication coaching with me can help you learn and apply supportive communication. Number one building self-awareness. Communication coaching can aid in developing your self-awareness, helping you recognize your communication patterns and that of others in your life as you share about them, and identify areas for improvement. Number two practicing active listening. I can guide you in mastering active listening skills, while you also experience active and reflective listening, which will then enable you to fully understand the perspectives of others and respond empathetically. Number three developing empathy. Through coaching, you can cultivate empathy, which is a key component of supportive communication, by learning to put yourself in others' shoes and them in yours, and genuinely understand each other's emotions. Number four unlearning negative communication habits and mood habits. I can provide you guidance on unlearning negative communication habits, such as interrupting, judging or dismissing others' opinions, and replacing them with more supportive habits and approaches. In addition to that, as you unlearn these negative communication habits, you will start noticing people using them less and less with you.

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Number five enhancing emotional intelligence. Coaching with me can help you develop emotional intelligence, allowing you to regulate your own emotions and respond effectively to others when they're emotional. During conversations, applying nonviolent communication. I may introduce the principles of nonviolent communication, emphasizing empathy, honesty and nonjudgmental language to create understanding. Number seven navigating difficult conversations. I can assist you in walking through different challenging conversations that have already happened or that you think are going to happen with anybody in your life and give you strategies for managing those conflicts and diffusing them while maintaining a supportive tone. Number eight tailoring communication to different situation. Coaching with me will help you adapt your communication style to different contexts and different individuals, ensuring that your language remains supportive regardless of the circumstances. Building number nine building trust and rapport. Through coaching with me, you can learn techniques for building trust and rapport with others through their words and actions, laying your foundation for effective communication.

Speaker 1: 1:04:52

Number 10, sustaining growth and development. I provide you with ongoing support in a safe environment, with accountability and real-time diagnosis of conversations that have already happened and helping you frame them in a different way and think about them in a different way, which will then help you continuously refine your communication skills and embed supportive language into your daily interactions. Trying to do this on your own can be challenging, as it's difficult to objectively assess your own communication patterns and behaviors, much less that of others, when you're already feeling and experiencing an inflamed situation or relationship. That's where coaching with me comes in. I'll provide you with an external perspective, guidance and personalized, compassionate strategies tailored to your unique needs and objectives. Investing in communication coaching will have far-reaching benefits to you, both personally and professionally. It will lead to stronger relationships, improved teamwork, enhanced leadership skills, increased effectiveness in you achieving your desired goals and outcomes, and you'll be happier, healthier and stronger emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.

Speaker 1: 1:06:22

So if you're looking to elevate your communication skills and unlock your full potential or put a stop to negative communication habits that you are using on others or that others are using on you to control or dominate, consider working with a coach who specializes in this area, such as myself.

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I have witnessed the transformative power of communication coaching in countless individuals, teams and couples, and that includes in myself.

Speaker 1: 1:06:59

I have hired coaches to help me with this very thing so I could get it sorted in my own life and relationships before I started helping others, and I'm confident that together we can unlock your communication potential and help you thrive in both your personal and professional life, as well as put a stop to these behaviors when they are used against or on. You Start with a 30-minute session or you can schedule a free consult with me to feel me out, and you can do that at contactdrdarhawkscom. I invite you to do that right now. I truly feel for you and empathize with you. If you're experiencing any of these behaviors, please don't dismiss them or sweep them under the rug by saying, oh, it only happened for the first time last week. These behaviors build and grow exponentially over time, so I do invite you to address it and receive coaching right away. Thank you so much for your listening and I look forward to connecting with you in the next episode or when you take the Relationship Needs Quiz at needsdrdarhawkscom or via a free consult or coaching session at contactcom. No-transcript.