Ep59 Instigating Change: When You Want Others to Transform

Have you ever wished you could change your partner, family member, friend, or colleague? Dr. Dar Hawks challenges the common belief that "you can't change other people" by revealing a powerful truth: when you transform yourself, those around you often change in response.

Forget about direct confrontation, ultimatums, or demands - these approaches typically trigger resistance and defensiveness. Instead, Dr. Dar introduces an indirect, influential method that works through what she calls "relationship electromagnetics" - the invisible forces governing our interactions. By changing your own behaviors, communication style, and the energy you bring to conversations, you create profound shifts without ever directly asking others to change.

This transformative approach requires understanding that people react not only to who you are now, but to their memory of who you've been. Dr. Dar explains why consistency and patience are crucial as you break established patterns and create space for new perceptions to take root. Through compelling examples - from improving emotional intelligence to adopting healthier habits - she demonstrates how personal growth naturally inspires those around you to evolve alongside you.

The episode delves into the impact of trauma on our capacity for change, the challenges of sustaining transformation, and the difference between trying to change someone's personality versus their behaviors. Dr. Dar offers practical questions to recalibrate your internal state before difficult conversations and shares strategies for creating environments where change feels like an invitation rather than an imposition.

Ready to become the catalyst for positive transformation in your relationships? Take the relationship needs quiz at needs.drdarhawks.com and discover how your personal growth can create ripple effects that change your entire relational landscape.

Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships.  Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships... 
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.

Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships.  Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships... 
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.

Chapters

• 0:00 Can You Change Another Person?
• 7:29 Indirect Approach to Creating Change
• 14:20 Energy and Electromagnetics in Relationships
• 28:23 Understanding What Change Is
• 35:08 Self-Change That Influences Others
• 45:32 Challenges of Sustaining Change
• 51:44 Direct vs Indirect Influence

Transcript

Dr. Dar Hawks: 1:00

Welcome to Episode 59 of the Better Relationships Podcast. I'm Dr Dar Hawks, your host, and today I want to talk about whether you can really change another person. I often get asked how do I make my wife change? How do I get my husband to do this? Can you really make your spouse or partner or friend or parent change? Well, my answers might surprise you. Oh how I'd love to have received a penny For each time a client asked me how to get their spouse, family member, boss, parent or friend to change.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 1:46

You, too, may have wished someone in your life was different, would do things differently, say things differently, or you probably know someone who wishes that too. If so, this is the podcast episode for you. There is a common myth that says you cannot change other people. You can only change yourself. I bet you've heard that too, but no one talks about how other people around you actually do change, right in front of your eyes when you make changes of your own. Now, bear with me here. You may be thinking I'm going to talk about how you can make someone else change their ways, and I am, but it may not be exactly how or what you want to hear.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 2:43

Creating change in someone else really requires an indirect approach. You've most likely been taught the common mainstream approach to be assertive, ask or demand for what you want or need. Tell others what you want them to do or say or tell them what you want them to change. But that approach is commonly followed by resistance, defensiveness or doubling down in the very thing you want them to change. An indirect and influential approach is a very different way than telling them what changes you want them to make, or worse, give them, or worse or worse, giving them ultimatums. More often than not, telling someone you care about that they must change will not pan out as you originally wanted or intended, which results in you getting frustrated, them resisting, creating conflict or, dare I say, the relationship, ending. The people you ask to change may say people just don't change, you can't make me change. But the notion that you can't change people generally refers to the difficulty in altering ingrained traits or personalities. However, by focusing on behavior adjustments, you can inspire transformation in yourself and, consequently, in people around you. Instead, if you could inspire change simply by demonstrating it through changing your behaviors, changing your communication style or communication tactics and changing the energy that you bring to the conversation in the relationship. That's what I mean by focusing on behavior adjustments versus telling people to change their traits.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 4:36

Let me give you an example of changing a personality. Let's say that you have a friend that is extremely skeptical and you want them to become more positive. They may be inherently an individual who questions everything and criticizes everything. That doesn't mean that they're a bad person. It just means that they may be incompatible for you as a positive for long durations of time. They may be people that you can count on to help you question things or create a way of thinking differently about a problem in your life or something that you're going to buy or a thing that you're wanting to take on in your life. Having healthy skeptics and critics in your life is a good thing, but you, as a positive person, may not be able to live with them 24-7. That's kind of an exaggerated example, but I wanted to share with you what I mean by traits and personality versus behaviors Behavior.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 5:42

An example of a behavior is somebody maybe it's a roommate or a partner or spouse. As soon as they come in the house, they throw their shoes off, kick their socks off wherever they are. All of a sudden, you've got shoes and socks everywhere in that room near the entry of the house. That is a behavior Focusing on behaviors instead of traits or personalities has an increased likelihood of being able to create change. Instead of focusing on traits or personalities, what if your actions and attitudes became the quiet catalyst for change? Consider how a calm person or a calm presence or mood can disarm anger, or how a warm smile can soften tension. Those are small actions, but they really do have a powerful influence. This happens because each person's energy feeds the other in a cyclic pattern of action and reaction. Now, this isn't about being passive or avoiding the problem. It's truly about shifting the electromagnetic and the energy between you and reorienting yourself and the other person in how to be with each other.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 7:26

Electromagnetics governs human interactions. It is the invisible force in your relationship that consists of a blend of emotions, intentions and unspoken cues that influence the behavior and feelings of yourself and others. When you learn to harness that energy intentionally, you can create a space where change feels less like an imposition and more like an invitation. Recognizing the impact of self-change on others will require a healthy dose of self-control, awareness, consistency, follow-through and patience. It also requires being able to recognize, see, acknowledge and appreciate the teeny, tiny glimmers of change in yourself and in others that can so easily be missed without getting coaching support.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 8:29

It takes time to be able to see the change in others while you create changes within yourself. The main reason for this is that you have a past reference point of who you were in that relationship, as does the person that you're in a relationship with or that you're interacting with. Think of it this way you have trained yourself and each other to expect experience and see each other to be the way you used to be you, and they will continue to refer to that memory of you in the present moment for a period of time. This is why it's important to give them and yourself the opportunity to witness and experience growth and change consistently over time until you both start relating to each other based on this new version of you and each other. It can be challenging, as you and others will tend to resist the change and be skeptical of each other's transformation. However, by demonstrating self-control, staying aware of your own actions and reactions, being consistent in your new behaviors, following through on your commitments and practicing patience with each other, you both will begin to see each other as you are in the present moment, when you experience personal growth and transformation.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 10:01

It can bring about change in it others, but the extent of this change is indirect. Most people just dive into their interactions and conversations with minimal planning, reacting in the moment to what others are saying, not saying, doing or not doing, and reacting to things that feel uncomfortable for yourself or things that you don't appreciate or don't like in yourself that are being mirrored through other people. Taking the time to get clear in your body, mind and energy before having conversations to create change and identifying what it will take to become the better person or partner, as well as identifying what the other person is reacting to or responding to that originates from you, begins with recalibrating your own inner state. Here are some questions you can ask yourself. Here are some questions you can ask yourself.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 11:05

What energy am I bringing into this interaction? Am I communicating openness or am I transmitting rigidity? Do I have a positive, negative or neutral mood or charge? What do I need to do to get into a neutral state of being? What do I need to do to get into a neutral state of being, into a state of inclusiveness and into a state of a beginner's mind? A beginner's mind means you're curious about the dialogue. You're curious about the other person and you just are neutral about it. You don't have a bias or an agenda. Am I exuding kindness or am I radiating defensiveness or control? Is there an experience from a past experience I've had that I'm bringing into this interaction? Can I leave it in the past and approach this interaction or experience as a new one, with a beginner's mind? What desired outcome am I trying to achieve with this interaction? Is this outcome what's best for everyone involved, or is this just about me? What do I need to model and change within myself to bring forward this outcome? These questions are not meant to spark self-criticism, but to inspire mindfulness, to inspire a way to ensure your energy aligns with the outcome you hope to achieve. These are some of the questions I use with my clients, but is not all inclusive. However, they should be enough to get started with your DIY approach to checking your own energy and electromagnetics.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 13:03

Consider this a long game. It's a practice of influence rather than control. It requires a level of self-awareness and, above all, a commitment to the kind of change you wish. Instead of directly addressing what you want them to change, try pivoting your focus inward and examine how your own behavior, reactions and energy might be contributing to the experience you are having with them. For example, your partner is very jealous of a relationship you have with a co-worker. Instead of trying to convince your partner that their jealousy is misplaced or unfair, begin by looking at what behaviors you are engaging in. Begin with looking at what behaviors you are engaging in with your coworker that your partner may also want to share with you. Their jealousy could be ignited due to the amount of time you spend with them, the types of conversations you have, the connection you have, the frequency of connection or time that you have with them, the interruptions with cell phone conversations or texts when you are with your partner. There are other things that you could look at too. Those are some examples. By approaching the situation with compassion and introspection, you might find that your partner begins to feel more secure over time because of the efforts that you are making in adjusting your behaviors to be inclusive of your partner.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 14:38

Now, with this example, I have worked with couples and coached them. Where one party that is jealous of their partner's relationship with their coworker, they might use the term work spouse, work husband or work wife, which is, and can very well be a term used in jealousy. Oftentimes, though, that partner will say that's silly. I work with them, we share a career, I can talk to them about things at my work that you just don't understand and never will. That's an example of diminishing or misplacing or criticizing and pushing back on the person who feels jealous, and it doesn't resolve the issue. In fact, it could make your partner even more jealous. Instead, take a more inclusive approach, trying to include them in the dialogue. Spend some time sharing about your work so that they feel included, and share that part of your life with you, because, let's face it, we spend a lot of time at work More time, dare I say, than we do with our partners in quality one-on-one time. By approaching the situation with compassion and introspection, you may find that your partner begins to feel more secure over time, due to your efforts in adjusting your behaviors to be inclusive of your partner.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 16:45

This process of change often starts small, which is why it requires a healthy dose of patience, consistency and vigilance to ensure you do not default to old patterns of behavior. And vigilance to ensure you do not default to old patterns of behavior. Each minor adjustment you make gradually dissolves rigid patterns that might have felt impossible to change. It may not happen immediately, but with patience, consistency and genuine intent, you can create the conditions where transformative shifts can unfold naturally and in their own time. The most profound shifts occur when you stop pointing outward and start making subtle adjustments to your inner world. Pointing outward exudes the energy of blame, criticism or judgment, which is why you're usually met with resistance, conflict or defensiveness, or even arguing, when informing someone they must change. Change in this sense becomes less about control and more about influence.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 17:48

For explanation purposes, I'm calling the change you want to see in another person the issue. It's not that you are causing the issue or that they are. It's that the need for change resulted from a one-time or recurring issue that originated in the past. It could also be an issue that originated from a different person or different relationship altogether. Furthermore, more often than not, each person is acting and reacting based on an experience they learned from the past, and it can be a recent past with the same person, or far back into childhood with a different person. This is why the idea of mindfulness and staying in the present moment is applicable in relationship-based interactions. For instance, having the wisdom to extend a moment of silence when emotions escalate, can provide the needed pause to recalibrate the conversation and allow for a space of understanding to take precedence over reaction. Here's a side note One of my unique gifts and talents as a relationship communication coach is working with people to create internal emotional harmony and showing them how their electromagnetic is impacting the issue, them how their electromagnetic is impacting the issue, and I teach them and show them ways to shift the electromagnetics and what energy behind the words to use in order to create change. By using this method that I'm sharing with you, they have created incredible and different results in their interactions as they go about their day in interacting with the people in their life, and the issue gets resolved Now.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 19:50

Equally significant is the practice of reflective listening, which is not merely hearing the words, but absorbing the essence and the meaning behind them. It also requires not making assumptions or interrupting. That requires asking curious questions to better understand the essence and the meaning behind the words they're sharing with you, instead of you making it up or thinking that your intuition has the answer, or, worse, making assumptions, because your interpretation can very well be very different from their intent. Listening with your whole body and mind conveys a powerful unspoken message. That message is that the person in front of you matters and their experiences are acknowledged and validated. In using reflective listening, you also will start dismantling barriers of misunderstanding and start instilling mutual respect. This is not about agreeing with every perspective or relinquishing your own truth, but it's about stepping into their world and mindset to grasp and understand their fears and hopes and motivations. It's also about putting your own truths on pause until the right time and when it's appropriate for you to share your perspective and also saying something like I acknowledge everything that you've said. I'd like to share my perspective with you about that, because it is different and maybe we can find some commonality and align in our approach going forward. This is the way relationships can evolve into spaces of connection rather than competition, or collaboration rather than contention.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 21:50

As you commit to these gradual adjustments, you're not simply influencing outcomes. You're reimagining your interactions and creating emotional harmony, trust and shared humanity. I've mentioned this term, emotional harmony, a couple of times. Let me share with you what it's about. Emotional harmony is about understanding your own emotions and having emotional balance within yourself. It's the ability to recognize your emotional triggers and the ability to navigate them without being overtaken by them, to ensure your interactions are rooted in intentionality rather than reaction. This inner work requires a conscious effort to pause and reflect, to acknowledge when frustration or impatience arises within you and choose instead to respond with compassion and patience. It's not about suppressing your feelings. Show them how to manage their emotions as well. Emotional harmony also creates joy. It just makes you a happier person for yourself, but also happier for others to be around you. They will want to be around you.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 23:33

Equally important is the recognition of timing and patience for interactions. Change unfolds in layers. It's not a one and done thing and it's often imperceptible at first. The shifts you cultivate in yourself set the stage for others to respond differently, paving the way for transformation without direct confrontation. Additionally, consider the role of nonverbal communication in shaping desired outcomes. Your body language, tone and even the silence you offer can speak volumes. A steady gaze, a nod of encouragement, putting your cell phone or other distractions away and them seeing you do it, or simply being fully present, can communicate respect and invite collaboration. Saying something like let me put these distractions away so I can focus on you is a great example. These gestures act as bridges, enabling others to feel valued, understood and acknowledged.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 24:49

People tend to be drawn to, not repelled by, the energy you exude when you are actively working on becoming the best version of yourself. As a result, their energy will incrementally shift to meet yours as long as you remain consistent with the changes you make to better yourself and when they are healthy and positive and you don't fall back to old ways of being. When interacting with those who know you, their energy will also incrementally shift to meet yours when you allow plenty of time for your transformation to take hold. Don't attach a timeline demands or expectations on seeing change in others, and that you're patient with yourself, because as you're implementing change within yourself and you're interacting with people who know you, they're reacting and responding to you based on the past version of yourself and you may revert to your old way of being. Keep practicing with them as you implement change. We react and respond to the energetic change we see or feel, but we also react or respond the version of ourselves and the version of the other person that we see from the past. So it's really important for you to get clear about am I thinking about this person based on the past or am I thinking about them with this issue in the present moment? And this is how electromagnetics work. We react and respond to the energetics. In the moment I talk about electromagnetics, what they are and how they work in episode number 56. I invite you to listen to that episode to learn more about that.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 26:37

While it's true you can't force change upon someone else, your own growth can serve as a powerful catalyst for transformation in your relationships. Now let's discuss what change is and is not. Change involves transforming behaviors, thoughts, feelings, attitudes, beliefs, values, communication, decisions and motivations, intentions and agendas. It means breaking old patterns and adopting new ones that match your goals and values. Change can be triggered by outside factors, such as significant life events or the influence of others. I want to give you some general examples for context that triggers change Loss of a loved one that can lead to personal growth and emotional maturity, or a breakdown and regression to childhood behaviors, career changes or job loss. This could prompt developing skills and a new life direction, or it could prompt depression and a lack of motivation to do anything. Marriage or divorce causes shifts in priorities and relationship patterns and behaviors. Having children transforms personal values and responsibilities. Having children requires change in both parents behaviors, and sometimes having children creates the situation where one parent may get stuck in behaviors that they had when they were single and that doesn't work for the other partner.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 28:23

Serious illness or injury can lead to lifestyle changes and new perspectives, or giving up, moving to a new country or city. That forces cultural adaptation and creating change with yourself, or it could create becoming a recluse. Educational achievements can create changing careers and a change in self-perception. Religious or spiritual awakening can change belief systems, and that can be for the better or to the detriment of a relationship. Surviving a traumatic event can result in psychological and physical transformation. Financial windfalls or bank risk can cause lifestyle, psychological and physical transformation. Financial windfalls or bank risk can cause lifestyle changes and priority changes. Military service can create discipline and worldview changes, but being deployed and coming back home can actually be harder than being deployed. Recovery from addiction leads to behavioral and social changes that can be positive or not. Life-threatening experiences can prompt re-evaluation of priorities or doubling down on who you are or who you were.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 29:41

Starting or ending significant relationships affects personal growth, and that can be for the better or not. Major health diagnoses those inspire lifestyle modifications, but also can inspire giving up. Experiencing changes like this impacts your relationships. It impacts perception of each other and your self-perception and general attitude. Now let's talk about the impact of changes on relationships and personal growth. Changes can strengthen or weaken your connection. They test your resilience and demand the acquisition of new coping mechanisms. Accepting change as a chance for personal development can enrich your relationships, but we have to communicate the changes that we're wanting to make and communicate the incremental change as we move forward and interact with people to see how it's, how they're responding or reacting to it. Some relationships may end or become more distant because your values, beliefs, morals or ethics no longer align.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 30:58

Now let's talk about what it takes to change your partner or another person. It requires looking at your own choices, behavior, attitudes, beliefs, values, moods, triggers or push buttons, your own emotional intelligence and maturity, your own emotional intelligence and theirs and emotional maturity, and how you're communicating and listening. The word belief refers to a conviction or acceptance that something is true or exists. Beliefs can be shaped by various factors, such as personal experiences, cultural background, upbringing and education. They often serve as the foundation for your thoughts, behaviors and decision-making processes. Challenging your beliefs is a powerful catalyst for personal growth and change. Challenging your beliefs about another person also is a powerful catalyst for personal growth and change. Challenging your beliefs about another person also is a powerful catalyst. It allows you to question the validity of your assumptions and interpretations. It allows you to explore different perspectives and consider alternative ways of thinking and being.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 32:25

Having beliefs is extremely subjective, much like feelings are. They are unique to each person in their expression or application. Consequently, when I'm working with clients and coaching them, I start with choices. When I'm working with clients and coaching them, I start with choices, because creating change requires you to actively choose to make adjustments in your own life, and you have choice in the matter. It's important to recognize that you cannot force someone else to change, but you can influence them to changing your own behavior and actions, and then examine your own behavior, attitudes and beliefs. Are there aspects of your relationship that may be contributing to the issue in the relationship? Is there a past experience that's contributing to a replay of that issue in the present? When a person is reacting, it's usually due to something unresolved that happened in the past, either with the same person or someone completely different, or it's due to a preference that a person has, or it's due to something that creates more work for them. Here are some examples of self-change that then creates or influences change in others.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 33:50

Joe works on increasing his emotional intelligence and becoming more emotionally mature so that he can better manage his emotional reactions Through consistently demonstrating and modeling emotional health. Joe notices his partner all of a sudden stops criticizing him as often as she used to. Jan and Joseph both struggle with anger management. Jan decides to attend therapy to assist with her anger issues. As Jan demonstrates managing her anger in a healthy way, she notices that Joseph's anger is less intense. Joseph eventually decides to get support for his anger response issues as well, and this leads them to develop better communication skills and self-emotional regulation.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 34:45

Fran decides to introduce nutritious and healthy cooking into her daily life. She gradually transforms her own eating habits and overall wellness. Once her partner notices the changes in her moods, energy, wellness and body, they too begin embracing more nutritious eating habits and body. They too begin embracing more nutritious eating habits. Lisa and James encourage each other to pursue higher ed. They create an education and financial plan together and a schedule, and their mutual support eventually results in both of them earning degrees they want. And their mutual support eventually results in both of them earning degrees they both once thought unattainable.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 35:32

Here are some more examples. When Emily develops an interest in fitness, her spouse Tom decides to join her for some joint workout sessions. Olivia's environmental consciousness influences her partner Ben to adopt more sustainable practices at home, deepening their shared commitment to eco-friendly living. As David becomes more emotionally open with his feelings, he notices Mia's feeling encouraged to be more expressive herself, feeling encouraged to be more expressive herself. When Priya's curiosity about cultural experiences grows, she encourages her partner Sam to join her in traveling and learning together, which then broadens their shared worldview. After Hannah seeks professional coaching to overcome her social anxiety, her progress inspires her partner Chris, who witnesses Hannah's growing confidence, to also seek help for personal growth in becoming more confident in himself, his abilities and his career.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 36:40

These are some general and simple examples for illustrative purposes of how your partner can change as a result of the change you choose for yourself. Of course, it's more complex than this, because there's electromagnetics at play, there's your past experiences at play, there's your personality and your body's energy at play, but this gives you an idea of this concept of self-change causing change in others. Think about it this way when you make changes in yourself, the people around you will start to transform as well. You and your people have trained each other over time to expect certain behaviors and responses. When you break that pattern by making changes for yourself and within yourself, it disrupts the status quo and invites others to do the same.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 37:36

Please don't underestimate the power of your own transformation and how it can influence and inspire those that you love. The energy within you has shifted and, as a result, the people around you will sense that change and their energy will also transform. You can also come up with strategies to make change easier for them, and that's something that I coach my clients on how to do. The example I provided about kicking your socks and shoes off may be creating a station where there's a laundry basket and a shoe stand where they can place their shoes and socks, because their behavior and habit is to come in and throw them off right away. The side benefit of that is they're not walking around the house with shoes on, and that makes it easier for you to keep the floors clean.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 38:32

Don't underestimate the power of your own transformation and how it can inspire and influence those you love. The energy within you has shifted and, as a result, the people around you will sense that change and their energy will also transform. They may initially resist or feel uncomfortable with the unfamiliar, but over time, with your consistency and standing strong, they will come to see the benefits and embrace the growth that comes with it. On the one hand, personal change can inspire those around you to start focusing on their own growth. It can deepen your emotional connections as you share your experiences and support each other's progress. On the other hand, change can also create tension or even distance if others struggle to adapt to the new version of ourselves. This is why change can be hard to sustain. Version of ourselves. This is why change can be hard to sustain.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 39:30

Oftentimes we go back to our old patterns of being because our community is not adapting quickly enough or we're fearful of that relationship ending or creating more conflict or hurting feelings, or they're just not changing and they're reinforcing the old habits and behaviors that we had. When attempting personal change, several factors can make it challenging to maintain progress, but you can implement things and ways and strategies to keep these from deterring you. Lack of support. Your immediate circle may not fully understand or support your new goals. That leads to feelings of isolation. Social expectations, long-standing social roles and expectations can pressure you to revert to your previous behaviors. This is certainly true in family-based relationships and long-term close friendships. Environmental triggers Familiar environments often contain numerous cues that remind you of past habits. We just fall right back into them A resistance to change. People around you may resist the changes you're making, either consciously or unconsciously, which then creates friction.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 40:46

It's important for you to get professional support to maintain the changes so that you don't go back to old patterns, and learn ways to manage, deal with and even influence what I call the resistors in your life. Professional coaching is a great way to get this support. You're working with a third party. They're neutral, they don't have biases and they're not in your past world. In addition to that, they're a champion for you and what you're wanting to create for your life, and having somebody else supporting you in the change seems to bring it about much faster than you can on your own. Your relationships do play a crucial role in shaping who you are and how you navigate change. They do serve as mirrors that reflect back on your strengths, weaknesses, blind spots, potential for growth and past. They also project their strengths, weaknesses, blind spots and potential of growth on you without you or them recognizing that this may be happening.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 41:51

Let's talk about the impact of trauma on our ability to change and be changed. Trauma does significantly influence our capacity for change. Past experiences create a framework through which we perceive the world and ourselves, impacting our attitudes, choices and behaviors. Trauma can lead to defense mechanisms and doubling down on our behaviors. These mechanisms can hinder willingness to embrace change and can manifest as fear or resistance. Individuals with traumatic backgrounds might view change as threatening. This perspective can trap them in cycles of defensiveness, projection or negativity, making it difficult to envision a different reality. It reminds me of a time very early in my relationship with my now husband where he went to a transformative workshop and he came back speaking a different language and I was so threatened by it that I said I don't know this language that you're speaking. You're using putting words together like you weren't before you left for this weekend, and I don't like it. That's an example of how, when we implement change too quickly, how it impacts other people. Behavioral patterns, reactions born from trauma, often dictate how we respond to others' attempts at change, clouding our judgment and fostering skepticism. Recognizing profound effects of trauma allows for a compassionate approach towards yourself and others. You really do need to be self-aware and be able to look at past traumas and past experiences in a kind and gentle way to create change. Acknowledging the behaviors I shared with you paves the way for self-healing and opens doors to transformative growth.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 44:01

Let's now talk about understanding change from the perspective of the importance of time, effort and self-discipline. Change is a process that takes time. Immense patience, strong discipline, conviction and dedication handle the ups and downs of personal growth better. Here are some requirements for embracing a change mindset. Time matters. Real change doesn't happen instantly. It happens gradually over weeks, months or even years. However, I do have to say that when you work with a professional relationship communication coach like myself, it can happen much more expeditiously versus DIY approaches.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 44:59

Consistent effort is key. Putting in consistent effort is crucial. Small, intentional actions can lead to significant changes in how you think and behave. Also, your coach can work with you making tweaks to the changes that you're trying to implement with the behavior, communication, values, etc. Based on a recent interaction, and then working with you real time to implement change based on your interactions with others, and so it's incremental, but you're working with someone to adjust and adapt real time, if you will. Self-discipline also can keep you going. Building self-discipline helps you keep moving forward. This means setting aside time for self-reflection and activities that promote your own growth. Change does start from within you and then spreads outward. This kind of change needs self-control, awareness, consistency, follow-through, communication, patience and support.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 46:06

Let's now talk about direct versus indirect influence. While you can't force someone to change, you can definitely influence them to change indirectly. By changing your own behavior and communication, you will demonstrate alternative ways of being. You'll challenge existing relationship patterns. You'll create space for others to grow. You'll inspire reflection and self-examination. You'll create positive, subtle shifts in others. You'll create the space for questioning current relationship habits in a mutually supportive way. You'll allow room for others to develop. You'll encourage introspection and self-reflection.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 46:51

As you're talking about your own and sharing about your own, the power of example is well, it's powerful. When you change others. See the benefits of your personal growth, your relationships will naturally evolve, new boundaries and expectations will arise, and people may feel more comfortable to explore their own growth. Here are some important reminders for you. Change must come from within each individual. You can influence, but not control, others' growth. You can control your own and each person's journey on change is unique, so patience and acceptance are crucial. While your personal growth can create conditions that encourage change in others, their transformation remains their choice and responsibility.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 47:44

Now I want to share some examples of the impacts of change from the perspective of the five fundamental and primary relationship needs. To learn about these relationship needs, please take the relationship needs quiz on my website at needsdrdarhawkscom. You will learn about your primary, fundamental relationship need that drives everything in your relationship and your behavior, and you'll also learn about your secondary and your shadow or weakness need. That usually is the underlying thing that creates upsets or issues in your relationship or communication breakdowns. Now let me share some examples.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 48:32

With love and belonging when a husband starts expressing more verbal appreciation and affection towards his wife, she becomes more naturally open and reciprocates with increased affection. Freedom as a parent begins respecting their teenager's independence and decision-making abilities. Their teen becomes more responsible and communicative about their activities and choices. Fun when one sibling initiates more playful interactions and suggests sharing in these activities, their brother or sister becomes more enthusiastic about spending time together. Safety when a friend demonstrates consistent reliability and emotional support, their friend group begins sharing more vulnerable, experiencing and creating deeper connections. Survival when a co-worker starts prioritizing work-life balance and setting healthy boundaries, their colleagues begin respecting personal time and adopting similar practices for their own well-being. Power when an employee takes initiative to improve workplace processes and communicates effectively with their manager, their manager begins delegating more responsibilities and trusting their judgment.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 50:05

Now let's shift topics a little bit. I really want to talk about the value of my approach. I don't do this enough, and my coach is encouraging me to do that, so I want to share a little bit so that you can understand my approach. I understand your desire to create meaningful changes in your relationships. Through my years of experience as a relationship communication coach and healer, I've helped singles, couples, teams and managers understand the complicated nature of personal change and how it affects their relationships with partners, family and colleagues. Rather than trying to directly change others, I'll show you how to create an environment that indirectly ignites positive changes in those around you. My approach focuses on creating diplomatic communication strategies that change the dynamics in the relationship and reduces or eliminates the issues. It focuses on identifying and addressing underlying patterns that may be blocking desired changes and building emotional intelligence to better connect with others, as well as creating, respecting and upholding healthy boundaries while maintaining compassion. Respecting and upholding healthy boundaries while maintaining compassion. It also includes implementing the five relationship needs in your daily interactions and within yourself.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 51:35

We will explore and understand the role of trauma your trauma in your relationships as well as theirs. It will allow for mutual growth and respect and assist you in doing your own work independently, without expectation or instant gratification. Together, we'll explore how your own personal development can catalyze positive changes in others. I'll help you recognize and modify unconscious behaviors that affect your relationships. Learn transformative techniques for emotional regulation.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 52:09

Develop strategies for inspiring growth without controlling others or yourself. Create sustainable change through consistent, mindful actions and choices. Notice, acknowledge and appreciate tiny, incremental changes in yourself and others. Develop a deeper understanding of the impact of trauma on relationships. Learn to interact calmly and resolve conflicts in a mutually healthy, forward-focused manner. Leave the past in the past. Use my disruption by distraction technique to change the topic or leave an argument or negative conversation that is frustrating or escalating. Avoid trying to fix things when you're angry or in a negative mindset and know what to do instead. Recognize and address any patterns of codependency or an unhealthy attachment. Allow yourself to be seen authentically in your relationships. Receive criticism and feedback from a space of choice rather than hurt feelings. Redefine love and what being loved looks and feels like. Learn how to love yourself. Learn how to learn how to allow yourself to be loved for who you are and reorient your communication style and electromagnetics so that you experience the outcomes you desire from others.

Dr. Dar Hawks: 53:43

Changes in relationships are achieved through example rather than force. When force is used, changes are temporary. They're not sustainable. So this approach by example can help you become the change you wish to see in your significant relationships, potentially leading to positive growth in yourself, your partner, family members, friends and colleagues. If any of what I've shared today resonates with you and there are changes you want to create in yourself or you want someone in your life to change, schedule a session with me today at bookingsdrdarhawkscom. Please share this podcast with others in your life. Please share the needs quiz with them as well at needsdrdarhawkscom. Thank you so much for your time and your listening and I look forward to meeting you either in the next podcast, through a session or through the needs quiz.