Ep61 When What Goes Unsaid Tears Us Apart: Managing Expectations in Relationships

Ever found yourself thinking, "They should just know what I need"? That silent expectation might be quietly destroying your relationships. In this eye-opening exploration of unspoken and unrealistic expectations, Dr. Dar Hawks reveals why the standards we never verbalize become the invisible architects of our disappointment.

When we expect perfection, constant happiness, or mind-reading abilities from our partners, we create impossible standards no real relationship can meet. Dr. Hawks breaks down how these expectations manifest differently depending on your primary relationship need – whether you prioritize love and belonging, freedom, fun, safety, or power. By understanding which need drives your expectations, you gain crucial insight into the assumptions you make about how others should treat you.

The most powerful revelation? Fulfilling your expectations isn't primarily your partner's responsibility—it's yours. While others can contribute to meeting your needs, the accountability begins with you. Dr. Hawks offers practical strategies for communicating expectations effectively, setting realistic boundaries, and negotiating when expectations differ. She emphasizes the importance of discussing needs during moments of emotional clarity rather than heated arguments.

Perhaps most transformative is becoming the exemplary model of your own expectations. When you consistently demonstrate the behaviors you desire—whether it's open communication, loyalty, or quality time—you create an environment where these values naturally flourish. This approach shifts relationships from battlegrounds of silent demands to spaces for genuine connection and mutual growth.

Ready to transform your relationships? Take the Primary Relationship Needs Quiz at needs.drdarhawks.com to discover which need drives your expectations, or book a one-on-one coaching session at bookings.drdarhawks.com to address specific relationship challenges.

Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships.  Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships... 
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.

Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships.  Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships... 
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Unspoken Expectations
• 6:44 Dangers of Unrealistic Expectations
• 13:23 Five Primary Relationship Needs
• 21:53 Healthy Relationship Expectations
• 27:46 Communicating Expectations Effectively
• 32:11 Managing Expectations for Growth
• 38:15 Be the Model of Your Expectations

Transcript

Speaker 1: 1:00

Welcome to Episode 61 of the Better Relationships Podcast. I'm Dr Dar Hawks, relationship and Communication Coach and Healer, and today we're talking about unspoken and unrealistic expectations. This is a two-part series about expectations. Part series about expectations. Part two is where I'm going to dive more deeply into unspoken and unrealistic expectations and the consequences of them.

Speaker 1: 1:35

Unrealistic expectations in marriage and relationships often come from idealized images portrayed by media, religion, cultural or familial stories. These high expectations create an environment where you can feel pressured to meet standards that simply are either not attainable or just, flat out, are incorrect or not right for you and, more importantly, they may not be what's best for you. When someone expects perfection or constant happiness, there are natural ups and downs of real life and are emotions that clash with impossible ideals like those here are some examples of unrealistic expectations Expecting others to always know what you need without being told. Thinking others will know what and when to do something without being asked. Believing love should be effortless all the time and that love is enough for a relationship to last. And weather storms, assuming conflicts mean that the relationship is failing. Anticipating flawless communication with no misunderstandings, or expecting things to stay the same or go back to the way they were. These kinds of expectations lead to finding faults in each other. When partners or individuals focus on what's wrong instead of what's working, communication and interactions will shift from being supportive and understanding to being critical and judgmental. This pattern creates resentment and emotional distance instead of connection. One of my superpowers is to effortlessly hone in on what is working in your relationship, address why you came to me, which is for help to resolve what is not working and restore your mental and emotional harmony, as well as that of the relationship. If there is something about a relationship that is bothering you or getting under your skin, or that you're overlooking, maybe sweeping it under the rug, thinking it might just resolve itself, I invite you to book a free consult with me at bookingsdrdarhawkscom.

Speaker 1: 4:18

The dangers of expectations in your relationships are how they distort reality and honestly set everyone up for disappointment and potential failure. Believing in fairy tale versions of love can possibly blind you to the beauty of growth, compromise and imperfection, which are all essential ingredients for lasting relationships and self-growth. Recognizing when expectations are unrealistic will open the door to healthier, more compassionate interactions and to your mental and emotional well-being. When individuals hold back their needs and desires or assume their partners or others should intuitively understand them, a damaging cycle begins. This lack of open communication forms a breeding ground for making assumptions and interpretations, which then leads to unmet expectations that erode trust, connection and communication. You may feel neglected or unsupported and that will cause emotional burnout and a desire to distance yourself from the relationship. It's crucial to understand and recognize the dangers of unspoken expectations and the importance of open and transparent dialogue to ensure mutual understanding and strengthen your foundation of a healthy relationship with yourself and with others.

Speaker 1: 6:01

Here are examples of unspoken expectations from the lens of the five primary relationship needs. If you want to learn more about the five primary relationship needs and identify your dominant relationship need, I invite you to take the quiz at needsdrdarhawkscom. The first primary relationship need is love and belonging. The examples are expecting your partner to understand your need for reassurance and emotional support without explicitly asking for it. Assuming that your partner should instinctively know how to make you feel loved and appreciated and how to support you. And expecting your partner to understand your need for intimacy and closeness without expressing it or defining specifically what that looks like for you. The second primary relationship need is freedom. Here are the examples associated with that relationship need Believing that your partner should give you personal space and time for yourself without you having to request it. Expecting your partner to support your individual pursuits and hobbies without discussing them first or addressing any financial aspects of supporting your hobby. Presuming your partner will respect your independence and personal space without explicitly stating this expectation.

Speaker 1: 7:59

Now let's talk about the primary relationship need of fun and the examples of unspoken needs associated with that, with fun Associated with fun. Assuming your partner will plan enjoyable activities or surprise you with fun experiences regularly, even for special occasions like birthdays or anniversaries. Expecting shared humor and lightheartedness to naturally occur without communicating what makes you and your partner or others laugh. Seeking shared enjoyment and excitement in activities without openly communicating your preferences or desires. Assuming your partner will inherently know how to bring joy and lightheartedness into the relationship without discussing what brings fun to each of you individually. For the primary relationship need of safety and survival, assuming your partner will always protect you emotionally and physically, without discussing these needs and specifically what you need. Expecting financial or practical support during times of crisis without discussing the specifics of these needs and making agreements. The fifth primary relationship need is power, and here are the examples Believing that your partner should automatically respect your opinions and decisions in the relationship. Assuming that your partner understands your desire for influence or control in certain aspects of the relationship without openly discussing it. Believing your partner will consistently acknowledge your efforts and contributions without communication or anticipating mutual support for personal development and shared goals without having conversations about them or celebrating the success of them. To learn which of the five primary relationship needs is your dominant, take the quiz at needsdrdarhawkscom.

Speaker 1: 10:14

Let's now talk about healthy relationship expectations and setting realistic boundaries. Healthy relationship expectations are based on respect, understanding, communication, trust and support for one another. Instead of striving for perfection or unrealistic ideals, these expectations focus on what each of you realistically needs the values you, each of each other. Fulfilling your expectations, by the way, is not your partner's or anyone else's accountability. It is, first and foremost, your accountability. Your partner or others can contribute to the fulfillment. However, it is healthy to identify and communicate the areas in which you are taking responsibility and which areas you want their support or their ownership. You can then share which areas you are seeking their help and support and fulfilling, but you also need to give them and be open to them, saying they can't accommodate it and not get your feelings hurt. After all, it is your expectation and your need, and then dialogue about possible ways that they can support you that may be indirectly tied to this expectation you have. It's quite possible that your partner and others are already supporting you in many ways to forward your expectation or fulfill it, but you may not be aware or connect the actions that they're taking with this expectation.

Speaker 1: 13:18

Boundaries and expectations in relationships really go hand in hand. Boundaries and expectations in relationships really go hand in hand. Clear boundaries will protect your emotional and mental well-being and defines what is acceptable behavior from yourself and your partner and others. Setting these boundaries for yourself and then communicating them and obtaining agreement to honor them will prevent misunderstandings and resentment caused by cross-lines or unmet needs. Here's a list of basic relationship needs that often serve as examples of healthy and realistic expectations, when communicated and agreed to, for mutual alignment. Emotional safety it's about feeling heard, valued and supported without fear of judgment. Trust and honesty. Open communication without deception or secrecy. Respect for individuality, honoring personal space, interests and decisions. Mutual effort both partners or all parties are contributing to the relationship's growth in a reciprocal manner.

Speaker 1: 15:02

Affection and intimacy. Physical and emotional closeness expressed in ways meaningful to both of you and each other. Meaningful to each other. Meaningful to each other. Shared responsibilities, a fair division of household tasks, finances or caregiving roles based on each other's strengths, not weaknesses. Conflict resolution, the ability to discuss disagreements calmly and seek compromise. Fidelity, commitment to monogamy or other agreed-upon boundaries regarding outside relationships. Quality time and attention. Making an effort to prioritize time together and actively listen to each other without distractions. Support other without distractions. Support, offering encouragement, empathy and assistance daily, not just during challenging times. Flexibility, a willingness to grow, adapt and compromise as circumstances change.

Speaker 1: 16:19

While these are common expectations, it's important to remember that every relationship is unique. Each person in the relationship is also unique. Open communication, making healthy self-choices and creating mutual understanding will help you navigate through the process of setting boundaries and determining realistic expectations that work for both partners, that work for everyone. It's important to have conversations about boundaries instead of you just setting them and then demanding them, and then understanding this balance between needs and boundaries will create space for compassion rather than control. Clear boundaries paired with honest conversation will allow each of you to express your unique expectations. Each of you to express your unique expectations in marriage or any committed partnership, with friendships or even with family or in the workplace, with greater clarity and kindness. Here are some examples of healthy relationship expectations to model yourself and to have in your relationships, and this again is from the lens of the five primary relationship needs. It's also important to communicate these expectations and recognize and appreciate them when they happen.

Speaker 1: 18:08

Verbally Love and belonging. Expecting regular expressions of affection, appreciation and support. Anticipating emotional availability and attentive listening from your partner. Valuing shared rituals like date nights or daily check-ins that nurture connection. From the perspective of freedom, expecting mutual respect for personal space, hobbies and friendships outside of the relationship. Supporting each other's individuality and allowing autonomy in decision-making and agreeing to communicate openly about boundaries and changes in needs over time. The primary relationship need of fun consists of prioritizing shared enjoyment through activities, laughter or playful moments together. Being open to trying new experiences as a couple, encouraging each other to pursue joy both together and individually.

Speaker 1: 19:15

From the perspective of safety and survival, expecting honesty, reliability and a commitment to physical and emotional safety. Expecting honesty, reliability and a commitment to physical and emotional safety. Sharing responsibility for financial planning and practical life management. Creating a home environment where both partners feel secure. Expressing vulnerabilities. Lastly, from the perspective of power, valuing each other's opinions in major decisions or even small decisions affecting the relationship and, by the way, most opinions and decisions affect the relationship directly or indirectly Expecting respectful negotiation during disagreements rather than dominance or manipulation. Supporting each other's goals, ambitions and sense of personal achievement, these healthy expectations create open communication, respect for boundaries and mutual growth. They help relationships thrive while honoring each other's core needs. Relationships thrive while honoring each other's core needs.

Speaker 1: 20:28

Let's now talk about communicating expectations effectively. In any relationship, it is crucial to have open and honest conversations about each person's needs and desires and feelings. It is also important to do it once you have mental and emotional clarity yourself, instead of in the middle of an emotional moment. This kind of dialogue helps to ensure that both of you are on the same page and can work together towards a fulfilling relationship. Open dialogue allows both partners to express their thoughts and feelings freely. It creates a safe place and space where individuals can share their hopes, dreams, feelings and expectations without fear of judgment or rejection. Without fear of judgment or rejection. By actively and reflectively listening to each other and validating one another's experiences, couples can build a stronger emotional connection.

Speaker 1: 21:33

Strategies for identifying hidden assumptions. Sometimes you may have certain assumptions about your partner's thoughts or actions that go unspoken. These assumptions can often lead to misunderstandings and conflicts if not discussed or addressed. Here are some strategies for identifying and expressing hidden assumptions in an empathetic way. Reflect on your own beliefs. Take some time to think about what beliefs, values, ideals or expectations you may have about your partner or the relationship. Are there any assumptions that you have not communicated?

Speaker 1: 22:19

Number two ask your partner open-ended questions to gain a better understanding of their perspective. For example, instead of saying you always want to spend time with your friends, try asking how do you feel about balancing time between our relationship and your friendships, and what are some ways that I can participate with you? Practice active and reflective listening. When your partner shares their thoughts or feelings, make an effort to truly listen, be quiet and understand their point of view. Avoid interrupting, defending or jumping to conclusions before they finish speaking. Ask them is there more? Is there anything else? Then ask may I share? Once you get the go-ahead, then share what you heard and ask them if you got that right.

Speaker 1: 23:27

It's natural for individuals in a relationship to have different hopes and desires, but sometimes these hopes may be unrealistic or unreasonable, or even unattainable, and oftentimes they need to be broken down into much, much smaller goals in order to attain them. In such cases, it's important to negotiate and find common ground. Here are some basic negotiation techniques that can help Identify the specific areas where you disagree, pinpoint the specific expectations or desires that are causing tension in the relationship, and then determine if they are truly from this relationship or is this something you've experienced in a past relationship that is now getting triggered in this relationship? Be willing to compromise. Understand that not every expectation can be fully met by others. Be open to finding middle ground where both of you and your needs are partially fulfilled by each other or by yourselves. Set realistic goals together Instead of focusing on individual hopes. Work together as a team to set realistic goals for the relationship.

Speaker 1: 24:50

By effectively communicating expectations in relationships through open dialogue, empathy and negotiation techniques, individuals and couples can create a healthier dynamic where everyone feels heard and valued. If you do try and communicate and it ends up in disagreement and argument or defensiveness, please seek professional support from a relationship communication coach like myself, who can facilitate open communication and make it easier for you to both move forward with clear direction and agreements without creating further damage or a lack of emotional and mental well-being. Managing relationship expectations offers a powerful opportunity to transform potential conflicts into meaningful growth. When you shift your mindset from what's lacking to how can you each enrich each other's lives, expectations then become tools that deepen your relationship rather than damage it. Consider these practical steps.

Speaker 1: 26:06

Exceed positive expectations. Small acts of kindness or thoughtful gestures that go beyond the usual can surprise and delight your partner. A simple note, an unexpected compliment or taking on a task without being asked communicates care and attentiveness. Celebrate progress. Recognize when efforts are made, even if they don't fully meet every expectation. Appreciation fuels motivation and fosters a nurturing environment where both partners feel valued. Also, instead of saying good job, acknowledge the specific actions or qualities that you appreciate. For example, say something like I really admire how you took the time to listen to me and understand my perspective during our discussion. It made me feel heard and valued. Embrace flexibility. Recognize that expectations can evolve over time as individuals and circumstances change. Life changes and so do people. Be open to regularly revisit and adjust your expectations together and allow room for growth and new circumstances.

Speaker 1: 27:31

Prioritize open dialogue Regularly check in with each other to discuss expectations, needs and desires in a calm and non-judgmental manner. Encourage active and reflective listening, and be willing to find compromises that work for both of you. Unfortunately, individuals and partners go into an expectation conversation, expecting to get things to go their way or make things happen in the way they see it, and what happens as a result of that is sometimes you will get your way, but over time it will damage the relationship and the other partner will become bitter because they're not being heard and compromise isn't present. Ultimately, what happens is that that will lead to burnout, because you're always getting your way and your partner is not. Compromise and negotiation is actually a beautiful way to potentially create something even better than what you envisioned, and you may not be able to see it until you compromise and the thing that you're expecting happens. So I really invite you to be open to learning compromise and learning how to win together instead of one person winning and the other losing. And that's another area of mastery that I have where I can facilitate those dialogues with you to where you both feel like you're winning. Dialogues with you to where you both feel like you're winning.

Speaker 1: 29:16

Managing expectations is an ongoing process. It's not just a one and done thing that requires effort from both partners or all parties. By approaching it with patience, empathy and a commitment to each other's growth, you can create a relationship that thrives on mutual understanding and fulfillment, a relationship that works for both of you. But sometimes, despite your best efforts, communication barriers do exist. Seeking professional support, such as couples coaching for communication barriers, can provide a safe space to explore unmet needs with guidance. Coaches offer practical and relatable tools to navigate emotional roadblocks, to help you rebuild trust and understanding. Coaching is about moving forward and not living in the past, and that's why couples tend to benefit more from coaching and are more open to attending coaching sessions. Managing expectations is less about perfection and more about creating shared meaning, building bridges with empathy and intention that sustain joyful, healthy relationships.

Speaker 1: 30:30

Now for one of the most important part of managing expectations Be the exemplary model of your expectations. In relationships, expectations actually shape your behaviors, communication and emotions. While it's common to have certain standards or desires from a partner or others, one of the most powerful and transformative approaches is to become the example, the exemplary model of your own expectations. This means embodying the qualities, attitudes, behaviors and actions you wish to see in your partner or relationships. So what does it mean to be the exemplary model? Being the exemplary model of your expectations involves consistently practicing the behaviors and values you hope and want to receive or expect to receive from others. Instead of simply hoping or demanding that your partner meets your needs whether it's honesty, kindness, attentiveness or open communication you actively demonstrate those qualities yourself. You set a living example for your partner and create a relationship environment built on mutual respect and understanding.

Speaker 1: 31:59

Here are the benefits of modeling your expectations it encourages reciprocity. When you model positive behaviors, others and your partner, they're more likely to reflect them back over a certain time of consistently modeling those behaviors. Demonstrating patience, empathy or gratitude encourages your partner to respond similarly, naturally creating a more harmonious dynamic between you. Naturally, creating a more harmonious dynamic between you. Being the example builds trust and authenticity. Consistently living out your values cultivates trust. Your partner will see you as reliable and sincere, not just someone with demands, but someone invested in self and shared growth.

Speaker 1: 32:50

Reduces resentment. Instead of focusing on unmet expectations or harboring frustration over what's lacking, you take proactive steps to nurture your relationship. This shift minimizes resentment and helps maintain emotional balance, inspires mutual growth. By holding yourself accountable for the standards you wish to uphold together, you inspire both partners to grow. This approach invites open dialogue about needs and boundaries, without blame. Being the example breaks the cycle of unrealistic demands. When you translate your desires into actions rather than silent assumptions, you clarify what matters most, while making space for imperfection in both yourself and your partner. Here are some practical examples If you value open communication, initiate honest conversation and express your deep thoughts and feelings openly, calmly and clearly.

Speaker 1: 33:55

If loyalty matters, show unwavering support through your actions such as standing up for your partner in challenging situations or prioritizing their needs and well-being at times. If growth is a goal, encourage each other. If growth is a shared goal, encourage each other's personal development by providing input, offering resources or providing or participating in activities that create learning and growth. If kindness is important, respond with compassion, even during disagreements. If quality time together is a need, prioritize shared activities without waiting for your partner to make the first move. If chore sharing matters, divide household tasks fairly, based on each other's strengths and preferences, without keeping score or expecting perfection.

Speaker 1: 34:56

Communicate openly about what needs to be done and work together to maintain a balanced and harmonious living environment. Harmonious living environment. Allow others to do things their way, without expecting them to do it your way or worse, going behind them and redoing it your way. Embodying these values yourself is just as essential as expecting them from your partner. This is walking your talk and puts a tremendous amount of weight in your approach to getting your expectations met, after communicating them, and gaining agreement after some compromise. A healthy, happy and harmonious relationship is a continuous work in progress requiring effort and commitment from all parties effort and commitment from all parties. By actively living out your own expectations, you create an environment conducive to growth, understanding and happiness for both you and your partner. Being the exemplary model of your expectations transforms relationships from arenas of silent demands and disappointment into spaces for connection, learning and mutual fulfillment. By demonstrating what you desire through consistent action, you create an environment where healthy expectations are communicated openly and are far more likely to be met, strengthening trust and deepening intimacy along the way to be met. Strengthening trust and deepening intimacy along the way, learning compromise and negotiation and how to communicate in a compassionate way during disagreements or when you feel your emotion and surfacing is a skill that can be learned, and I am happy to partner with you and support you with learning that this will strengthen your trust and deepen intimacy in your relationships along the way.

Speaker 1: 36:53

Now here's my invitation for you To better understand your needs and those of your partner, family members, friends or coworkers. Take the Primary Relationship Needs Quiz at needsdrdarhawkscom. The quiz will provide you valuable insights into your primary relationship need and will help you identify areas for growth and improvement in your interactions with others. By gaining a deeper understanding of your own needs and those of others, you can create a more harmonious and fulfilling connection in all areas of your own needs and those of others. You can create a more harmonious and fulfilling connection in all areas of your life.

Speaker 1: 37:31

So why not take the first step towards building healthier relationships by taking the quiz today? Visit needsdardhawkscom. Also, if you have unmet expectations in a current or past experience or past relationship whether it's a partner, boyfriend, parent, friend, co-worker or manager or you want support with your expectations being met, schedule a coaching session with me today at bookingsdrdarhawkscom. Sessions are only $150 per session. However, if you join my community by taking the primary relationship needs quiz and participate in my monthly events, which are at no additional cost to you, each session is $99. I hope that that makes booking a session an easier choice for you to make. Thank you for your listening and for your time, and I look forward to meeting you in the quiz, in a coaching session or in the next podcast.