Ep47 How to Save Your Marriage Alone

💬 Show Notes

Episode 47 - How to Save Your Marriage 
In this insightful episode of the Better Relationships Podcast, Dr. Dar Hawks, The Relationship Healer, explores the unconventional yet effective methods for saving your marriage independently. Contrary to popular belief, Dr. Dar shares that it is possible to transform your relationship without the active participation of your partner. Tune in to learn about self-driven strategies that can lead to better communication, personal growth, and revived romance. By focusing on these transformational steps with patience and self-awareness, you can see significant shifts in your relationship dynamics.
Chapters:
- Discover your personal motivations and lay a solid foundation for the journey ahead.
- Self-Care and Personal Growth: Learn how focusing on your well-being can positively impact your marriage.
- Individual Happiness and Its Impact: Understand how your personal joy can create a positive atmosphere at home.
- Effective Communication Strategies: Improve your connection with your partner by enhancing your communication skills.
- Staying Present During Conversations: Cultivate emotional connection by being fully engaged and empathetic.
- Nurturing Intimacy on Your Own Terms: Build emotional and physical intimacy through intentional connection and fun activities.
- Becoming a Catalyst for Change: Recognize and transform negative behavior patterns to show your partner the value of personal growth.
- Focusing on Positive Aspects: Shift your mindset to appreciate your partner's good qualities and build a more affectionate relationship.
- Navigating Ups and Downs: Develop patience and resilience to handle setbacks and stay committed to long-term goals.
- Knowing When to Seek Professional Help: Identify the right time to involve a relationship coach or therapist for additional support.

By embracing

Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships.  Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships... 
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.

Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships.  Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships... 
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.

Transcript

1:06

Welcome to episode 47 of the Better Relationships podcast. I'm Doctor Dhar, the relationship healer, and today's topic is how to save your marriage alone and proven methods that actually do work. You might think to save a marriage, both you and your partner have to work on it together if you're someone who gives credence to and pays attention to popular opinion and methods. But what if I told you that you can save your marriage on your own? Would you want to know how to do that? I believe you would. So I'll share some ways you can save your marriage without your partner doing it with you. Understanding how to save your marriage alone is not about shouldering all the responsibility and ownership for your partner, but recognizing the power of your personal transformation. This article explores self driven strategies for improving your marriage. You will discover effective methods to cultivate better communication, promote personal growth, and revive romance on your own. By focusing on these transformational steps, you can work towards saving your marriage independently and with a healthy dose of patience and observation, you'll see shifts in your relationship and your partner. I will let you know, though, that this requires a tremendous amount of self awareness. The first way is to understand the need to save your marriage. Identifying your personal motivations for preserving your relationship is your first step. This is your why. Why do you want to save your relationship? What are the reasons you want to save your marriage? Whether it's the love you still have for your partner, your commitment to shared life goals, the impact or the impact on your family, or the impact on your family, understanding why you want to save your marriage will provide you with a sense of direction and purpose. Knowing why will give you strength, courage, and patience to do your part. Reflect deeply on what initially brought you together. Knowing why will give you strength, courage, and patience to do your part. Reflect deeply on what initially brought you together and what you stand to gain by healing your relationship, common issues often lead couples to question their marriage. It could be financial stress, lack of communication and connection, emotional distance, general busyness or career focus, and not spending time on nurturing the relationship. All of this contributes to marriage struggles. Recognizing these problems helps you address them in a systematic way. By identifying your motivations and common issues, you lay a solid foundation for the subsequent steps in saving your marriage independently. There are two things I would like you to do to help you identify your why. The first one is to discover what your dominant primary relationship need is by taking the relationships needs quiz. You can do that at needs Drdarhawks. The second one is a self diagnostic assessment tool and it will go through 15 areas of relationships to help you identify what's working and what isn't working for you and will help you identify the real reasons why you want to save your marriage. You can take this assessment called. You can take this assessment at couplesquiz dot drdarhawks.com m. There are 60 statements in this quiz in this assessment for you to evaluate what areas you'd like to focus on improving your marriage, which areas you want to focus on to improve your marriage. It will help you get your mind clear and straight around what the reasons are, where you're having problems, where the struggles are, and I, to be honest, where things are going. Well. Oftentimes when I work with couples, they're so focused on the problems that they don't even have any line of sight to any of the good things that are actually present in their relationship. This assessment will help you get clear about those areas. The second way to save your marriage alone is through self care and personal growth. They really are the foundation for a healthy marriage. Believe it or not, focusing on your well being through self care plays a crucial role in saving your marriage on your own. By investing time in yourself and having quiet, solitary time to bring your mind into a calmer state, you can replenish your emotional reserves, which is essential when trying to improve your relationship with your spouse. When you are emotionally stable, grounded and content, you will be better equipped to interact with your partner with grace and patience. A third way to save your marriage alone is to, engage in activities that promote personal growth. Participating in activities actively that cultivate ongoing personal growth can significantly enhance your overall satisfaction and inner joy and by extension, that positively impacts your marriage. When you're in a better place, that energy comes out of you and impacts everybody in your home. Consider incorporating these exercises into your routine. The first one is exercise. Regular physical activity nothing first activity is exercise. Regular physical activity the first one is exercise. Regular physical activity not only improves physical health, but also boosts mental clarity, emotional clarity and reduces stress. Take on some hobbies. Pursuing interests such as painting, reading, gardening can provide a, creative outlet and a sense of accomplishment. Mindfulness practices, techniques like meditation, silent time, pilates, and yoga help center your thoughts and promote inner peace. Take on some learning opportunities. Enroll in courses or attend workshops that pique your interest. Continuous learning stimulates the mind and offers new perspectives. Consider getting my better relationships toolkit that's full of the best of my techniques used with heart centered women. Consider getting my better relationships toolkit that's full of the best of my techniques that I've used with heart centered women and their partners over the last 20 years. You can do that at toolkit dot drdarhawks.com. the fourth way to save your marriage is to look at and be aware of the impact of individual happiness on your marriage. As I've mentioned before, individual joy and happiness and lightheartedness is empoweringly is empoweringly contagious. When you are fulfilled and happy, it then creates a positive atmosphere at home. Your partner is likely to notice this change and your partner is likely to notice this change and respond more positively when you interact with them. this does not mean you are ignoring the issues in your marriage. It means that you are showing you are in control of your inner well being and how you portray yourself to others externally. And it shows that you're approachable in a more and it shows that you are approachable and in a more positive minded space. Being in that space is more attractive and more inviting than being in a critical blaming, angry, upset, frustrated or emotional space. And what I mean by that is outwardly expressing those negative emotions as opposed to being calm, being in a good space and sharing your concerns from that mood and that energetic space. This shift can pave the way for improved communication, deeper emotional connections, and ultimately a stronger marriage. Taking care of yourself should not be seen as selfish. It is an investment in the health of your relationship. By prioritizing self care and personal growth, you lay a solid foundation from which you and your partner, and consequently your marriage can thrive. The fifth way, and I go into more detail in this one, is effective communication strategies that will improve the connection with you and your partner without your partner's help. Enhancing communication skills is essential when you aim to save your marriage alone. Effective communication in your marriage can bridge gaps and cultivate deeper connections. Here are some techniques for enhancing your communication skills to start improving communication without your partner's help. Engage in active listening Engage in active listening pay close attention to what your partner says without interrupting. Show that you value their perspective. Listening means being silent. Listening means not being concerned about what you're going to say or having rebuttals to what your partner is saying. It's truly just being quiet and listening and letting them share and creating the energetic space and container where your partner is supported, seen, heard and understood by you. And that happens through active listening. It does not happen to begin with by asking them questions, criticizing them, or trying to understand or talking about how you're going to support them. Pay attention to and be in control of your non warp verbal cues. Pay attention to and be in control of your nonverbal cues. Use eye contact nodding to acknowledge and appropriate facial, expressive and appropriate facial expressions to convey empathy and understanding. If your partner is sharing with you openly and you're nodding your head but you're saying no, or your shoulders are all tensed up and your face is scrunched up, those are nonverbal cues that don't show support or that you're actively listening. They come across. They can come across as though you're being judgmental. That's what I mean by being in control of your nonverbal cues. Be relaxed. Be in the space of open listening. Another communication skill that can be challenging but is essential is to take time for you to shift your mindset from upset, anger, criticism, or blame and wait for the right timing when your partner is open and waiting for the right timing when your partner is open and approachable, but also the right timing when you are as well, goes a long way for saving your marriage alone. The worst time to interact is when either of you are in an inflamed Orlando unapproachable mood. I find that in my work over the last 20 years with couples, they tend to want to handle things immediately, as soon as they think about it or within a couple of days. What happens, though, is they create a situation where there's arguing, fighting. What happens, though, is they create a situation where there's arguing, fighting, or the situation gets unresolved because neither of them are in the approachable space to share openly, to listen closely, and to be silent while their partner is sharing. The other thing that I also notice is both partners want to share their perspective. What's important is to truly hear, see, and understand each other. And to do that, you really need to create space for your partner to just share and you not say anything other than tell me more. How can I support you with this, then at another time, by role modeling for your partner how you are listening and communicating, they will do the same for you. And if several weeks go by and they're not, you could make a, really simple request of them. And the request could be, I'm sure, honey, that you've noticed that I've been listening differently and, engaging with you in communication differently. What have you noticed? And let them share. And then say, I have a request for you when I am sharing with you. Would you do the same for me? Listen to me quietly, without distraction, and ask me when I've stopped sharing, if there's more, and how you can support me with that. Another communication technique is to have regular check ins. You can do this daily, not for more than you could do this. You could do this daily, five to ten minutes at the end of the day when you get home from work or your partner gets home from work to discuss feelings, thoughts or events. This habit keeps the lines of communication open. I definitely recommend doing this daily because it becomes a habit and a routine. And you can use this technique that I've learned in the business world called start, stop, continue. And it goes like what would you like me to start doing that I'm not doing that would be helpful to you. What would you like me to stop doing that is not helpful? And what would you like me to continue doing? You can adjust this model however way you wish, using the word start, stop, and continue. This technique will allow you to get through your day, your daily conversations, in less than five minutes. Once you become skilled in it, it also takes the pressure and the judgment and the criticism and the fighting and the arguing out of the picture. The key also is to follow up when you mention things to start, stop, or continue, or your partner does, make note of them and start actively making those shifts day to day so that you both can follow up on what you asked of each other. I also invite you to consider using my roller. I also invite you to consider using my roulette. I also invite you to consider using my relationship Vitality plan to help guide you both in these conversations. The Vitality plan is designed for you both to get together at least once a month, at least once a month or quarterly to review your relationship. I include 15 areas of concern in a relationship, with many statements that you can discuss together and see how you're doing. And you could even give each other a score to see how you're doing and then discuss how you both can improve in that area. My vitality plan is a PDF document that you can download and work together on improving your relationship. You can also look at it and work on it on your own. You can grab that at vitality dot drdarhawks.com. and remember that couples quiz that I mentioned earlier? That assessment? It is included in the Vitality plan as discussion points. I still invite you to take that quiz though. Another way to improve your marriage on your own is to understand the importance of purposeful language and open ended questions. Purposeful language can significantly impact how well or nothing you communicate. Avoid accusations instead of saying you did this or I'm sorry, you or I feel like you frame your conversations and concerns by using I statements to prevent a, defensive reaction. Here are some examples. Instead of saying, you never listen, try saying, I feel unheard and unseen when I hear you say this, or when you do this, or when I see you do this is even better. Here's an example. Ask open ended questions. I find that couples, tend to get stuck in asking closed ended questions. Closed ended questions require one wired closed ended questions require one word answers or nonverbal gestures such as was your day good? Yes or no. Open ended questions are questions that encourage more detailed conversations and responses and can invite deeper discussions. Here's an example. How do you feel about our conversation last night? Instead of did you like our conversation last night? The 6th way to save your marriage on your own is to stay present during conversations to cultivate emotional connection. I can't emphasize enough being silent, undistracted, and fully focused on your partner and making eye contact while they're in talking and you are just listening. Listening is an action, just like cooking or cleaning or writing a report, it is an action. It's not just something that you do on the side. So being present during conversations shows respect and genuine interest in what your partner has to say, and that creates and builds love, affection, and connection. M this is the most underrated skill in relationships in the world. I believe listening is extremely powerful. Way more than speaking, you can stay present by engaging in mindfulness. Focus entirely on the interaction and your partner during the conversation. Switch off all distractions and noise, like phones or television. The simple gesture of putting your cell phone in silent mode and saying, I, know you want to share. Right now I'm going to put my phone in silent mode and just out of the way, let me do that, and then I'll be ready to listen. You could even place it in a drawer or another room while you're communicating with your partner, because that shows your commitment to seeing, hearing, understanding, and supporting each other. Showing empathy. Understand your partner's emotions and reactions from their perspective. This requires careful listening, no interruptions, no reactions or, or critical facial expressions. Putting yourself in your partner's shoes will show your partner you see, hear, and understand, and support them, saying things like, I understand, I feel you. I see you when you say that. I support you in that periodically to show that you're acknowledging and validating them will help you save your marriage. Now I want to make a comment. I briefly want to touch on something. A lot of times my clients at this point will say, well, what is he going to do? What is my partner going to do? Why do I have to do it all? Well, firstly, this article is about how to save your marriage on your own. And that's why we're talking about these skills and implementing them in your daily life and you working on yourself and improving yourself and building relationship skills for yourself. Secondly, in 20 years of working with couples, I, usually end up working with one of them more frequently than the other. And I can tell you without doubt that working with that one partner has incredible impact on the other partner. I was working with one couple, and her partner is a high level executive in a large company, and I would have sessions with him maybe once a quarter, but with her, I would work with her every week, sometimes more frequently, and coach her. And about six to eight months in of her improving and working on herself, she started noticing her partner transform right in front of her eyes. He, instead of coming home and focusing on things to get done, would come in and spend some time with her. He would have more emotionally connecting conversations, he would ask more feeling based questions. He would start noticing when his daughter's or his or her feelings were hurt. Now, it wasn't that he wasn't able to do this, he just wasn't wired for it or focused on it for many years. So I can tell you without doubt that by working on yourself creates transformation in you that then emanates outwardly and it impacts the people around you. They can feel it. It's very visceral. So please don't underestimate the value of working on your own growth and development. In addition to that, when you work on yourself, you're creating, satisfaction for yourself. You're taking responsibility and control of your own happiness and not putting that responsibility on another person. Another communication technique is to have a feedback loop, summarize what your partner has said and ask for clarification if needed. Doing this ensures that you hear what your partner shared with you in the way that they intended, or gives them an opportunity to clarify if they didn't communicate in the way they attend in the way they intended. This provides validation and acknowledgement. Incorporating these strategies can greatly improve the quality of communication in your marriage, even if your partner isn't actively participating right now. I also already touched on this, but I want to say it again. By now you may be thinking, I'm the one that has to do all of this. What about my partner? My response is that being a role model. My response is that being a role model m for behaviors you want to experience from others takes time to. My response is that being a role model for behaviors you want to experience from others creates the space for them to mirror it for you. And it takes time to consistently do so that they become a habit that you are doing routinely, but also doing so and being patient for positive results and behavior shifts in your partner takes longer. Simple changes in how you listen, speak and engage will create a m more positive environment that's conducive to healing and growth. We're now at the 7th way to save your marriage on your own, and the 7th way is to nurture intimacy on your own terms. Oftentimes I see one partner or the other giving control of intimacy fully to the other partner. It's not one person's responsibility, it's both of you. It's about understanding what sex, romance and intimacy looks like for you, what you would like to have in your relationship, and then listening to what your partner says about it. And when there are differences, finding a way to accept each other's no and boundaries, and working together to collaborate to find areas that you can agree to. Creating intimacy in your marriage often starts with intentional emotional connection. My prior points on communication, when applied in your marriage, does build emotional connection. As I stated before, this will take time with consistent application. This is not something you can do for a few weeks and stop. This is not something you can do for a few weeks and then stop. It truly is an everyday and moment to moment thing. And when you catch yourself not doing these new behaviors and going into your past habits, please don't beat yourself up. Those other habits were probably, probably in place for a very long time. Instead, say, oh, I did it again. Let me do a redo and then do the new habit. It really can be that simple. And it's a very effective strategy to train and retrain your mind and your body by saying, oop, I did the old habit again. Let's do the new one. You're actually talking to your body and your mind, who reprogram it for the new habit. Also, planning fun activities and regular date nights can act as a catalyst for rekindling affection. Putting your phone away and focusing on each other as you do. These activities together shows interest, but you're also sharing in each other's interest and bringing some fun into the relationship. movie nights. Choose a movie that both of you enjoy and create a cozy environment at home where you can talk about the movie and what you've learned from it, what you liked, what you didn't like, so that you can learn about your partner and they can learn about you and how you think of things and how you approach things. Go on outdoor adventures like hikes, bike rides, or even simple picnics in the park. These are activities that take you away and outside of the home. To enjoy nature or events, it's important to do things together outside of, the home as well. Cook together, prepare a meal together, because that creates teamwork and you get to enjoy a delicious result, potentially. And if the meal doesn't taste good, use it as a learning experience and say, oh my gosh, we really didn't nail this one, did we? Let's get some takeout, or let's go out and eat and I on our next cooking together excursion or exercise, let's see what we can do to improve on this one. It really is that simple. Instead of focusing on the mistake and letting that drive you down into a negative spiral, use it as an. As a learning experience. Because when you are not doing things well and you are practicing learning a new technique, you're actually learning through the mistakes. Have game nights, play board games or card games that encourage light hearted conversation. Small gestures also can play a significant role, and small gestures can also play a significant role in maintaining emotional connection. Simple things like writing love notes, giving unexpected hugs or kisses, or surprising your partner with their favorite treat can make a substantial impact. These gestures show thoughtfulness, noticing their likes and effort. These are all vital components in nurturing intimacy and building emotional connection. In addition, when you truly listen to each other, you will hear your partner say things that they like or they want, or they have a dream or a desire. And then you can write a note about it. Or you can show support by, putting a vision board together for them. Or you can surprise them with a small gift that forwards that goal or the desire or their dream that demonstrates that you truly are listening to them. Or you can go and do something that they said they wanted to get done but didn't get to. You're showing that you're listening. So listening truly is not a passive thing. It is a very active thing. 8th way to save your relationship on your own is to become the catalyst for change in your marriage. Recognizing and reversing and transforming negative behavior patterns is a crucial step to improve your marriage. there are many relationship behaviors that I talk about in my better relationships toolkit that I mentioned earlier, but today I'm going to focus on two behaviors. Such as today I'm going to focus on two behaviors such as clinginess or isolation can put a strain on your relationship. Clinginess may lead to feelings of suffocation for your partner, while isolation, while isolation can result in emotional distance. Identifying your patterns, identifying your patterns and working to change them can go a long way in showing you how to save your marriage alone. Participating in personal activities, like I've mentioned before, that allow you both freedom to do them on your own or together is another beneficial behavior. This not only provides you with fulfillment, but also shows your partner that you value your personal growth as well as theirs. Oftentimes the clients I work with, oftentimes heart centered women are so focused on their relationship that they sometimes lose their identity in participating in their partner's hobbies, or participating in their partner's physical exercises or their professional and self development. I invite you to have your own have your own hobbies, that are activities you love, that can bring you joy and satisfaction, that make you more emotionally available. Have your own physical exercise and workouts. Sure, it's great to do that with your partner, but it also creates a dependency to do it only with your partner. Spend time on your own doing it as well, and engage in your own professional and self development. Investing time in career enhancement and self improvement can boost your self esteem and provide a sense of achievement. Also, working out on your own enhances your own physical and mental health and contributes positively to your own inner well being. By focusing on personal independence, you become a, more balanced individual which positively impacts your marriage and your partner. It will take the pressure off of them to always be concerned about you and what you're doing and your well being, and vice versa. These changes show your partner that you value yourself, which then leads to them valuing you once again. Do you see how this works? You are the role model. You become the role model with new behaviors and then at some point in time, they will start mirroring them back to you. Your commitment to personal development and demonstrating how to save your marriage alone can inspire your partner to make positive changes as well. 9th one and I feel like is one of the most important ones and the 9th way is one of the most important ones and that is focusing on the positive aspects of your relationship and of your partner. In the years I have guided and advised women and couples, I have found that when couples are focused on what is not working in their marriage, the solutions they try fail every time. Things get better in the short term, but the changes and the habits don't stick. I believe this is because the solutions were created from a problem mindset. Shifting your focus from problems to the positive traits of your partner and your relationship can significantly enhance emotional connection. By consciously choosing to see and appreciate the good qualities you create a more positive atmosphere in your marriage. But when you also come from a positive space, you can identify solutions that you may not have seen when you were in the problem focused mindset. Something else you can do also is create a gratitude list. It's an effective method to help with this shift. Start by writing down three things you appreciate about your partner and your relationship every day. You can, also put these in a note to them, or share them with them, or share them with your partner. Include specific actions or characteristics that made you feel loved, seen, heard, or supported or understood. And it's important to be very specific, because if you say you did a great job in, Because if you say you did a great job yesterday with helping me, that does not give your partner the specifics about what was helpful. Instead, say, I noticed how you listened so attentively to me the other day, yesterday. And I noticed that you made the bed in the guest room and put the sheets in the washer and the dryer in preparation for our, in preparation for our guests to come this weekend. I know I mentioned that in our conversation as a side comment that I hadn't had time to get to it yet, and I was delighted when I got home to see that you had helped with that. Thank you so much for doing that. For me, that is how to be specific and how to express gratitude. This practice doesn't only alter your perspective, but it, also cultivates a habit on focusing, but also cultivates a habit of focusing on the positive. By the way, when you say things in that way, it actually shifts the energy in your body by activating the feel good hormones and neurotransmitters. As you consistently acknowledge the positive in your partner and your relationship, you'll also find it easier to approach conflicts with empathy, patience, and even joy. Here are some examples that you could put on a gratitude list. Your partner's sense of humor that lightens stressful days. The way they support your personal goals. Small acts of kindness, like making coffee in the morning, or the way they look at you briefly and periodically to show they care about you. Or the way they step in when things are getting difficult in a conversation to support you, or if someone's being disrespectful to you, how they step in to support you. There's so many different ways that I feel we don't notice that we can be grateful for in our relationships, or we notice and we just don't say anything. By emphasizing appreciation and gratitude, you're able to create a more affectionate and resilient relationship. You're building appreciation by expressing gratitude. So what does that mean? Well, very much like money, when you invest it, it appreciates or it depreciates, right? Well, with gratitude. Gratitude is a way to express appreciation, and it builds appreciative energy in your relationship. And so it creates appreciation, very much like money. But not having gratitude depreciates very much like money. So having gratitude habits benefits you, but it also inspires reciprocal appreciation from your partner. Build gratitude and appreciation into your regular check ins with your partner. Make that a habit. Make it a daily habit. The 10th way to save your marriage alone is to navigate the ups and downs of saving your marriage. Life, unfortunately, is not just a constant, harmonious party. Right? There are things that happen that create stress. So recognize that change is a gradual process. Immediate results do happen, but for the big stuff, they're rare. Small, consistent effort leads to substantial transformation over time and change in yourself. And change in your partner takes time. Here are some key strategies here are some key strategies for creating patience and commitment for yourself. Accept that setbacks here are some key strategies for creating patience and commitment for yourself. Accept that setbacks are just part of the process. Understand that not everyone understand that not every step will lead to immediate progress. Instead of feeling discouraged by set breath, instead of feeling discouraged by setbacks, view them as opportunities to learn and grow. Make note of the positive forward make note of the forwarding or positive behavior when you see it. Write it down in a calendar or in your journal. Because when those ups and downs happen, you can remember that they don't happen 100% of your time and are not the basis for your entire relationship with your spouse. Oftentimes when I work with couples, one or the other will say, you always do this. But is that really true? Always is an all encompassing tool. Always means that I'm doing it 24 by 7365 days a year. Consequently, that term always is not true. And that's why we get very defensive when we hear the term, you always do this. There are lots of other examples of that, so check in for yourself where you're saying things like that. Because, as I said, setbacks are not 100% of your relationship. They are moments in time. And those moments in time might be fewer than your mind has convinced you they are. Another way is to stay focused on long term goals. Keep your ultimate aim in mind so that you can maintain motivation during challenging times. This ties back to the why you want to save your relationship regularly. Remind yourself why you're committed to this path in choice you can also build resilience by developing self soothing techniques such as mindfulness or journaling. Building resilience is not your partner's responsibility. It's your own for yourself and theirs for themselves. Self soothing techniques help you manage stress and stay grounded. Engage in continuous self improvement, taking on activities that promote self growth, such as reading self help books, attending workshops on relationships and communication, or hiring a professional relationship and communication coach like myself can help you build your own skill set, help you become stronger in who you are, create boundaries that are honored and respected, and help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships. Here are a few examples. Participate and create and do daily affirmations. Start your day with positive affirmative start your day with a positive affirmation about your commitment to improving your marriage. Track progress. Keep a journal to document small wins and reflect on areas that need improvement. Your tracking is for yourself, about you, not about your partner. But when you do notice things and progress from your partner, those will go in your gratitude section that we discussed earlier that I covered earlier, and then practice in mindful patience. Practicing mindfulness practicing mindfulness practicing mindfulness techniques to stay present can reduce frustration during difficult moments. Take a deep breath if you see yourself getting wound up or wanting to interrupt, and then settle back into listening and being present. The path to, saving your marriage alone, unfortunately, is filled with some ups and downs. But by staying patient and committed to the change you want to see and you want to experience, by becoming a role model, you create a solid foundation for lasting marital improvement. The 11th way to save your marriage alone is knowing when it's time to involve a third party in your marital journey. Identifying the right time to seek professional guidance can be essential in saving your marriage. Not every issue can be resolved independently. Some situations require the expertise of a relationship, communication and marriage coach like me, or even couples therapy. Oftentimes when I'm working with couples, they wait until the last m minute to hire me. By then, things are so escalated that it takes quite a bit of time to unpack everything and get things on a more harmonious plane. Engaging early and seeking professional guidance earlier will help you both build strength in your relationship before trust get broken, before respect gets broken, before the communication breakdowns create so much frustration that you both tend to avoid each other or other behaviors that are not helpful to your relationship. Here are some ways to recognize when professional help is needed. Persistent conflict if you find that arguments and disagreements are recurring without resolution, this might signal the need for a neutral third party. Emotional distance a growing emotional gap between you and your partner can benefit from m professional mediation to rebuild connection communication breakdowns this one is the biggest one and most common difficulty in conveying thoughts or feelings without getting emotionally upset, without getting angry, without interrupting, etcetera, often requires trained techniques provided by professionals. This actually is one of my superpowers. Communication how to say it, how to hear it, how to be seen, heard, understood and supported. And facilitating conversations with the with the commitment to both you and your partner and helping you save your marriage alone is my superpower. A, fourth one is when there's infidelity or betrayal or trust or respect is broken and engaging in professional help as soon as you notice it, instead of waiting to see if things are going to get better or doing things to make things better, but it's not changing. Navigating trust and respect issues stemming from infidelity or lying can be complex and may necessitate expert advice. Here are the benefits of consulting a relationship coach. Like objective perspective, a relationship coach offers an unbiased viewpoint, helping both of you see the situation more clearly. They also coaching also coaching is also about forward momentum. It's not about drilling up the past and focusing on all the behaviors that happened in the past and why they happened and what's wrong with the behaviors. And you get my point. Coaching is about the present moment and creating a result that you want to see in the future. That is what coaching is. It also isn't so much about telling you what to do, it's about guiding you to the answers from within yourself around what your needs, desires, drives, goals, ambitions and results are that you want, as opposed to a person telling you what they should be. Coaching is also about working with both of you as individuals and together. As the third entity called the relationship, coaching also provides tailored strategies that are customized to address your unique relationship needs as an individual and if needed, when needed, as a couple. It also provides skill development. Relationship coaches teach effective communication and conflict resolution skills that you can apply long term, not just in your intimate relationship, but really all your relationships. They also hold a very safe space and create an environment and container for open expression. M really skilled coaches create a safe environment where both you and your partner can express your feelings openly without fear of judgment or criticism. Coaching also focuses on solutions, unlike personal attempts that you have made previously that may have worked for a while but then didn't. A ah relationship coach guides you towards actionable solutions rather than just discussing problems and focusing on the past. And that's why coaching is a very popular option for working on a marriage or working on a relationship or even working on yourself for building relationship skills. Couples coaching serves as a valuable resource when individual efforts have been insufficient and it offers a structured support. And it offers structure, support and practical tools to create marital healing. My relationship success system is my structure for helping women like you and your partners and couples in building loving, supportive relationships. And my success system includes communication tools, interaction tools, shared interest tools, and so much more than that. I also cover relationship behaviors, why we behave the way we do and how you have choice in the matter, which is contrary to popular belief, we do have choice in how we behave. You can learn more about my relationship system in the toolkit that I mentioned earlier, or book a session with me. Let's talk and let's walk you through my relationship success system and see if you would like to work on self development and building relationship skills with me. I would love to meet you and connect with you and be of service. Finally, taking action towards healing your relationship on your own can be very empowering and inspiring. By focusing on yourself, your own self care, improving your own communication, and nurturing intimacy for yourself, you create the foundation for positive change and that puts you in control of yourself in a healthy way. Instead of deferring that responsibility to your partner or to the relationship, it also removes expectations. I believe that expectations are created in our minds where we see this ideal way of being or this ideal thing that we want from our partner. And when that ideal thing doesn't show up in the reality of our experience, that's where the upset happens. And so part of my relationship success system, well help you work with your expectations and that ideal and how to actually bring that into the real world, actually making it happen. When you embrace personal growth, when you reverse negative behaviors and emphasize the positive aspects of your partner, you will create a better relationship. I want you to embrace your personal growth and also remember that it takes a tremendous amount of patience and consistent effort. It also takes being understanding and supportive and forgiving of yourself. When you're trying to make the positive changes in yourself and the old habits sneak in, all you need to do is acknowledge, oops, I did it again or oop, there's that past behavior, we don't want you anymore. I'm doing this instead. And then do that thing so that you can reprogram your body and your mind for the new behavior. Use these tips for healing your relationship individually as a guide and take actionable steps towards being a stand for your marriage alone. Your commitment can pave the way for mutual reconciliation by being a role model. And if needed, please don't hesitate to seek professional help. I am here for you. Schedule a, discovery session with me, and let's talk. Let's see if we're a fit for each other. Thank you for listening, and I look forward to meeting you in the next podcast.