Ep62 When Trust Breaks, Here's How to Put the Pieces Back Together

What exactly constitutes cheating in a relationship? The answer varies dramatically from couple to couple, which is precisely why establishing a clear "cheating policy" is essential for healthy partnerships. Trust forms the foundation of our relationships, yet many couples avoid having crucial conversations about boundaries and expectations until after damage has already occurred.

In this deeply personal exploration of relationship betrayal, we uncover over fifteen different forms of cheating that extend far beyond physical infidelity. From emotional connections and digital interactions to financial dishonesty and quality time violations, understanding these variations helps partners align on what constitutes betrayal in their unique relationship. Most couples assume they share the same definition of cheating without ever discussing it—a dangerous assumption that often leads to unintentional boundary violations.

The motivation behind infidelity typically stems from deficiencies in five primary relationship needs: love and belonging, freedom, fun, safety and survival, and power. When these fundamental needs go unmet, partners may subconsciously seek fulfillment outside their relationship. By identifying which needs might be lacking, couples can proactively address potential vulnerabilities before betrayal occurs.

Creating an effective cheating policy requires honest, judgment-free communication about expectations and boundaries. This isn't about restricting freedom but rather fostering transparency and mutual understanding. A comprehensive policy should include clear definitions, communication guidelines, consequences for both honoring and breaching agreements, and scheduled reviews to adapt as the relationship evolves.

Rebuilding trust after betrayal is challenging but possible with consistent effort and often pr

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Chapters

• 1:10 Introduction to Trust After Betrayal
• 6:11 Forms of Cheating Explained
• 17:34 Impact and Motivation Behind Infidelity
• 32:52 Preventing Cheating in Relationships
• 39:35 Creating an Effective Cheating Policy
• 51:01 When to Seek Professional Help
• 56:18 Example Cheating Policy Framework

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:36

Welcome to Episode 62 of the Better Relationships Podcast. Today I'm talking about how to rebuild trust after betrayal or being cheated on or lies, and the importance of cheating policies in healthy relationships. A cheating policy in relationships refers to an agreement and understanding between partners regarding what constitutes cheating and the boundaries that should not be crossed. It includes the consequences for fulfilling or breaking the agreement. This written agreement plays an important role in maintaining trust and preventing betrayal, not just in romantic, committed relationships, but can also guide our friendships, relationships with family and with ourselves, as it sets clear expectations for all individuals involved. Cheating, betrayal and unfaithfulness undermines the foundation of trust and has lasting effects on the emotional and mental well-being of both partners involved. The ability to trust yourself and others when you have experienced betrayal does become very difficult in relationships going forward. It takes time, consistency, commitment and self-monitoring and management to build trust, but only one action to destroy it. Rebuilding trust after betrayal never gets completely fulfilled because there always seems to be a seed of doubt or questioning whether fidelity lingers. Cheating means that you are consciously breaking the trust and agreement in your relationship if there is an understanding or expectation for being faithful or honoring agreements and boundaries in your relationship. Here are some impacts of violating an agreement in a relationship it erodes trust, destroys respect, causes emotional and mental distress, results in long-term damage to each partner and the relationship and ripples outward to other relationships. It shatters the sense of security, safety and intimacy that partners have built, which lead to feelings of betrayal and hurt. It makes rebuilding trust extremely difficult and carries forward issues with trusting others into other relationships. I want to make a side note here. Oftentimes the person doing the lying or betraying or cheating can tend to say that their partner is the one that has to work on their trust issues, when the reality is that the person who committed the betrayal acts are the ones that have to show up and are accountable for rebuilding that trust. They have to change their behaviors. They have to show consistent actions to demonstrate that they have changed and that they're committed to their relationship and their partner. Of course, their partner really needs to work on not being defensive or attacking or being argumentative or blaming and shaming, and give their partner space to show up and prove themselves.

Speaker 1: 4:09

Children are also significantly impacted by cheating and betrayal within a relationship. Witnessing the breakdown of trust between their parents leads to extreme emotional distress, confusion and feelings of insecurity. It affects their sense of safety, stability, self-esteem and influences their future relationships and trust in others. And yet couples fail to talk openly about their expectations regarding infidelity well before they get into a committed relationship with each other. They don't discuss what cheating actually means to them, how it shows up and what behaviors they consider to be cheating. They may very well have different views on what cheating is and is not. They also don't share their past experiences of feeling betrayed or cheated on to better understand what is acceptable and not acceptable. In their current relationship, they assume or expect fidelity, loyalty and faithfulness exists without talking about it or making agreements, only to be disappointed later on. They also falsely think that they should not have to have this conversation, nor should they have to make agreements, especially if you love each other. This lack of communication and understanding about infidelity leaves ample room for misunderstandings, arguments, disagreements and potential breaches of trust in the relationship. Having a mutually agreed upon policy in place with each other provides a platform for couples to have these important conversations and make agreements to ensure that both partners are on the same page when it comes to fidelity. This conversation does not have to be difficult or create conflict. It's just an honest, open, curious conversation about each other's thoughts, about what you think cheating is and is not, and then finding ways to find common ground and make an agreement with each other that you honor and respect and don't violate. Now let me talk about the various forms cheating can take.

Speaker 1: 6:25

Emotional cheating this involves developing a deep emotional connection with someone other than your partner. It can include sharing intimate thoughts and feelings, seeking emotional support or validation from that person and prioritizing their needs and desires over your partners. Though there may not be any physical involvement, emotional affairs can be just as damaging to a relationship as they erode trust and create a sense of emotional distance between partners. This type of cheating can be just as harmful as physical infidelity, because it undermines the emotional intimacy between partners and can lead to the erosion of trust and commitment. One more note about emotional cheating it's also very damaging if the emotional connection is only occurring with the other person, but not also with the partner. So it's important to discuss whether you're okay with your partner having an emotional connection with another human being, whether it's a person of the same sex or not, and whether you're fulfilled with the emotional connection that you have with your partner. These issues can be really complex and there are a lot of underlying past experience and past relationship things that come to play.

Speaker 1: 7:40

Physical cheating refers to engaging in intimate sexual activities with someone other than your partner. This form of infidelity is often seen as the most severe breach of trust and can have devastating consequences for the relationship, but also ripples out to other relationships in the couple's life. It not only violates the commitment and exclusivity that partners may have agreed upon, but it also puts both partners at risk of sexually transmitted infections or even unwanted pregnancies. Even a one-time physical encounter can shatter the foundation of trust in a relationship and lead to feelings of betrayal, profound anger and hurt.

Speaker 1: 8:23

Digital cheating. This entails using technology platforms such as social media or dating apps to engage in secretive conversations or interactions with others, betraying the trust and a step that then betrays the trust established in the relationship. This can include sending explicit messages or photos, engaging in virtual sexual activities or forming emotional connections with someone outside the relationship. While some may argue that digital cheating is less harmful than physical infidelity, it can still cause distress and damage to the relationship that is significant. The secrecy and deception involved leads to feelings of betrayal and, again, a breakdown of trust between partners. It is important for couples to establish clear boundaries and open communication regarding the use of technology to prevent digital cheating from occurring, and usually sharing each other's passwords and allowing access to digital devices tends to resolve this issue. A resistance to doing it will require mitigation, assistance from a third party to help you solve, as a couple, gaming cheating In the context of relationships.

Speaker 1: 9:44

Gaming cheating refers to engaging in dishonest practices while playing online games that involve interactions with other players. This can include using cheat codes or hacks to gain an unfair advantage, colluding with other players to manipulate game outcomes or forming emotional connections with other gamers. While this form of cheating may seem less severe compared to physical or digital infidelity, it still undermines the principles of fairness and trust in the relationship. It is crucial for partners to establish boundaries regarding gaming behaviors and address any concerns or breaches of trust promptly. Work spouse cheating this involves forming a close, often inappropriate relationship with a colleague that goes beyond professional boundaries, blurring the lines between work and personal life. This type of cheating can lead to emotional and physical infidelity and breach the trust within the partnership. It is important for couples to recognize the signs of work spouse cheating, such as excessive secrecy or emotional distance and address these issues openly and honestly. By establishing clear boundaries, maintaining open communication and addressing any breaches of trust promptly, couples can work towards rebuilding a strong foundation of trust and fidelity in their relationship.

Speaker 1: 11:50

Mentalism refers to having intimate thoughts or fantasies about someone other than your partner, which can create emotional distance and dissatisfaction within the relationship. By acknowledging and discussing any signs of mental cheating, such as emotional distance or intimate thoughts about others, couples can confront these issues openly. Also, creating a space where partners can share openly around what they're thinking, how they find a certain person attractive and why, really creates an open communication and a safe place to share, without jealousy or without trying to control each other's mental and thought processes. It creates a deeper connection where you both can just share openly with each other in a healthy way, without making each other wrong. By acknowledging and discussing any signs of mental cheating, such as emotional distance or intimate thoughts about others, couples can confront these issues openly. Dishonesty and communication are essential in maintaining trust and closeness in a relationship that lasts for the life of the relationship.

Speaker 1: 13:07

Financial cheating this refers to dishonesty or secrecy, sense of betrayal within the relationship when one partner hides financial information, makes significant financial decisions without consulting their significant other or engages in deceitful financial practices, it creates a breakdown in trust, power imbalances and resentment. I also want to talk about financial control, which is also a form of cheating. This refers to exerting control over your partner's finances, limiting their access to money or making them financially dependent on you. This type of cheating can be a form of abuse and can lead to power imbalances and feelings of helplessness in the relationship. When one partner hides financial information, makes significant financial decisions without consulting their significant other or engages in deceitful financial practices, this erodes trust, creates power imbalances and resentment, and is unhealthy for both partners. This type of cheating can also be a form of abuse and leads to feelings of helplessness in the relationship.

Speaker 1: 14:41

Spiritual cheating refers to seeking emotional connection or fulfillment outside of the relationship through religious or spiritual activities with someone else. This can involve sharing deeply personal thoughts and experiences, which can undermine the emotional intimacy and trust between partners. This breach of emotional boundaries can erode the foundation of trust and closeness within the relationship. Porn cheating this involves engaging in secret or excessive consumption of pornography without the knowledge or agreement of one's partner and often replaces intimate time with one's partner. This behavior again leads to feelings of betrayal, insecurity and a lack of intimacy in the relationship. This behavior can create distance between partners, impact their emotional connection and break breakdowns in trust and intimacy. Porn cheating can also result in feelings of betrayal, insecurity, a lack of self-esteem and self-worth and a sense of disconnect within the relationship.

Speaker 1: 15:53

Emotional withdrawal cheating refers to emotionally disconnecting from your partner by withholding affection, communication or support. This can create a sense of loneliness and emotional neglect, damaging the bond and closeness between partners. Emotional neglect damaging the bond and closeness between partners. This form of cheating also leads to resentment, frustration and loneliness for the partner who is being emotionally withdrawn from. Over time, this can cause irreparable damage to the relationship and creates a deep sense of emotional disconnection. Neglect cheating this involves prioritizing other aspects of life, such as work, hobbies or friends, over the needs and well-being of your partner. Neglecting the relationship leads to feelings of resentment, loneliness and a lack of satisfaction for both partners. This behavior creates growing emotional distance and further damages the connection between partners.

Speaker 1: 17:00

Quality time cheating refers to spending excessive time away from your partner or with someone other than your partner, whether it be a friend, co-worker or acquaintance. This can create emotional connections and intimacy outside of the relationship, potentially leading to infidelity. Consistently, prioritizing other commitments or activities over spending quality time with your partner can lead to feelings of neglect and resentment, as well as a weakening of the emotional bond in your relationship. Hobby or activity cheating involves engaging in a hobby, activity or interest that becomes all-consuming, leaving little to no time or energy for your partner. When one partner becomes consumed by a hobby or activity that requires a significant investment of time, money or being with others, it can lead to feelings of neglect and isolation in the relationship that erodes the bond that you share.

Speaker 1: 17:58

Intimacy cheating involves seeking emotional or physical intimacy outside of the relationship through flirtation, emotional affairs or even engaging in physical infidelity. This breach of trust can be deeply hurtful and damaging to the relationship. Communication cheating involves sharing intimate details or discussing relationship issues with someone other than your partner. This breach of trust can lead to emotional distance and undermine the foundation of open and honest communication within your relationship. Physical neglect cheating this refers to neglecting physical connection and intimacy with your partner, whether it be a lack of sexual activity or physical affection. This can create feelings of rejection, frustration and dissatisfaction in the relationship. Frustration and dissatisfaction in the relationship. Family relationship cheating involves prioritizing the opinions and comfort of your family over your partner's, which leads to a lack of support or understanding for your partner, which then results in feeling isolated and resentment.

Speaker 1: 19:07

Secrets cheating involves keeping significant information or actions hidden from your partner, such as financial decisions, personal habits or even past relationships. This lack of transparency erodes trust and can lead to feelings of betrayal and questioning the authenticity of the relationship. Gaslighting cheating this occurs when one partner manipulates the other's perception of reality, making them doubt their own thoughts, emotions and experiences. This psychological form of cheating undermines the other partner or the victim's confidence and can lead to emotional turmoil and a deep sense of confusion. We've already touched on this one, but it's worded slightly differently and it's about virtual cheating. It involves engaging in romantic or sexual activities with others through online digital platforms such as social media or dating apps. While there may not be physical contact, this form of cheating can still cause significant harm by breaching trust and creating emotional connections outside the relationship. This can also happen with gaming apps and platforms. Sexting or texting cheating this involves sending explicit messages, photos or videos to someone other than your partner. This form of cheating can be particularly damaging as it combines elements of emotional and virtual infidelity, blurring the lines between physical and digital boundaries.

Speaker 1: 20:37

Backstabbing cheating involves betraying your partner's trust by sharing personal information or private conversations with others behind their back and without their permission. Talking about your partner this form of cheating can lead to feelings of humiliation, isolation and a breakdown in communication in the relationship. Talking about your partner negatively, cheating or even sarcastically this occurs when one partner speaks ill of their significant other to friends and family or even strangers, behind their back or right in front of them. This behavior erodes trust, damages the partner's reputation and creates a toxic environment in the relationship. It is unhealthy and it damages your partner's self-worth and self-esteem your partner's self-worth and self-esteem. Career ambition cheating involves prioritizing personal career ambitions. Involves prioritizing personal career ambitions over the well-being of the relationship. This can include neglecting quality time with your partner, consistently putting work above their needs or seeking emotional support outside the relationship from colleagues or mentors. This form of cheating may not involve physical or virtual infidelity, but it can still have devastating effects on the emotional connection and overall satisfaction within the relationship.

Speaker 1: 22:05

Social cheating involves forming emotional connections or seeking validation from others outside the relationship through social media events or activities. This behavior can lead to feelings of betrayal, insecurity and a lack of intimacy between partners, ultimately undermining the foundation of trust and commitment to the relationship. Flirting cheating refers to engaging in playful or seductive behavior with someone other than your partner, often without any intention of taking it further. While some may argue that flirting is harmless, it can still be considered a form of cheating if it violates the boundaries and expectations set within the relationship. It can cause jealousy, insecurity and erode the emotional connection between partners. Intellectual cheating this occurs when a person seeks intellectual stimulation from someone outside the relationship, often through deep conversations, sharing intimate thoughts or seeking advice. While this may not involve physical or romantic involvement, it can still be considered a breach of trust if it leads to a stronger connection with someone other than your partner. Avoidance cheating involves mentally, physically or emotionally withdrawing from your partner, avoiding difficult conversations or conflicts. This can create a sense of neglect and distance within the relationship, leading to feelings of resentment and dissatisfaction.

Speaker 1: 23:35

Influence cheating Having friends, co-workers or family members who are cheaters and spending time with them is also a form of cheating, because you're exposing yourself to their values and their behaviors and, over time, it very well can influence you to do things that violate any agreements or boundaries and can violate fidelity in your relationship. Each form of cheating carries its own consequences. Regardless of the type, cheating can have severe consequences on a relationship, on each partner and pretty much all your relationships and well-being. It's important to understand that these types of cheating can overlap and a partner may engage in multiple forms at the same time. These forms of cheating are not all exhaustive or all-inclusive. There may be others and each person may have their own definitions and boundaries in their relationships. For example, I worked with a couple when they would go out for their date nights. The husband would flirt with the waitress and it really, really bothered her.

Speaker 1: 24:44

So there's so many different ways this can show up in your life and in your relationship and it requires you getting clear, like really doing a deep dive and unpacking what cheating is for you, what you'll, what is acceptable and what isn't, and also what is excessive or in the form of an ultimatum. It's also important to work on your own jealousy or insecurity issues, such that your requests or asks of your partner are reasonable and practical and not extreme. For example, an extreme request would be you can't have conversations with anybody of the opposite sex ever unless I'm there, if the partner works in an office space that's full of men and women? That's an impossible ask. Just wanted to give you a couple of examples of that. It's also important to understand and know that the impact of cheating is not limited to the couple alone. It can also affect other aspects of life, such as work performance, social and family relationships, financial situations, children and overall mental and emotional well-being of everyone involved and around you.

Speaker 1: 26:00

Let's now talk about the motivation to cheat. The motivation to cheat is rooted in a deficiency with one or more of the five primary relationship needs in your relationship, and this deficiency isn't just about the current relationship. It's something to work on within yourself and to get a healthy balance of these needs. These five primary relationship needs consist of love and belonging, freedom, fun, safety and survival and power Power from the perspective of self-empowerment, not power and domination over others. When these needs are not met, you may seek fulfillment outside the relationship, leading to the various forms of cheating. Here are some scenarios of deficiencies in the five primary relationship needs that could lead to cheating. The five primary relationship needs do play a pivotal role in maintaining harmony and trust between partners. When these needs love and belonging, freedom, fun, safety and survival, and power are not adequately met, individuals might seek fulfillment elsewhere, which can lead to infidelity.

Speaker 1: 27:18

Love and belonging Consider Sarah and John, who have been married for several years. Over time, sarah has felt increasingly neglected as John dedicates more time to his career. The lack of emotional intimacy and affection leaves Sarah feeling unloved and isolated. She begins to confide in a colleague who provides the emotional support she craves. This emotional connection eventually leads to an affair. Sarah's need for love and belonging was unmet in her marriage, pushing her to seek it outside the relationship.

Speaker 1: 27:54

Freedom Alex values personal space and autonomy highly. However, alex's partner, jamie, tends to be overly controlling and restrictive about Alex's activities and friendships Alex's activities and friendships. Feeling suffocated by Jamie's constant monitoring and lack of trust, alex starts to seek solace with friends who respect his need for freedom. This new social circle introduces him to someone who appreciates his need for independence, leading to an affair. Alex's desire for freedom was stifled within the relationship. An affair Alex's desire for freedom was stifled within the relationship, prompting him to seek it elsewhere.

Speaker 1: 28:36

Fun Maria and Carlos used to enjoy spontaneous adventures together, but now find their lives consumed by routine and responsibilities. Maria starts feeling bored and unfulfilled without the fun experiences that once energized their relationship. She meets someone through a hobby group who shares her zest for life and adventure. Their shared activities lead to an emotional connection that turns into infidelity. Maria's unmet need for fun drove her towards a relationship that promised excitement, safety and survival. Jake feels insecure due to financial instability in his relationship with Emma. Despite working hard, they struggle to make ends meet, causing constant stress and fear about their future. Jake meets someone at work who offers financial stability and security. The promise of a safer future becomes irresistible, leading Jake to engage in an affair despite his deep love for Emma. His unmet need for safety and survival pushed him towards seeking a more secure situation outside his primary relationship Power.

Speaker 1: 29:54

Laura often feels powerless in her relationship with Mark, who tends to dominate decisions and discussions about their lives together. Her opinions are frequently dismissed or belittled, leaving her feeling insignificant. Laura reconnects with an old friend who values her opinion, listens carefully and intently, and engages her in decision-making processes actively. This newfound sense of empowerment leads Laura into an emotional affair. Her unmet need for power within her marriage drove her towards someone who respected her autonomy. Power within her marriage drove her towards someone who respected her autonomy.

Speaker 1: 30:36

In summary, when the primary relationship needs of love and belonging, freedom, fun, safety and survival and power are not met within a relationship, individuals may be compelled to look outside their partnership for fulfillment. Addressing these deficiencies proactively can help prevent infidelity by ensuring both partners' needs are recognized and met within the relationship itself. By the way, these five primary relationship needs are at play in all of our relationships and can be deficient, causing us to look for different friendships or getting needs met elsewhere that aren't getting met, through family members, for example. To learn what your dominant primary relationship need is, I invite you to take my quiz at needsdrdarhawkscom, that's needsd-r-d-a-r-h-a-w-k-scom. Let's now talk about defining cheating in a relationship. In a relationship, it is crucial and essential for couples to openly communicate and align on their views regarding cheating. The definition of cheating can differ from one couple to another, depending on their personal values, their past experiences and boundaries. Therefore, discussing and sharing specific examples can help both partners understand each other's perspective better. It is never too late or too early to have these conversations.

Speaker 1: 32:14

Here are some of the effects of cheating on relationships. Cheating in any form can and will severely damage your relationship and, frankly, cause damage within yourself. Trust is extremely fragile. It needs continuous effort and commitment to sustain, in addition to consistency. Once broken, rebuilding trust can be quite challenging. The guilt and shame that partners have to process as a result of experiencing cheating is immense. It leads to feelings of betrayal, anger, a lack of emotional well-being and a significant loss of self-esteem. The emotional toll can be overwhelming and can take a long time to heal, and may never completely heal without professional support. The impact of cheating extends beyond the individuals involved. It can have ripple effects on their families, friends, work environment and even future relationships. The scars left by infidelity can create a lasting sense of insecurity and doubt in future partnerships as well.

Speaker 1: 33:22

Now let's talk about preventing cheating in relationships. Building a strong foundation based on trust, open communication and mutual respect is key in preventing cheating. Regularly checking in with your partner, addressing any issues or concerns promptly and cultivating an environment where both partners feel safe to express their needs are crucial steps towards maintaining a healthy relationship. If you would like a tool and worksheets for conducting and how to organize and have a check-in with your partner, take a look at my relationship check-in document pdf at vitalitydrdarhawkscom. That's vitality at drdarhawkscom. Here are 13 steps to prevent cheating have conversations about expectations about infidelity, implement a cheating policy that you both agree with and sign Check in with each other regularly, at least every six months, to review your agreements with each other and how well you've respected and honored your agreements. Set boundaries and be transparent about your expectations.

Speaker 1: 34:44

Prioritize quality time and nurture emotional intimacy. Really schedule quality time together and intimacy time on your calendars, showing that it's a priority. Demonstrate appreciation and affection towards your partner daily. Address any insecurities or unresolved issues within yourself and in the relationship immediately and promptly. Establish mutual goals and work towards them as a team. Seek professional relationship coaching or counseling to address the underlying issues in your relationship or within yourself. Be mindful of temptations and actively avoid situations that tempt you or may compromise your relationship and trust. Honor commitments and be accountable for your own actions. Create a supportive network of friends and family who value healthy relationships, continually reassess and adapt to each other's evolving needs to continue building a strong, emotionally connected relationship.

Speaker 1: 35:50

Human beings do not stay the same for the duration of their life. We change. We are dynamic creatures. That's why it's really important to have regular check-ins with your partner, because things aren't going to be the same as the day that you first met or when you were in that honeymoon phase. While there is no full proof guarantee against cheating. Committing to these practices can significantly reduce the likelihood of it occurring.

Speaker 1: 36:20

Cheating is a very complex issue that has far-reaching consequences. It is essential for individuals in a relationship to prioritize open and honest communication. A relationship to prioritize open and honest communication, establish clear boundaries and seek professional help to repair any damage caused by cheating or betrayal in the current relationship or a past one. Ideally, understanding the reasons behind the temptation to cheat can help both you and your partner deal with the underlying problems and work towards rebuilding a healthier and more secure relationship. Dealing with these issues before any cheating actions or decisions are made can greatly strengthen the relationship's foundation and stop any future breaches of trust. By creating a supportive and open environment, couples can face challenges together, become stronger and develop a more resilient bond that can resist temptation. In tough times, when couples overlook small problems that gradually grow into larger ones, the desire to cheat becomes more attractive. Instead of figuring out how to tackle the problems in the relationship or seeking professional guidance through relationship coaching or therapy, it may seem easier to destroy the relationship. This would shift all the attention to the act of cheating, creating yet another problem to fix or potentially ending the relationship entirely. Sometimes, cheating can be a deliberate way to sabotage and end a relationship, but I encourage you to choose a different path. Instead of resorting to betrayal, strive for emotional maturity, confront the issues within your relationship head-on and seek professional relationship coaching as soon as possible.

Speaker 1: 38:11

What is a cheating policy? A cheating policy is a set of rules created by partners to define acceptable and unacceptable behavior in their relationship. It establishes boundaries to foster trust, respect and understanding with each other within the relationship. The purpose of this policy is to guide behavior, prevent misunderstandings or conflicts related to infidelity and support the emotional security of both individuals. This document is intended as a living agreement open to discussion and revision as needed for the well-being of both partners. It emphasizes the importance of healthy, open communication and mutual support in maintaining a healthy relationship. Establishing a cheating policy is not about limiting personal freedom, but rather about promoting honesty and creating a strong foundation of trust in the relationship. In the unfortunate event of infidelity, a cheating policy can serve as a reference point for establishing boundaries and initiating the healing process. It can outline the steps required to rebuild trust and provide guidelines for addressing underlying issues that led to the betrayal. By having rules in place, couples can navigate through difficult times with more clarity and purpose. While a cheating policy may seem restrictive to some, it can actually promote a healthier and more open relationship. It encourages honest conversations, reinforces mutual respect and fosters a sense of security within the partnership.

Speaker 1: 39:55

I now want to talk about variations of cheating policies based on different relationship types. The first one is monogamous relationships, and this assumes that both parties have agreed to be exclusive with each other. The cheating policy in monogamous relationships consists of exclusivity. That is a central tenet of the cheating policy. Partners will typically prioritize fidelity in romantic and sexual interaction. The role of consent consists of clear communication and mutual consent, which play vital roles in defining and upholding boundaries within monogamous relationships. The second one is polyamorous relationships. The cheating policy in polyamorous relationships tends to be more flexible, focusing on honesty and consent rather than strict exclusivity. Now, in polyamorous relationships, consent is is a strong tenant. Establishing and respecting boundaries through open communication and mutual agreements are key aspects of cheating policies in polyamorous dynamics. The third type of relationship is ethical non-monogamy. Ethical non-monogamous individuals often have unique agreements that prioritize respect, transparency and ongoing dialogue over traditional notions of infidelity. They also have an agreement around practicing safe sex. Mutual consent and continuous communication are fundamental in maintaining trust and navigating potential breaches within ethical, non-monogamous relationships.

Speaker 1: 41:47

Now I want to give you some ideas about the components of an effective cheating policy. Creating a cheating policy that works for both partners requires honest and open dialogue. Here are some key components to consider when establishing a cheating policy. Both partners must engage in honest and open discussions. This means expressing your thoughts, feelings and concerns about infidelity without fear of judgment or retaliation. By fostering an environment of trust and understanding, you can create a policy that reflects both partners' values and boundaries. Create a policy that reflects both partners' values and boundaries.

Speaker 1: 42:28

Number two be transparent about your interactions. Transparency is essential when it comes to maintaining trust in a relationship. Tell the truth. It's easier to manage the difficulty and conflict when telling the truth than it is by being deceiving, believe it or not. As part of your cheating policy, make it a point to share details about your interactions with others, especially those that could potentially raise concerns. Be proactive in your communication. Take accountability. This includes friendships, online connections or any social activities that involve individuals outside your relationship. By being upfront about these interactions, you can address any insecurities or doubts well before they escalate into bigger issues.

Speaker 1: 43:16

Number three set mutual limits and expectations. Every couple has their own unique definition of what cheating is and is not. To avoid misunderstandings or conflicts down the line, it's important to have open, honest conversations about your individual perspectives on infidelity. Together, you can set mutually agreed upon limits and expectations around behaviors that you both consider as crossing the line. This could include emotional affairs, physical intimacy with others or even certain online activities that make one partner uncomfortable. By incorporating these components into your cheating policy, you can establish a framework that promotes communication, transparency and mutual consent within your relationship. Communication, transparency and mutual consent within your relationship. Remember that this policy should be flexible and subject to periodic reviews as both partners grow and evolve over time.

Speaker 1: 44:16

Here are some challenges to consider as you implement a cheating policy. When partners try to set up a cheating policy, they often face relationship challenges that reveal deeper issues. Each partner may have different views on what cheating means, making it hard to agree on clear, reasonable and fair limits. One person might see an emotional affair as serious betrayal, while the other considers it just a close friendship. This can lead to confusion and conflict. Enforcing boundaries can also be difficult Sometimes. Actions that don't directly violate any agreed-upon rule still cause feelings of betrayal because of unspoken expectations or emotional sensitivities. This emotional complexity requires ongoing communication and empathy. As to what is a cheating policy on paper may not always reflect the lived experience of both partners equally. Here are some common challenges couples face when implementing cheating policies Discrepancies in understanding key terms like cheating or emotional intimacy I highly recommend consulting the dictionary and aligning on the definition of key terms. Unintended emotional responses despite adherence to explicit rules. And difficulty balancing individual needs with shared agreements. These challenges highlight why revisiting and refining the cheating policy together is essential for harmony and trust. Now let's briefly talk about what to include in a cheating policy.

Speaker 1: 46:04

When creating a cheating policy with your partner, it's essential to cover various aspects to ensure clarity and mutual understanding. Let me touch on why it's called a cheating policy and not a no cheating policy. The reason why it's called a cheating policy is because you're establishing rules and guidelines and boundaries and definitions around what cheating is and is not for you individually and your partner individually and together as a couple. It's not a no cheating policy because you wouldn't need to have these definitions if you had a no cheating policy. Does that make sense? There wouldn't need to be one and that's why it's called a cheating policy and agreement. When creating a cheating policy with your partner, it's essential to cover various aspects to ensure clarity and mutual understanding and agreement. Here are some key components to consider Explicit definitions and examples.

Speaker 1: 47:04

Clearly define what actions constitute cheating for you in your relationship. Allow your partner to do the same. Hear each other out and find common ground so that you can move to step two and defining these actions. Whether it's emotional connections, physical intimacy outside the partnership or engaging in deceptive behaviors, all of those should be included in part of these discussions. The second thing to include are boundaries and expectations. Establish specific boundaries and expectations regarding interactions with others, including friendships, online communications, interactions with others, including friendships, online communications, and behaviors that may raise concerns, and also tie that back to your explicit definitions and examples. Thirdly, have some communication guidelines. Outline how each of you should communicate about potential issues or concerns related to fidelity and cheating, emphasizing open and honest dialogue without judgment. You might want to even include scripts so that it doesn't create a defensive reaction, worry, angst or anger because you're using the script that you both agreed to use.

Speaker 1: 48:22

Include a section on consequences Dis discuss potential consequences for breaching the cheating policy, but also include consequences for honoring and respecting the agreement and cheating policy. You could include things like transparent discussions, seeking coaching or therapy, or re-evaluation of your relationship's future. Also include an agreement around regular review and updates. Agree to revisit, review and update the cheating policy periodically to accommodate changes in feelings, boundaries or relationship dynamics and changes in life. Include how often you're going to review it. Include dates put the dates in your calendar and don't reschedule. This is really important for the health of your relationship. By including these elements in your cheating policy, you can create a foundation for trust, transparency and mutual respect in your relationship that builds and gets stronger over time.

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Now let's talk about when it's time to seek professional help for infidelity issues. Sometimes dealing with infidelity can be extremely difficult, or even talking about implementing a cheating policy can be as well, so it is beneficial to seek professional help. Here are some signs that indicate it may be time to consult a relationship coach. Like myself, if you don't currently have a cheating policy and even talking about it with your partner causes you angst or concern, it's time to seek professional help. Another one is if you have ongoing trust issues, if breaches of trust have occurred in the relationship and they continue to affect your connection with your partner, it's helpful to seek guidance from a professional If there's a lack of effective communication when discussing infidelity or its aftermath, and that leads to arguments or misunderstandings instead of productive conversations. It's time to seek professional help because they can provide tools and techniques for better communication.

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If you are having difficulty rebuilding intimacy after an affair, it's natural for partners to struggle with physical and emotional intimacy. A relationship coach can assist you in exploring these challenges and help you find ways to reconnect. If you're feeling stuck or hopeless, if you feel like you're going around in circles without making any progress on healing or rebuilding your relationship, seek professional support because it can offer you new perspectives and strategies than your normal routine. If either of you have been thinking of cheating or have been violating agreements with each other, or you have thoughts of cheating or seeking revenge, it's a clear sign that professional intervention is necessary to address the root causes of these feelings and work towards a healthier relationship. Dynamic Professional guidance plays a crucial role in the healing process after infidelity. Here's how Effective communication strategies Professional relationship coaches are trained to help couples communicate more effectively.

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They can teach you techniques to express your feelings, needs and concerns in a way that promotes understanding rather than defensiveness. Secondly, they can help you rebuild intimacy. Infidelity often creates barriers to physical and emotional closeness between partners. A relationship couples coach can help you explore the underlying issues that contributed to the affair and work on rebuilding trust and intimacy through specific exercises or activities Processing your emotions. Both partners may experience a range of emotions following an affair, such as anger, sadness, betrayal, guilt, shame, embarrassment, etc. Relationship coaching provides a safe space for you to process these emotions without judgment, while also facilitating discussions between partners about their respective feelings. By the way, coaching is a process to move you forward, not backward, in a healthy, supportive way. It's not about looking at what's wrong with you or your partner. It's about looking at what's not working, what has not been working, and resolving that. If you find yourself struggling with any of these issues after experiencing infidelity, consider reaching out to me for professional relationship coaching. Book a consultation by going to bookingsdrdarhawkscom.

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I want to give you an example of a cheating policy now, just to better understand how a cheating policy can work in a relationship, and that shows how these guidelines can be applied. This example highlights the importance of having clear boundaries, open communication and mutual respect in order to maintain trust and loyalty between partners. Key components of the cheating policy Definition of cheating Clearly define what actions or behaviors constitute cheating for you and your partner. This could include emotional connections with others, physical intimacy outside the partnership or breaches of agreed-upon boundaries. Number two communication guidelines have protocols for discussing concerns or potential boundary violations openly and honestly. Encourage both of you to express your feelings without fear of judgment. Include transparency expectations. Emphasize the importance of transparency in all interactions. Encourage sharing details about friendships, social outings or online communications that could impact the relationship. Number four consequences and resolution. Outline potential consequences for breaching the policy, while also setting a framework for resolving conflicts constructively. Also include consequences for respecting and honoring the policy.

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Focus on rebuilding trust and understanding motivations behind any infractions and make a committed effort to make changes in your behaviors going forward. Include regular review and adaptation. Schedule periodic check-ins to review the effectiveness of the policy and make necessary adjustments based on evolving needs or circumstances. Now I know I covered that twice. There's a reason for it, because now we're going to move into ensuring that you both agree to the following principles to maintain a healthy and faithful partnership Communication we will openly discuss our needs, feelings and concerns regarding fidelity, without fear of judgment or reprisal.

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If either partner feels uncomfortable or unsure about any interactions with others, we commit to discussing it as soon as possible. Transparency about interactions we will be honest about our social circles, friendships and any interactions that may impact our relationship. We both will share details about friendships, social outings or online communications that cause concern. Thirdly, setting mutual limits and expectations. We will clearly define boundaries around emotional intimacy, physical contact, digital communication, gaming and professional relationships. We will outline those here in this policy and if new situations arise, we agree to revisit and update these boundaries together.

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Consequences and resolution If the policy is breached, we commit to having an open discussion about what happened and why. We will seek professional relationship coaching to move us towards a healthier relationship and rebuild trust, and consequences will be determined mutually based on the nature of the breach and our shared goals for healing. We will include those consequences in this policy and we also will include positive consequences when we honor and respect the policy. Number five regular review and adaptation. We agree to review this policy together at least once every six months, or sooner if circumstances change, to ensure it remains relevant to our evolving partnership and relationship.

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Number six when to seek professional relationship coaching, we acknowledge that some breaches of trust may require outside support. If we experience ongoing trust issues, ineffective communication. If we experience ongoing trust issues, ineffective communication, difficulty rebuilding intimacy or feelings of hopelessness before or after an incident, either partner may seek help from a professional relationship coach. By including these components, partners can create a cheating policy that not only safeguards their relationship against betrayal, only safeguards their relationship against betrayal, provides a plan should betrayal occur and also builds a deeper level of understanding and connection between each other. If you're dealing with feelings of betrayal or uncertainty about your own cheating policy, it's important to reach out for professional help. I specialize in these issues and can provide the guidance you need. Schedule a consultation at bookingsdrdarhawkscom, that's bookings B-O-O-K-I-N-G-S dot D-R-D-A-R-H-A-W-K-S dot com. Thanks for listening and I look forward to meeting you either in the next podcast, in the needs quiz or via a consultation.