Ep60 Part 1 - When What You Want Goes Unsaid: How Unspoken Expectations Damage Love

Ever wondered why some relationships crumble despite no obvious conflicts? The answer might lie in something invisible yet powerful: unmet expectations. Dr. Dar dives deep into what she calls "the silent relationship killer" – those unspoken guidelines that shape how we interact with others and experience emotions in our relationships.

Expectations aren't merely hopes or desires; they're fundamental frameworks formed by our personal values, past experiences, and cultural influences. When left uncommunicated, these expectations create significant disconnects between partners, leading to misunderstandings, resentment, and relationship deterioration. "Uncommunicated and unrealistic expectations always lead to upset in relationships," Dr. Dar emphasizes, highlighting the importance of bringing these hidden standards into the open.

Financial expectations represent one of the most common battlegrounds in relationships. From differing views on income contribution and spending habits to approaches toward saving and debt management, money matters often trigger significant conflicts when expectations don't align. Dr. Dar offers practical guidance for addressing these differences, including establishing healthy financial habits together, clarifying responsibilities, and maintaining open communication about financial matters.

Beyond romantic relationships, expectations influence all our connections – with friends, family members, coworkers, and managers. Each relationship type carries its own set of common expectations, many of which seem obvious but remain undiscussed. The consequences of these unmet expectations extend beyond momentary disappointment, potentially causing lasting damage through resentment, emotional distance, and communication breakdowns.

The solution? Open, honest communication and explicit agreements about expectations. Dr. Dar provides helpful scripts for initiating these potentially difficult conversations, emphasizing emotional

Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships.  Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships... 
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.

Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships.  Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships... 
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.

Chapters

• 0:00 Introducing the Silent Relationship Killer
• 6:36 Defining and Understanding Expectations
• 14:47 Addressing Financial Expectations in Relationships
• 23:32 Common Expectations Across Different Relationships
• 27:59 Consequences of Unmet Expectations
• 31:11 Creating Agreements and Final Thoughts

Transcript

Speaker 1: 1:00

Welcome to Episode 60 of the Better Relationships Podcast. I'm Dr Dar, your host and relationship communication coach and healer. Today, we're going to dive into the topic of unmet expectations, the silent relationship killer. Expectations play a fundamental role in shaping all of your relationships, including the one with yourself. They're not just hopes or desires for a specific outcome, but rather the unspoken guidelines that influence how you interact with others and how you experience emotions within yourself and within your relationships. Experience emotions within yourself and within your relationships. What I'm sharing with you today applies to all of your relationships, even though I use the word partner.

Speaker 1: 1:55

Let's start with defining expectations. Expectations encompass both what you want from others and what you consider necessary in your relationships. They serve as reference points for behavior and emotional reactions. They are formed by a variety of factors, such as personal values and beliefs, past experiences, cultural influences and societal, familial or religious norms. However, when expectations go uncommunicated or are not addressed, they can become a silent killer in your relationships.

Speaker 1: 2:41

Expectations shape how you perceive your partner and other relationships. They affect your interpretation of their actions and words, and they establish your standards of support and connection. Expectations often lie beneath the surface, influencing your thoughts, emotions, behaviors and actions without you even realizing it, until an upset happens. These unspoken expectations can create a significant disconnect between partners, leading to misunderstandings, resentment partners leading to misunderstandings, resentment and, ultimately, the deterioration of the relationship. It is important for you to recognize and communicate your expectations openly and honestly with your partner in order to cultivate understanding, empathy and a healthier connection with each other and a healthier connection with each other. It is equally important to ask your partner if they can help you meet your expectations and allow space for compromise or change. It's also important to ask them what their expectations are of you and your relationship. Here's a script to help you have this conversation, honey. I've been reflecting on our relationship and I realized that we might have some unspoken expectations of each other. I think it's important for us to talk about them openly so that we can better understand each other's needs and work towards meeting them. Can we take some time to discuss what we expect from each other in terms of love, support, communication and other aspects of our relationship? It's okay if our expectations differ, but let's find common ground and see how we can navigate those differences together.

Speaker 1: 4:48

Unmet expectations can breed resentment and disappointment. They create a gap between what you desire from your connections and what you actually receive can create a toxic cycle of blame and disappointment, where one person feels constantly let down while the other remains oblivious to their partner's needs. This can lead to frustration, anger and a breakdown in communication, trust, safety and intimacy In marriage and romantic partnerships. Common examples of unmet expectations include differing views on financial management, parenting styles, extended family involvement, intimacy needs and communication preferences. These disparities can lead to ongoing tension and discord if not addressed openly and constructively.

Speaker 1: 5:53

As a relationship and communication coach, I have always said and seen that uncommunicated and unrealistic expectations always lead to upset in relationships. When these deeply ingrained expectations go unfulfilled, they can silently undermine the foundation of your relationships. Unmet expectations lead to disappointment, resentment and distance, which can quietly destroy intimacy and connection. While expectations are natural and inevitable in any relationship, they should not be treated as absolutes. They can be fluid and subject to change over time.

Speaker 1: 6:41

To avoid this silent relationship killer, it is essential to have regular check-ins with your partner or loved ones. Ensuring that you have a relationship check-in with honest and open communication is vital to manage expectations and ensure everyone involved feels heard and understood. Discuss your desires, hopes and expectations openly and honestly. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but addressing these issues head-on can prevent long-term damage to your relationships. It's important to have the conversation once you are emotionally grounded, have thought things through, have planned the conversation and are ready to talk about it in a constructive way. I also want to remind you that neither of you is a mind reader, so it's important that you clearly express your needs and listen actively to the needs of others, seek compromise when necessary and be willing to adjust your own expectations if they are unrealistic, unreasonable, unfair or don't match up to what your partner accepts. Here's a clue for when compromise is needed. If you're noticing your partner and you are playing ping pong with a topic or with your conversation about expectations where they say something and then you say something, and then they say something and you say something, but it's not moving forward that is an indication of compromise being necessary. Here's a script to help you with that.

Speaker 1: 8:28

I value our relationship and want to ensure we are on the same page. Can we take some time to discuss our expectations, desires and hopes for the future? I believe open communication will strengthen our relationship and prevent misunderstandings and upsets. By fostering open lines of communication and being mindful of each other's expectations, you can create healthier, more fulfilling relationships solidly built on trust, understanding and mutual respect. Now let's talk about understanding expectations in relationships.

Speaker 1: 9:08

As I've stated, expectations play a crucial role in shaping the dynamics of your relationships. Here's a closer look at how they influence your interactions. There are different types of expectations. Here's a closer look at how they influence your interactions Spoken versus unspoken. Spoken expectations are communicated explicitly, while unspoken ones are often assumed or implied. Unspoken expectations usually lead to upset, disappointment or resentment. Shaping factors personal values, individual beliefs and principles significantly impact what you expect from others. Past experiences, previous encounters, shape your anticipations in your current relationships. Cultural norms, societal standards and cultural backgrounds can influence your outlook on expectations. In some ways. You may have taken them on as solid for you, but you may not have really thought through them and actively made a choice that those norms are correct for you and your relationship. Unpacking what you've learned from others versus what you choose for yourself is a helpful way to discern whether or not your expectations are serving you in a healthy way or not. Discussing this with a professional relationship and communication coach like myself, instead of working through it in your own head, can bring you insights, awareness and help you assess whether or not the expectation is of your own choosing and benefit, or if it's something you've learned and took on as an expectation that truly does not serve you, is not of your own choosing and also doesn't benefit your relationships. Here are some examples of expectations. Here are some examples of unrealistic expectations in relationships Expecting a partner to fulfill all emotional needs without external support or self-soothing support.

Speaker 1: 11:27

Believing that love alone will solve all problems within your relationship. Assuming that a partner will change their habits, behaviors or personality traits immediately upon request. Thinking that a relationship should be free from conflict or disagreements. Expecting constant validation and reassurance from a partner. Understanding common expectations across different relationship types helps you create and build mutual understanding and empathy. So here are some examples that shed light on typical gendered and marital slash relationship role-based expectations. It's important to know these general examples so that you can discern whether it's true for you or not and to make the appropriate changes and shifts to those that work better for you and create a healthy, harmonious and happy relationship for you and your partner. Number one marriage expectation.

Speaker 1: 12:30

In a marital setting, there is often an expectation for partners to provide emotional support, share financial responsibilities, share in household duties and collaborate on decision making. Traditional roles could dictate that one partner takes the lead in certain areas like household chores, managing the bookkeeping, the shopping or even child rearing. Female expectation in a relationship Women may expect emotional connection, communication and shared responsibilities from their partners, as well as financial stability and overall emotional safety. This can include support in managing household tasks, child care duties and active listening in conversations. Expectation about life partnership Individuals often expect their life partners to be loyal, trustworthy, understanding and supportive, not just through life's ups and downs, but on a daily basis. Shared values, goals and a sense of partnership are also crucial components of this expectation. 4. Expectation from a man in a relationship, men may be expected to demonstrate strength, provide security and offer practical solutions to challenges and day-to-day life. Emotional availability, active listening and showing vulnerability are also increasingly valued traits in modern relationships, and you absolutely can learn how to become emotionally available, how to listen effectively and be more open with your thoughts, feelings and whole body, mind and spirit, and whole body, mind and spirit. People may anticipate their life partners to be their confidants, best friends, lovers and co-pilots throughout life. Compatibility in interests, values and long-term goals often underpins this expectation.

Speaker 1: 14:48

Financial expectations in marriage or a relationship, financial expectations are a fundamental aspect of marital and committed relationships and can significantly influence the overall health and satisfaction within a partnership. These expectations encompass how money is earned, how it's managed, spent and saved, and often reflect both partners' values, backgrounds and long-term goals, as well as what they learned about money early on in their childhood. Let's shift a little bit to talk about the common financial expectations in marriage, because this is one area that is often touted as the reason for relationship failure or divorce. Number one income contribution. Many couples have implicit or explicit expectations regarding who will contribute financially to the household. Some may expect dual incomes, while others anticipate one partner to be the primary earner. How you're both going to leverage the incomes that you do make and how you're going to divide that up for household expenses. How you're going to keep it for your own savings. How you're going to contribute to joint savings and plan for goals like annual vacation or hobbies.

Speaker 1: 16:26

Number two budgeting and spending. Partners often expect a mutual understanding or agreement on how much to spend on daily expenses, leisure activities, gifts or large purchases. Discrepancies in spending habits can become sources of conflict if not discussed openly Going shopping without letting your partner know and spending money and then coming home, but hiding what you purchased from them, acting as though you didn't, is damaging to the relationship as well. Number three saving and investing. Expectations around saving for emergencies, retirement, children's education or major life events are common. Differences in risk tolerance or saving priorities should be addressed very early in the relationship and revisited when risk tolerances are being triggered. It's important to learn negotiation and compromise and diplomatic communication strategies and approaches in order to talk about risk when expenditures come up, without emotion and finding ways to collaborate and create a mutually satisfying and acceptable solution.

Speaker 1: 17:51

Number four debt management. Entering marriage with existing debts, such as student loans or credit card balances, can shape financial expectations about responsibility for repayment and attitudes towards incurring future debt. Expecting your partner to take care of your own debts without discussing it and openly showing them instead of being secretive about your debts, so that you both can tackle them together and put together a plan. Whether they're contributing or not, at least you have a plan and shared understanding. Number five financial independence versus shared finances. Some partners prefer to pool all resources together, while others value maintaining personal accounts alongside joint ones. Clear communication about these preferences and how it's going to work is essential to prevent misunderstandings. Number six lifestyle choices, expectations about the standard of living, where to live, what car to drive, travel plans, etc. Are closely linked with financial management and should be negotiated based on realistic income projections and shared priorities. Here's some guidance for addressing financial expectations. Here's some guidance for addressing financial expectations.

Speaker 1: 19:25

Discussing long-term financial goals, such as home ownership, starting a business or early retirement, can help align expectations and establish a roadmap for achieving your aspirations. Establishing healthy financial habits together, like budgeting, saving and investing, can strengthen your financial foundation and promote long-term financial stability. This does require investigation, acceptance and honesty of your own habits, how they were formed, your emotional spending and other behaviors that may deter you from your financial goals. Clarifying who will manage day-to-day finances, pay bills, file taxes and make investment decisions can avoid confusion and ensure shared understanding of each other's responsibilities. I do advocate for participating together in financial management so that you are on the same page in all matters about money. Open and ongoing communication about financial matters is essential. Regularly reviewing budgets, discussing major expenses and being transparent about income changes, spending habits or unexpected financial challenges will build trust and teamwork. Discussing and creating, as well as following, a plan to accomplish long-term financial goals, such as home ownership, starting a business or early retirement can help align your expectations and establish a roadmap to achieve these aspirations. As far as contingency planning goes, preparing for unexpected events like job loss, illness or natural disasters by having an emergency fund and continuing to contribute to it or insurance coverage can provide security and alleviate financial stress. Security and alleviate financial stress. Seeking guidance from a financial planner, cpa or financial therapist can be valuable in navigating complex financial decisions and resolving differences in money management approaches. Effective financial management requires compromise, flexibility and adaptability as circumstances change over time. By proactively addressing these topics before you get married, as well as during your marriage, as well as throughout your marriage, couples can build a solid foundation for a healthy financial partnership.

Speaker 1: 22:22

Now I want to share some more common expectations that apply not only to people, but also environments, money and other areas in your life. For friendship, we expect mutual respect, honesty and support. We also seek companionship, trust and shared interests, hoping for laughter, understanding and a shoulder to lean on and sharing experiences, creating memories and enjoying each other's company. With parents, we expect unconditional love, guidance and support. We hope for understanding, patience and encouragement. We also seek wisdom, care and a nurturing environment. And we desire feeling valued, accepted, pride and being cherished by our parents. With family members, we also expect unconditional love, loyalty and acceptance. We hope for unity, harmony and shared traditions. We seek connection, warmth and a sense of belonging. We also want to create long-lasting bonds, celebrate milestones, have family gatherings and offer unwavering support to one another and offer unwavering support to one another.

Speaker 1: 24:14

With coworkers. We expect professionalism, collaboration and respect. We hope for clear communication, teamwork and support in achieving common goals. We seek a positive work environment, constructive feedback and mutual understanding, and we desire to build strong working relationships based on trust and accountability and have a healthy work environment. From our managers, we want to have prioritizing guidance, leadership and recognition. We'd like to have membership, opportunities for growth and fair evaluation. We seek clear expectations, constructive feedback and a supportive work culture. We also desire to contribute effectively to the team's success and cultivate a positive working relationship with our manager and them with us. In work environments, we expect a positive and inclusive atmosphere that promotes creativity, collaboration and personal growth. We hope for a healthy work-life balance, opportunities for professional development and fair treatment, as well as recognition. We seek open communication channels, respect for diversity and recognition for our contributions. We desire a supportive and empowering environment that encourages innovation and fosters the overall well-being of its employees Regarding personal commitments and responsibilities outside of work. We also hope for again, a healthy work-life integration that allows for harmonious balance between our professional and personal lives.

Speaker 1: 25:58

While these examples may seem obvious, many of them are assumed and usually are not discussed openly and honestly, and in many cases, nor is an agreement created between each other for the expectation to be met. Unmet expectations in relationships can lead to a range of emotional consequences which, over time, erode the health of your relationships and it can also end relationships. Here are some consequences of unmet expectations Disappointment when expectations are not met, individuals can feel let down, disillusioned and resentful, leading to a sense of dissatisfaction within the relationship. Anger Unresolved or unacknowledged unmet expectations can fuel feelings of anger toward one's partner for not meeting those needs or desires. Resentment Over time, unaddressed unmet expectations can breed resentment, creating a barrier to emotional intimacy and closeness. Emotional distance, continual disappointment, a sense of unfulfillment, inadequacy and unresolved issues can result in emotional distancing between partners, eroding the connection and trust in the relationship, undermining trust and intimacy. When one partner consistently fails to meet the other's needs or desires based on agreements they've made with each other, it can create a sense of betrayal and erode the foundation of trust. This can lead to emotional disconnection and make it difficult to build or maintain intimacy Stagnation when individuals feel their needs are not being met, they may become complacent or disengaged, which can hinder personal growth and the growth of the relationship as a whole.

Speaker 1: 28:06

Communication Breakdowns Failure to openly discuss and address unmet expectations can lead to a breakdown in communication. Unmet expectations can lead to a breakdown in communication. This can result in misunderstandings, unresolved conflicts and a lack of clarity about each other's needs and desires. To avoid these negative consequences, partners need to have open and honest communication about their expectations and speak about it like adults, calmly, clearly and collaboratively. This involves having a tremendous amount of emotional awareness and actively listening to each other, expressing needs and desires clearly, asking questions to better understand each other's perspectives and working together to find mutually satisfying solutions. It also requires a willingness to compromise and adaptation as necessary, while also recognizing that meeting all expectations may not always be possible.

Speaker 1: 29:16

Creating an agreement In addition to open communication, creating an agreement around expectations can help ensure they are being met. This involves discussing each other's expectations openly, negotiating where necessary and committing to meeting those expectations to the best of one's ability. We've got to start asking each other for support and asking each other and sharing what our expectation is and asking our partners what they can help us fulfill and what we're willing to fulfill on our own. As far as that expectation goes, here's a script to help you make an agreement. Partner A I value quality time together. I expect us to spend at least one evening a week doing an activity we both enjoy. Partner B I understand the importance of quality time for you. While I can't commit to every week, I can make sure we have a dedicated date night every other week. Partner A that sounds like a reasonable start. Let's make it a priority to stick to that schedule and let's take turns on planning what we will do together on our date nights. Partner B agreed, I appreciate your understanding and flexibility. Can we sync up our calendars now and block those dates and times and include on our calendars who will plan each date? That way it's on our calendars and when the date shows up we'll know when to start planning. By having this conversation and reaching an agreement, both partners become aware of each other's expectations, they have a clear plan to meet them, and that reduces the chances of disappointment or misunderstandings.

Speaker 1: 31:18

This concludes part one of two on the topic of expectations in relationships.

Speaker 1: 31:25

In the next episode, episode 61, I will cover unrealistic expectations and their consequences more about unspoken and healthy expectations, and I'll also give you some relatable and practical steps you can take right now to address expectations, to address unmet expectations in your life and relationships. Lastly, to better understand your own needs and those of your partner, family member, friends or coworkers, I invite you to take the Primary Relationship Needs Quiz at needsdrdarhawkscom. The quiz can provide valuable insights into your primary relationship needs and help you identify areas for growth and improvement in your interactions with others and within yourself. You will also receive my Relationship Educational Series. By gaining a deeper understanding of your own needs and those of others, you can create a more harmonious and fulfilling connection in all areas of your life. So why not take the first step towards building healthier relationships by taking the quiz today? You can do so now at needsdrdarhawkscom. That's needsdrdarhawkscom. Also, if you are dealing with unfulfilled or unmet expectations or want support with getting them met, schedule a coaching session or free consult with me today. You can do that at bookingsdrdarhawkscom.