Ep48 How to Talk to Your Husband About Being Unhappy

💬 Show Notes

Please share your thoughts, feedback, and questions. I would love to hear from you.

In episode 48 of the Better Relationships Podcast, Dr. Dar Hawks, The Relationship Healer, delves into the sensitive topic of how to talk to your husband about being unhappy. Ignoring your unhappiness can lead to long-term issues, including emotional, physical, and mental disconnection. 

Dr. Dar emphasizes the importance of open communication and creating a safe space for both partners to express their feelings. This episode provides actionable strategies to address misunderstandings, emotional distance, and unmet needs, while fostering a supportive and empathetic dialogue.In this episode, you'll learn how to:
- Engage in self-reflection to identify the root causes of your unhappiness.
- Create a conducive environment for honest and meaningful dialogue.
- Use "I" statements to prevent defensiveness and foster understanding.
- Make specific requests and outline actionable steps for improvement.
- Seek professional help and practice patience for long-term relationship success.

Dr. Dar also shares insights on maintaining a calm tone, actively listening to your partner, and framing conversations as teamwork to transform conflicts into collaborative problem-solving. By expressing your commitment and using compassionate communication, you can pave the way for a happier, more fulfilling marriage. 
For more personalized guidance, consider scheduling a coaching session with Dr. Dar Hawks at https://huddle.drdarhawks.com. She is here to support you in navigating your relationship challenges and building a strong, lasting partnership.

Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships.  Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships... 
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.

Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships.  Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships... 
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.

Transcript

>> Dr. Dar Hawks: 1:00

Welcome to episode 48 of the Better Relationships podcast. I'm, Doctor Dar Hawkes, and today's topic is how to talk to your husband about being unhappy. Ignoring your unhappiness can lead to long term problems in your relationship with emotional, physical and mental disconnection. Open communication and creating a safe space for yourself and your partner is essential for expressing your feelings and making sure that you feel seen, heard, understood and supported, especially when you are opening up about being unhappy, the reasons for it, and what steps you'd like to take to address it couples often face challenges such as misunderstandings, emotional distance, unresolved conflicts, unmet needs and expectations, being too busy to carve out time for each other, focusing on your own careers, a lack of emotional maturity, and having these ideals in your head, these ideas and expectations, but not communicating them. When you are concerned about how to talk to your husband about being unhappy, it can create some of these challenges while also potentially making things worse in your relationship due to avoiding having this difficult conversation. Communicating your unhappiness in marriage requires emotional openness and honesty. By discussing your feelings, you might be able to work together to find solutions. But it takes doing self introspection and reflection and planning your conversation so that you're clear, unemotional, and can communicate cleanly. It starts with understanding your feelings. Engaging in self reflection is truly essential to identify the reasons why and what is contributing to your unhappiness. Taking time to understand yourself can reveal. Patterns and triggers that may not be immediately obvious to you. Consider your emotional needs in your relationship and how they may not be fully met. That can lead to feelings of dissatisfaction. As you self reflect, I also want to share with you that your happiness is your responsibility and not your part partners. Your partner can partner with you and collaborate with you and support you in. Your happiness, but they're not accountable for. You to be happy now. They might be doing some things or. Saying some things or behaving in certain ways that is contributing to your unhappiness, but it's still your, responsibility because. It is your feeling and it's your take on the relationship, and it's your feelings. It's your unhappiness or discontent. And that's why it's your accountability to. Figure this out and then figure out. What you need and want, and then. Communicate that and collaborate with your partner. To see if you can work together to create a different scenario for you. Or a different experience for you. To start your self reflection journey, I invite you to start with my relationship check in quiz to help you sort through your feelings and pinpoint specific reasons for your unhappiness. The quiz will walk you through 15 different areas in a relationship and there'll. Be statements for each area of a. Relationship that you can then self assess. It'll help you get your thoughts and feelings clear, and it'll help organize your. Thoughts and better be able to communicate how you're feeling. Recognizing your feelings is the first step before initiating a conversation with your husband. Self awareness plays a significant role in acknowledging your emotions. It will help you pinpoint the root causes of your lack of happiness. Reflect on your personal emotional needs and your personal relationship goals to gain clarity on what you desire from your partnership. Armed with this clarity, you will gain. The insights you need so that you. Can communicate clearly, cleanly, and concisely and. Openly with your partners partner. Ensuring that your conversations are grounded in understanding and empathy and prevent you or your partner from getting defensive. Using I statements when you're communicating will. Help you immensely in preventing defensive postures. This could also help in making sense of your of any conflict in your relationships and provide you with a path towards resolution instead of repetitive arguments. I also invite you to ask your partner to listen to you that you just need need them to quietly listen. And before you have the conversation, ask them. Let them know I have something I want to speak with you about. I really need you to be in a space of listening, not trying to fix it, not interrupting me, and just sitting with your full attention and listening. When would be a good time for us to have this conversation? Here are some ways to build a constructive conversation environment I had mentioned creating a safe environment earlier. Choosing the right environment is important to consider when discussing sensitive topics like marital dissatisfaction or just your own personal unhappiness. Opt for a calm and private setting where both you and your husband can feel safe to express yourselves openly. This could be during a quiet evening at home or a peaceful walk in the park. Your goal is to create an atmosphere conducive to honest and meaningful dialogue. Using I statements can significantly improve the quality of your conversation. For example, instead of saying, you never spend time with me, you might consider saying, I feel lonely when we don't. Spend time together, or I feel that we're so busy with our careers that. We'Re not making time for each other. Could we schedule time together on a regular basis and show up for each other? One more comment I'd like to make. About the example of, you never. Spend time with me when I work with couples. When I've worked with couples and they make statements like you never or you always. I ask them to give me examples. In a one week period, and I, usually. And they are surprised to. They are surprised to understand and see that it is not always and it is not never. Those two words are absolutes, and it means that it's 100% of the time. But when we unpack it and look. At the different examples together, they realize that it's not a never and it's not an always. It's just their discontent and unhappiness that's creating the space for them to feel. Like it's an absolute. Using I statements, and that approach will help you in conflict resolution strategies by focusing on your feelings instead of placing blame on your partner or the relationship, which cultivates understanding and definitely reduces defensiveness. Also, maintaining a calm tone of voice, a relaxed posture when you're communicating will go a long way. In avoiding defensiveness. Ask for your husband's perspective and actively listen to what he has to say. Questions like, how do you feel about our current situation? Or what do you think we could do differently? Can invite him into the conversation, making. It a two way street. This nurtures happiness in your marriage by ensuring both of you feel seen, heard, understood, supported, and valued. Now, it could be that the two of you don't agree on certain things. That doesn't mean that it's a problem. In your relationship when that lack of agreement occurs, it just means that you both have different approaches and different opinions. So my question for you to consider is, can you both support each other in your individual opinions and approaches without having to agree or align, or do the same? Do it the same way that your partner does. That would be the goal, is to accept your differences, which is what usually. Brings couples together to begin with, but. Then creates problems later on when we're looking for support and belonging. The key is to respect each other's. Differences, accept them, and see whether you can collaborate with them. Collaborate through your differences so that it. Doesn'T create fissures in your relationship. Staying objective is crucial for maintaining constructive conversations. Avoid judgment or attacks by sticking to factual observations about the issues that are affecting your happiness. Be sure that you're in a neutral mood, and rather than accusing him of not caring, describe specific instances that made you feel the way you're feeling. If you're feeling neglected and why they impact you. Making specific requests can also be highly effective. Once you've expressed your feelings, outline specific changes or improvements you'd like to see within the relationship. Examples could include scheduling, regular quality time together or setting aside moments each day for meaningful conversations. Clear requests help provide actionable steps that both of you can take towards making. Things better for yourself when it comes to your happiness. Also, when you're making clear requests, allow some space for negotiation. Your ask may not be palatable to your partner, but having a conversation I've, shared what my ask is, what would be workable for you? That's related to my ask, and then continue that dialogue to see if you. Can find some common ground. The next thing I want to talk. About is reiterating your commitment to your relationship and seeking professional help if needed and when needed. Expressing your commitment to your relationship is vital during these discussions. You want to start out by emphasizing that talking about your unhappiness is a step towards strengthening your relationship rather than. An indication of failure or blame, highlight the importance of having positive personal growth and that's what you're working on. It's important to do that both individually and as a couple to create a healthier relationship dynamic. Consider seeking professional help when and if necessary. Couples coaching can offer valuable insights and strategies for navigating your challenges, reinforcing your commitment to each other, and facilitating communication. And teaching you relationship building skills. A, professional perspective can facilitate more effective communication and help resolve longstanding issues with positive results. Professional coaching is about forward movement and not diving into the past problems. It truly is about the present moment and creating what future result you both. Want to have and then actively actively. Doing the things that are needed and communicating in the way that's needed in order to create those results. And that's why professional coaching is extremely. Popular as an option for relationship help. I also invite you to practice patience after having your discussions and having a positive relationship mindset. As you're looking ahead and thinking about your future. Allow yourself emotional processing time and allow your partner to do that. After your discussions is important for fully understanding each other's feelings and perspectives. You really need time to process what. Was said, how it felt, how you feel, and what you're thinking about it. And then encourage open communication by regularly checking in with each other about your thoughts and emotions. As you navigate the journey of addressing your unhappiness together, focus on setting very. Small, achievable goals to cultivate a positive path forward. Whether it's committing to weekly date nights or daily check ins. These incremental steps can lead to significant improvements over time. By creating a supportive environment for discussing. Your discontent through compassionate communication, avoiding blame, listening actively, and making specific requests, you pave the way to create teamwork and equality in your marriage and for long term happiness. Expressing your unwavering commitment, as I mentioned before in your marriage underscores that ah. Discussing your unhappiness is a step towards strengthening your marriage. This can reassure your partner and set. A positive tone for your conversation. Consider seeking professional help by working with doctor Dar Hawks who will listen to. Your inner thoughts about being unhappy. Help you sort through how and when to share with your partner. Identify what your needs and asks are and be ready and confident to have the conversation with your partner. Getting professional help shows your dedication to working on challenges and working on your. Self growth and building positive, strong relationship skills. I invite you also to use compassionate, nonviolent communication. Expressing feelings and needs without assigning blame to create a safe space for dialogue. Takes a patience and practice. Here's an example. I feel lonely when we don't spend time together. Active listening show that you value your partner's perspective by truly listening to their. Feelings and create deeper understanding. Frame the conversation and treating each other with mutual respect and equals in your marriage. Emphasize collaboration rather than pointing fingers. Reinforce that you're both working towards improving the relationship. Reinforce that you are both working towards improving your relationship. Here's another example. I want us to work together to. Find more quality time for each other. When considering marriage coaching, recognize the benefits of external help in improving communication. Professional guidance can provide new perspectives and tools for nurturing happiness in your marriage, not just for yourself, but also for your partner and for the relationship. Expressing dedication to working together on problems when they occur, instead of waiting until they become bigger and bigger. Bigger issues creates reassurance when you're having tough conversations. It shows that you're committed to the. Relationship and working on it actively as opposed to passively. Highlighting this collaborative approach will ensure that you both feel valued and understood and that you respect and trust each other. Here are some key strategies to try use nonviolent, compassionate communication express your feelings. And need without express your feelings and needs without assigning blame. This approach creates a safe space for dialogue. Practice active listening. Show that you value your partner's perspective by actively listening to their feelings. This creates a deeper understanding of each other's emotions. Frame the conversation as teamwork. Emphasize that you're both working together to improve the relationship rather than pointing fingers, this teamwork approach can transform conflict into collaborative problem solving. Use I statements reduce defensiveness by framing. Concerns with I statements such as I feel neglected when we don't spend quality time together. Instead of saying you allow time for reflection after the conversation. Understand that processing emotions can take time. For both of you, and some people need up to four weeks, believe it. or not, to process their feelings. So allow each other time and ask. How much time do you feel you. Need to process this conversation and us come back to reflect and debrief with each other and then respect each other's asks around, allowing that time. Encourage patience as well during that time. That you're waiting to reconvene. Prioritize open communication consistently so that you can create an environment where you both feel heard, seen, understood, respected, and valued. Effective communication is a skill that takes. Practice, so don't be discouraged if it. Doesn'T come naturally at first. The more you and your partner work on it together, the stronger your relationship will become. I also want you to know that you're not alone. As individuals, we've learned how to communicate. With our families, with our coworkers, with. Our managers and other relationships. But we've never been, we've never. Had the opportunity to practice communication with an intimate partner. And that is a whole different topic in and of itself. When we get into a relationship that's. Romantic, we have to learn that the. Communication skill is very different for that. Kind of relationship than that which we had with our families or at work. Or even with our friends, to be honest. And so it does take learning new. Skills to communicate in your relationship. In addition to these general tips, it's important to acknowledge that every couple is unique and what works for you may not work for another. So when you're talking to friends and family, if you're learning things online or through friends and family, just know that what they're doing or what their object or what their opinions are may not. Actually work for you and your relationship. So be open to learning for yourself and adapting these strategies to suit your. Own needs and relationship dynamics. A healthy and fulfilling marriage is built on a foundation of open and honest communication. Invest the time and effort into developing this essential relationship and communication skill to reap the rewards of a strong and lasting partnership. The clients that I work with have. Anxiety, sleepless nights, or spend time worrying about this thing that they need to talk about instead of really sitting down and planning out the conversation and getting support in forward movement. If you're in this space of thinking about a conversation and processing, I invite you to schedule a coaching session with. Me where we will talk about your. Feelings so I can hear and understand the sources of your unhappiness and disconnect discontent. Collaborate with you to understand your perspective on how your partner thinks and operates. And communicates and work with you to. Give you some coaching techniques and relationship. Building skills and map out your commute. And map out your conversation so that. When you have it, you are confident. You feel safe, you feel secure, you're. In a neutral tone, neutral mood, and you're communicating. Even if you're feeling emotional in the moment, you're still communicating in a calm, confident way. I can help you do that. Instead of trying to do this on your own and sitting there figuring it out, jump on a call with me. And let's quickly resolve this for you. You can do that by going to huddlehawks.com. That'S Huddle dot drdarhawks.com. I am here for you, and I. Look forward to connecting with you either in the huddle or in the next podcast.