Ep57 Navigating Hurt Feelings: Beyond the Bottle Up or the Blow-Up

That crushing sensation when your partner hurts your feelings can leave you frozen between two equally destructive options: swallowing your pain until it poisons you from within, or unleashing an emotional tsunami that damages everything in its path. But what if there's a third way?

Dr. Dar reveals a diplomatic approach to addressing hurt feelings that creates healing rather than more wounds. At the heart of relationship miscommunication is a critical distinction most couples miss – the difference between facts and stories. When your partner looks at their phone during your conversation, the fact is they broke eye contact for 30 seconds. Your story might be "I don't matter to them." Learning to separate these elements transforms how you handle emotional pain.

Through practical self-reflection questions and real-world examples, you'll discover how current hurts often connect to unresolved past experiences. This podcast provides a step-by-step framework for processing feelings, identifying which of your five fundamental relationship needs isn't being met, and crafting clear requests that prevent future hurt. The most surprising insight? These transformative conversations can happen in under a minute once you master the structure.

Whether you're currently nursing hurt feelings or want to prepare for inevitable future misunderstandings, this episode offers a relationship-saving approach that honors your emotions while creating deeper connection. Ready to turn relationship pain into an opportunity for growth? Take the relationship needs quiz at needsdrdarhawks.com and discover which of the five fundamental needs drives your emotional responses.

Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships.  Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships... 
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.

Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships.  Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships... 
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.

Chapters

• 0:00 Understanding Hurt Feelings in Relationships
• 5:29 Self-Coaching Questions for Processing Pain
• 9:33 Relationship Mindset Shift: Past Connections
• 13:55 Facts vs. Stories: Separating Perspectives
• 19:16 Expressing Feelings and Making Requests
• 29:17 Five Fundamental Relationship Needs

Transcript

Speaker 1: 1:01

Welcome to Episode 57 of the Better Relationships Podcast. I'm Dr Dar, your host and relationship communication coach and healer. Today I'm talking about those times when you're feeling hurt by your partner, and I'm going to cover things to do instead of bottling it up or letting it all out in one explosion. Do instead of bottling it up or letting it all out in one explosion. Feeling hurt by your partner is devastating and heart-wrenching. Instead of bottling up these hurt feelings, I invite you to address them in a diplomatic way, because that is essential for your healing and creating communication and for creating better communication and connection in your relationships. It's important to acknowledge your emotional pain and find ways to heal and let go of past hurts. Otherwise, those past hurts will create turmoil in the present as soon as a memory is activated to ignite it. By doing so, you can learn how to get past hurt feelings and strengthen your relationship. Let's explore the root of hurt feelings, along with practical strategies to navigate your emotional pain effectively and with ease. First, I'd like to talk about what hurt feelings are. To begin with, they're a natural response to perceived emotional pain ignited by the actions or words of your partner or someone you care about. They can stem from various sources, such as. I now want to emphasize the word perceived that I just stated in the meaning of what hurt feelings are. They are a natural response to perceived emotional pain ignited by the actions or words of others. That word perceived is important for you to understand. It implies that hurt feelings are subjective and can vary from person to person. What might hurt one person, what might hurt one person, may not have the same hurtful impact on another. This is because each person has their own unique background, their own experiences, their own memories and upbringing that influences their feelings. While two people can have similar feelings, how they arrived at those feelings is unique. It may also explain why your partner does not understand why your feelings are hurt, because your partner may not relate to the situation the same way you do. However, this does not diminish their impact on your emotional well-being. Recognizing and validating your own feelings is the first step towards addressing them constructively is the first step towards addressing them constructively. Understanding and accepting this can help you recognize that your partner may not have intended to hurt you.

Speaker 1: 4:33

Take a time out to process your feelings so that you can get centered, calm, understand what's occurring underneath the hurt feelings and determine your next steps, as well as whether they are helpful or not To process your feelings. Here are some self-coaching questions for you to contemplate and answer. Number one identify which fundamental relationship need is not being met right now in this situation where your feelings were hurt and with the person who hurt them. Take the five relationship needs quiz at needsdrdarhawkscom to identify your dominant need.

Speaker 1: 5:21

Number two what event from your past reminds you of this situation? What is still unresolved from that experience? How were you hurt in that situation? Who was it with? What did they say or do? How did you react? Did you follow up with the conversation about how you were hurt with them and what did they do?

Speaker 1: 5:48

Number three how is this current situation and the individual involved the same as the experience and person from your past? Number four can you let this go or is it something you think has to be addressed? If it has to be addressed, is it with the current situation in person or the past situation and person, or both? Number five what do you want to say to this person? Why? What difference will it make to you? What difference will it make to them? Is it really necessary, is it kind and will it heal you? Number six if you do have this conversation and it goes well, will you keep your hurt feelings in the past, meaning you won't bring it up again? Past meaning you won't bring it up again and also meaning that your hurt feelings have been healed.

Speaker 1: 6:55

Number seven what outcome do you want to have happen as a result of this conversation? Number eight what specific requests or asks do you have for this person and situation? Number nine what is it you want to hear them say? What will you do if they don't say what you want them to say? Number 10, what will you do should this situation occur again in the future, either with the current situation in person or some other one situation in person or some other one? Number 11, can you calmly express what transpired in the interaction factually, without raising your voice or crying? Number 12, are you able to reframe what you want to say using I statements? Number 13, what have you learned about yourself during this introspection and self-reflection?

Speaker 1: 7:51

These are an example of some of the questions that I may ask when I'm working with clients who want to heal a past relationship or situation or who are getting affected in their current relationship. I want you to know that I'm here to support you, and if you're having trouble answering these questions, I invite you to book a session with me and we'll get them answered fairly quickly, and there may be other questions that come up that are more tailored for you and your situation. You can book a session at sessiondrdarhawkscom and I look forward to meeting you soon. Now I'd like to share a relationship mindset shift. I would like you to consider this Every human being learns through experience.

Speaker 1: 8:50

If you have not experienced something, if a human being has not experienced something, then they're not going to know what that experience looks like, feels like, tastes like, smells like, etc. Like. Feels like, tastes like, smells like, etc. Now consider that feelings are tied to that experience. Therefore, it can be possible that feelings have a direct connection to something that happened to you in the past. For example, if you've never had a chocolate chip cookie, how would you know about chocolate chip cookies if you'd never seen them, tried them, tasted them, heard about them and experienced them? You wouldn't know. So you wouldn't know or have a feeling associated with what it feels like to eat a chocolate chip cookie, assuming that you like them today. Back to the feelings having a direct connection to something that happened to you like them today. Back to the feelings having a direct connection to something that happened to you in the past.

Speaker 1: 9:48

It's important to recognize that this current situation may very well have been triggered from may very well have been triggered from unresolved emotions from your past. By addressing these feelings, you can not only bring healing to yourself, but also create an opportunity for growth and understanding in your current relationship. When things show up in the present moment as hurt feelings, it is a gift. It is a gift to you and potentially a message from your body letting you know that there's some unhealed, unresolved things going on with you. So it's really important that you invest some time when you get upset or your feelings get hurt today, when you get upset or your feelings get hurt today, spend some time really digging into the questions that I shared with you, because they're an opportunity for you to heal the past and also not bring that past into your current relationship.

Speaker 1: 11:01

Think about it this way If you have not had any experience like this one before, how would you know your feelings have been hurt? To take that a bit further, how would you even know they are hurt feelings? In a fraction of a second, you made a choice to believe that there is hurt caused by your partner in what they said, did or did not do or say, and then your mind starts looking for more evidence that your feelings are hurt. I think that the mind is always looking for evidence of something so that it can be validated, so that it can be assessed and affirmed validated so that it can be assessed and affirmed. Once the choice is made to believe in the hurt feelings, it's hard not to see anything other than what is validating the hurt feelings. It can make for a very untenable situation for your partner and, consequently, you.

Speaker 1: 12:04

Your mind, hyper, focuses on what hurt you and then views daily life through the lens or filter of I'm hurt. When this happens, your interactions with your partner for a certain period of time can be lived from the filter of I'm hurt, can be lived from the filter of I'm hurt, so your partner can feel as though there is nothing they do or say that is going to be good enough for you, because your mind is looking for validation of the hurt feelings. Anything your partner says how they said it, what tone they use, what they say, what their face or body posture is doing just exacerbates your hurt feelings, because your mind is looking for validation of the hurt feelings, proof that they're valid. That's why, when you start the conversation should you choose to have it it's important to ask your partner to say something like how you feel is important to me Thank you for letting me know that I hurt your feelings. Let's process what happened together so that we can prevent this from happening again. You could also say something like that to yourself before you start your self-reflection exercise. It will take both of you talking through it to arrive at a mutual understanding. How you both perceived the situation versus the facts of the situation are three different things, the three things being the facts, your perspective, and your partner or the other person's perspective. So it would behoove both of you to identify the facts and talk through the three different perspectives. Now I want to share some examples of the facts versus the story or subjective perspective. Let's start with the facts. The facts are what happened, without each other's perspective or interpretation. I'm going to run through several examples now, or interpretation. I'm going to run through several examples now.

Speaker 1: 14:26

Your husband comes home late without calling and you feel neglected. Here are the facts. Fact number one the husband arrived. Fact number one your husband arrived at 8 pm instead of the usual 6 pm. The fact is no phone call was made and the fact is that dinner was cold. Here's another example. Here's another example.

Speaker 1: 14:51

A wife makes plans without consulting her husband. Here are the facts the wife scheduled dinner with friends on Saturday. The calendar was not checked beforehand and her husband had already planned an anniversary surprise. A husband looks at their phone during a conversation they're having with you. Here are the facts the phone buzzed during the discussion. The husband checked the message mid-sentence and eye contact was broken for 30 seconds.

Speaker 1: 15:28

A wife criticizes her husband's parenting in front of their children. Here are the facts. The wife said that's not how you should handle this. Another fact is children were present in the room and her husband was addressing the child's homework issue. The husband forgets an important date. Here are the facts the wife's birthday was not acknowledged, no card or gift was purchased and the husband went to work as usual. A wife spends money without any discussion. Fact $500. Here are the facts A $500 purchase was made, the joint account was used and no prior conversation occurred about the expense.

Speaker 1: 16:21

I hope these examples will give you enough to relate to so that going forward if you get angry, upset or your feelings are hurt, or even if you're happy or sad about a situation or an interaction, that you can sit down and write down the facts. Whenever there's an emotional upheaval of any sort, whether it's positive or not, it's really a great idea to map out and write out the facts of the situation. It will really give your mind the validation it's looking for, instead of the validation based on the story which we're going to talk about next. The second and third pieces consist of your perspective and your partner's perspective. This is the subjective story about what happened. These could be how either of you this consists of how either you or your partner, or both, sees and feels and thinks about the situation. Said in a different way, you have your story about what happened and your partner has theirs. This is the interpretation part. This is the meaning making part, where we add meaning to a situation. I hope you can see the difference between the actual fact something that both you and your partner can align on and agree on as the truth versus the story, which is the perspective you each have and how you think and feel about it. This is the subjective part, which will require you both to state the facts, agree that those are the facts and only then start sharing about what you think and feel about those facts. Here's some context and examples for you. Here are some contextual examples for you to relate to. That doesn't work either. Here are some examples for you to consider.

Speaker 1: 19:13

When you didn't call to say you'd be late, I felt abandoned and worried about your safety. I actually sat there watching our dinner get cold and felt like my effort wasn't valued. When you looked at your phone while I was sharing my feelings about work, I felt dismissed and unimportant, like whatever was on your phone mattered more than my words, or me for that matter. When you forgot my birthday, completely going about your day as usual without even a card or a happy birthday, I felt deeply hurt and insignificant, like I wasn't even worth remembering. When you challenged my parenting in front of the children during the homework discussion, I felt humiliated and undermined. It truly made me question my worth as a parent. When you surprised me with plans on Saturday, even though you didn't know I had arranged a special anniversary celebration, I felt devastated and unappreciated. All my planning and effort to make our day special felt wasted. When you made dinner plans with friends without checking with me first. I felt excluded and taken for granted, like my time and schedule really don't matter to you. When you were late coming home and didn't call, I felt anxious and powerless. I kept imagining the worst scenarios and felt helpless, not knowing where you were.

Speaker 1: 20:56

When you criticized my work decisions in front of our friends at dinner, I felt disrespected and embarrassed. It made me question whether you truly support my career choices. When you spent our savings on a new TV without discussing it with me first, I felt betrayed and unvalued, like my financial input doesn't matter in our partnership. When you interrupted me while I was telling you about my difficult day at work, I felt dismissed and unimportant, as if my experiences were not worth your attention. When you told your mother about our private argument, I felt my trust was violated. It made me feel like I can't be vulnerable and open-hearted with you without it becoming family gossip. When you made major decisions about our child's education without including me in the process, I felt sidelined and irrelevant as a father. When you compared me to your friend's husband during our disagreement, I felt inadequate and hurt, like I wasn't measuring up to your expectations. When you dismissed my concerns about our financial planning as overthinking. I felt belittled and unheard, like my worries weren't valid or important to you.

Speaker 1: 22:22

I hope those examples bring you additional insights into how to frame the conversation. If you'll notice, the sentences are really short, they're really clear and they're specific. They also mention the exact scenario or situation for context. Now let's talk about bridging the gaps. How do we align ourselves with the facts? Arguments and hurt feelings occur due to not separating the facts from the subjective interpretation and then not asking for or understanding how each person subjectively views the situation, and then one or the other person pushes the other to see it their way because the mind is looking for validation and agreement. When couples start looking at the facts, they're and reorient around the facts and then share how they feel about the facts, it can shift from arguing to focusing on what each of you needs instead. So where do you go from here? Here are the next steps. What are you both committing to do or say going forward, should this situation occur again? Because hurt feelings are stored memories and they pop up at the most inconvenient times, don't they? So here are some examples of asks you can make of each other, followed by agreement and follow through, that are related to the examples that I've already shared with you.

Speaker 1: 24:08

Could we agree to check in with each other before making social plans that might affect our time together?

Speaker 1: 24:16

Would you be willing to set aside phone? Would you be willing? Would you be willing to set aside phone-free time during our dates? Would you be willing to set aside phone-free time during our dates? Can we create a system where we both participate in decisions about our child's education? Can we agree to avoid comparisons with other couples during our disagreements?

Speaker 1: 24:49

When I share concerns about our finances, could you listen first before offering solutions? Would you be open to having a weekly check-in where we discuss important decisions together? Can we agree to pause conversations when they become heated and resume when we're both calm? Could we establish a rule about not interrupting each other during important conversations? Would you be willing to acknowledge my feelings first, even if you see things differently? Can we promise to discuss major decisions together before taking action? Could we create a signal for when one of us feels unheard or dismissed? Would you be open to setting boundaries around work-related interruptions during family time? Can we agree to validate each other's feelings, then identify the facts and align on the facts before trying to solve problems.

Speaker 1: 25:54

Could we establish dedicated quality time where we give each other our full attention, some insights and you've come away recognizing that when we share how we're feeling about a situation, after we've processed our hurt feelings and identified the facts, how quickly you can have the conversation. It is literally talking about the facts and listing them, asking if your partner sees the facts the same way and getting agreement, and then sharing a sentence about the situation and how you felt about it and how it hurt you, and then making a request. You literally can do this in one minute or less. The normal way, or the way couples and individuals usually handle hurt feelings, is they either bottle them up and don't say anything until they become so big inside them that they just explode the next time something happens or triggers it, or they just avoid it altogether, or they will just try to address it in the moment as they're processing the feelings.

Speaker 1: 27:17

Let's now talk about the needs that I mentioned. When working on bridging the gaps between the subjective perspectives each of you have and the facts of the situation, your relationship needs matter. There are five fundamental relationship needs that modern humans have and that are intricately and complexly tied to feelings, and those five fundamental relationship needs are love and belonging, freedom, fun, power, and safety and survival. I'd like to share some examples for each of the five relationship needs when your feelings are hurt. Depending on which of the five relationship needs is your dominant one, hurt feelings can look like these examples. Before I share the examples, though, to learn which of the five is your dominant need, take the quiz at needsdrdarhawkscom that's needsd-r-d-a-r-h-a-w-k-scom.

Speaker 1: 28:25

If love and belonging is your dominant relationship need, hurt feelings can look like feeling excluded when your partner makes plans without you not receiving affection or intimacy when needed or desired, being ignored or given the silent treatment or feeling disconnected during important moments. Or feeling disconnected during important moments If freedom is your dominant relationship need. Hurt feelings can look like having your choices criticized or controlled, being restricted from pursuing personal interests, feeling trapped in rigid relationship expectations and having your independence questioned. If fun is your dominant relationship need, hurt feelings can look like your partner consistently refusing to participate in activities you enjoy, feeling dismissed when sharing excitement about something being mocked for your interests or hobbies, having your playful moments rejected. If safety and survival is your dominant relationship need, hurt feelings could look like feeling emotionally unsafe to share openly and express yourself, having your basic needs dismissed or minimized, experiencing anxiety about relationship stability or being made to feel inadequate or insecure. If power is your dominant relationship need, hurt feelings could look like having your opinions consistently overruled, being excluded from important decisions, feeling powerless in conflict resolution or having your achievements diminished or ignored.

Speaker 1: 30:19

From these examples, you can better associate which fundamental relationship need is not getting met when your feelings are hurt. Learning your dominant relationship need will also help you connect the dots between your hurt feelings, the past situation and person, the facts of the current situation and how you feel about your partner, and the next steps you want to take and the next steps you want to take. Understanding your dominant relationship need can be a powerful tool in enhancing your self-awareness and improving your relationships. By identifying which fundamental relationship need is not being met, you can address it directly with your partner and work towards finding a solution that fulfills both of your needs. Additionally, recognizing your dominant relationship need can help you make more informed choices in future interactions, ensuring that you are valued and supported and that need is fulfilled. As a reminder, you can learn your dominant relationship need by taking the quiz at needsdrdarhawkscom.

Speaker 1: 31:38

Focus on your own needs and what you would like to see happen, moving forward rather than dwelling on past grievances. Keep in mind that the outcome of the conversation may not always align with your expectations, so it's essential to be prepared for that possibility. More often than not, we have this picture in our minds of how we think it should go or how we want the conversation to happen, or how we want to experience the conversation. The problem is that when we're planning for the conversation, before we go have it, we don't plan it, and when we do plan it, we're not becoming clear and conscious about what our expectations are. So when we go and have the conversation and it's not going the way you thought it would, the problem can you see it is that you didn't map out what you thought it would look like or needed to look like. But when you're in the moment and something gets activated as oh, this is not what I wanted, it sets you up for failure.

Speaker 1: 32:51

So it's really important for you to think through what are my expectations here and what happens if they're not met, and what asks do I need to make of my partner so that those expectations are met, if they're valid and still desired?

Speaker 1: 33:06

So that those expectations are met, if they're valid and still desired. Be open to asking your partner what she or he needs as well, so that you both can try to find common ground. If neither of you are able to come to a mutually satisfying agreement, regardless of the response you receive, commit to letting go of any grudges and plan to move forward with a renewed relationship mindset and be ready to face future challenges with resilience and grace, using the tools that I've shared with you today. I hope you do decide to take the needs quiz. If you do, you will receive my Relationship Communication Educational series that will go further and deeper into the five fundamental relationship needs. Thank you so much for your time and your listening, and be sure to check the new pod and be sure to check in on the next podcast, which will be part two of the hurt feelings that we've talked about here, where I'll cover emotional understanding and trauma and projection. Thank you again for your listening and I look forward to meeting you in the quiz or in the next podcast.