Ep46 6 Surprising Ingredients for a Successful Relationship

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In episode 46 of the Better Relationships Podcast, Dr. Dar Hawks, The Relationship Healer, unveils the six surprising ingredients for relationship success. Relationships are a beautiful blend of connection, trust, mutual respect, and growth. Dr. Dar emphasizes that understanding the key elements of a healthy relationship is crucial for creating a lasting bond that can weather any storm. By focusing on these six transformative ingredients, you can create a deeper connection with your partner and build a safer, more stable, and secure relationship.

Unselfishness is the cornerstone of generosity in a relationship. Dr. Dar explains how prioritizing your partner's needs, while also balancing your own, can profoundly grow and strengthen your relationship.

Authentic communication is the key to connection. Learn practical techniques for compassionate communication, including active listening, asking open-ended questions, and paying attention to nonverbal cues.

Trust is essential for emotional safety and dependability. Discover ways to build and maintain trust in your relationship through transparency, setting realistic expectations, and being patient and understanding.

Understanding and addressing your emotional triggers is crucial for a stronger connection. Dr. Dar provides techniques for open dialogue, empathy, and seeking professional help if needed.

Equitable discussions about resources, including time, responsibilities, and emotional support, can enhance satisfaction in your relationship. Dr. Dar shares tips for constructive conversations and regular check-ins.

Empowerment through equality is achieved by sharing equal responsibility, respect, and influence within the relationship. Explore the benefits of a co-equal partnership and practical tips for achieving it.

Join Dr. Dar as

Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships.  Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships... 
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.

Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships.  Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships... 
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.

Transcript

1:01

Welcome to episode 46 of the Better Relationships podcast. I'm Doctor Dar Hawkes, the relationship healer. And today I'm talking about the six surprising ingredients for relationship success. Relationships are really a beautiful blend of connection, trust, mutual respect, and growth. And let's face it, if we didn't have relationships in our lives, I think life would be pretty boring. Understanding the ingredients of a healthy relationship is crucial for creating a relationship that lasts. It's about more than just love. It's about building a foundation together that can weather anything that life throws in your path. By focusing on the key elements I'm going to cover in this episode, you truly can create a deeper connection with your partner and a, safer, more stable and secure relationship that lasts. Here are the six ingredients for relationship success. Number one, unselfishness. It's the heart of generosity. Number two, authentic, transparent communication. It's the key to connection. Trust. It's the cornerstone of relationship stability. Recognition and healing of triggers. Understanding and addressing your own emotional triggers. Fair resource negotiation. Having equitable discussion about resources such as chores or finances. Creating a co equal partnership creates empowerment through equality. Each ingredient plays a crucial role in the secret to a happy relationship and the keys to a successful one. Let's explore these transformative concepts together and discover how they can enhance your relationship. The first one is unselfishness, the heart of generosity. Unselfishness in your relationship often emerges as a cornerstone for those of us who want to learn and know more about the secret to a successful marriage. When you prioritize your partner's needs, it doesn't mean disregarding your own needs, but it does mean finding a balance that nurtures both of you. This act of generosity can profoundly grow and build and strengthen your relationship. Here are some examples where unselfishness can play a pivotal role in your relationship. Listening with intent. Truly listening to your partner when they share their concerns and joys without immediately steering the conversation back to yourself, is an act of unselfishness. acts of service. Simple, everyday acts like making your partner's favorite meal or taking over a chore that they don't enjoy. Or just doing something that they usually do when they're running late due to a work situation so that they see when they get home, oh my gosh, it's already done and I don't have to stress out about it and I can relax. These simple acts of service can build a healthy and successful relationship when done each week, or even a little bit every day, showing that you care and support your partner and each other and you notice each other's responsibilities and share in them emotional support, being there emotionally, not just during tough times, but all the time, even if it means setting aside your own stresses for the moment. The benefits of creating a spirit of generosity in your partnership are immense. It cultivates an environment where both of you feel valued and loved. It reduces feelings of resentment, and it creates deeper emotional connection. When you practice unselfishness, you're not just adhering to rules and guidelines for a happy relationship, you're also building a foundation based on mutual respect and care. Building mutual respect and care isn't just about doing things for your partner. It's about having healthy relationship mindsets and behaviors and practicing these six keys to creating success in your relationship. The second key is authentic, transparent communication. It truly is the key to connection. Active communication in relationships is the root and the foundation for closeness, understanding, feeling heard, and being supported. Authentic communication goes beyond just talking. It involves connecting on a deeper level, listening carefully, asking curious questions to better understand your partner, and being open and sharing your own thoughts and feelings. Here are some practical techniques for authentic, transparent communication that I call compassionate communication. Active, engaged listening engaging fully with your partner's words without planning your response while they're speaking making eye contact and ensuring that you understand what they're saying and the meaning they are trying to convey instead of your interpretation or assumption of it. This shows that you respect them and you're genuinely interested in what they have to share with you. Driven conversations ask open ended questions that invite your partner to share their thoughts and feelings. For example, how do you feel about what happened today? Or is there more about that that you'd like to share with me? Paying attention to nonverbal cues pay attention to their body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. These often speak louder than words and not interpreting or assuming that you know what these nonverbal cues mean. Instead, ask curious questions. Here's an example. I'm noticing that your shoulders are kind of tight and shrugged. Is something about this stressing you out? Or I'm noticing that you're squinting as you're sharing this. Is there a reason for that? I'm curious. There is a role for open and honest dialogue when it comes to conflict resolution. Conflict is a normal part of any relationship, but how you handle it can either bring you closer or push you apart. Open and honest dialogue will allow both of you to express your viewpoints without fear of being judged, criticized, or interrupted. Use I statements instead of blaming language. Say I feel upset when instead of you make me upset when you make breaks if your emotions are running high. Give each other space to cool down before you come back to the conversation and focus on finding solutions together rather than trying to win the argument or compete for attention. By embracing authentic, transparent and compassionate communication, couples can build a foundation of trust, respect and empathy that are essential for navigating life in a relationship. This approach not only resolves conflicts, but also deepens your emotional connection. The third key is trust. This truly is one of the base foundations of strong relationships. It's not just about believing that your partner won't cheat on you. It's about feeling safe, secure and supported in every part of your relationship and interactions with your partner. Here's why trust is so important. Emotional safety trust allows both of you to feel emotionally safe, creating an environment where openness and bearing your soul is encouraged and nurtured. It provides dependability. When you trust your partner, you can count on them to be there for you. It builds a stable base for growth in your relationship. Here are some ways to build and maintain trust in your relationship. Be transparent be open about your feelings, intentions and actions. This helps create a strong foundation of trust and you want to share both the good and bad moments. A side note about being transparent open about your feelings, intentions and actions sometimes it can be really difficult as a compassionate and generous person to be open about your feelings. You might not want to hurt your partner's feelings. You might be concerned or fearful that they're going to react negatively. Maybe they're going to get angry or they're going to get emotional. You may want to frame the conversation by saying, I want to share something with you. It's really hard for me to do this, but I really want to share my thoughts and feelings about this topic and I need you to just listen, stay calm, and just hear me out and not say anything. And then I'm going to ask you some questions that you can then answer so that we can move this conversation forward. Can you do that for me and for us? Framing the conversation is really important so that you inform your partner as to what you need from them, how you want them to listen, and what you're going to need from them as a result of this conversation, it's also important to have realistic expectations in your relationship. Oftentimes when I work with my clients, they have this expectation in their head and then it doesn't match up to what they're experiencing in reality and that creates conflict. So the first thing is really to set achievable goals. Setting unrealistic expectations can lead to massive disappointment. Instead, discuss the goal that you want to accomplish with your partner and break it down and check in with each other to see if there achievable that you both can accomplish them and have you broken them down small enough to where you can make incremental progress each day or each week or however, whatever your frequency is for working on it. Also be patient and understanding trust takes time to develop even after betrayal. Being patient and understanding will help create that trusting and safe environment. By focusing on this key strategy, you'll find that trust becomes an essential part of your relationships and your stability, leading to deeper connection and harmony between you and your partner. The fourth key is to recognize and heal your triggers. Emotional triggers are intense reactions to specific situations, events or words that often come from past experiences, past relationships, or unresolved issues. They are stored in your body as memories and then when something happens to remind you of what happened in the past, it's like this button gets pushed and you're transported to the past. And how you react in this present moment with this person that's in front of you that may not be related to that past experience. These triggers can greatly affect your relationship, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts. It's essential for you and your partner to identify and address your own triggers in order to build a stronger connection. When you both understand what bothers each other, it becomes easier to discuss those sensitive topics with kindness and awareness. Healing old wounds for yourself is important. Here are some techniques you can try. Having open dialogue create a safe space for each other to have open conversations about your own triggers without judgment. Practice empathy by putting yourself in your partner's shoes and acknowledging and validating their feelings. Coaching or therapy seek professional help if needed to guide you through the healing process. There are many ways to heal energetically and to release the stored memories in your body that don't have to take days or years to recover from. There are many alternative techniques today available through coaching or working with a relationship healer like myself. Engage in mindfulness practices together and individually to manage your emotional energy and remain present during triggering moments. Oftentimes, breathing is helpful too. When you're experiencing a trigger, remembering to take some deep breaths, letting your partner know that a memory is showing up that may cause you to react when it has nothing to do with this situation or your partner, and then letting them know to give you three to five minutes to just breathe and resolve the trigger and let it pass, or that emotional wave and let it pass for you and then get back to the conversation would be helpful by committing to this practice, you will enhance your ability to support each other, which will lead to building a more resilient and harmonious relationship. The fifth key is fair resource negotiation. This will help you build a more equal partnership and involves equitable discussions about resources. Fair resource negotiation and relationships is about more than just finances. It's a holistic approach that ensures both of you feel valued and supported in the different aspects of life. I emphasize that, equitable discussions about resources can significantly enhance satisfaction in your relationship. Fair resource negotiation means balancing different types of resources, including your time, making sure that you have quality time for yourself, your career, each other, and your family. Chunking out time is a huge effort for couples. Oftentimes I find they fill their calendars up so much that there's no spare time for anything, much less themselves. So when you are scheduling in time, make sure that there's plenty of blank space because that creates space and freedom to create in the moment for spontaneity and reduces stress. Another fair resource negotiation area is responsibilities, sharing, household chores, childcare and other duties equitably. In addition to things like finances, shopping for groceries, meal planning, household cleaning, and how you're going to get things done and whether you're going to hire them out or nothing. Those are all part of fair resource negotiation. Emotional support is another one, providing consistent emotional backing to one another during challenging times and when things are going great, knowing that you have each other's back is perhaps one of the greatest gifts you can give each other, and that creates a safe, mutual, respectful, mutually respected and supportive relationship. Here are some tips for having constructive conversations. Set clear priorities, identify what's most important to each of you, and then make a list of non negotiables for that topic and areas where you're flexible and respect each other's non negotiables. If your partner has a ah, non negotiable and you're flexible with it, sometimes you just have to accept that about each other, respect that and honor it. Communicate openly. Use active listening to understand your partner's perspective. Avoid interrupting or dismissing their concerns. Seek compromise. Find middle ground where you both can feel satisfied. Oftentimes I find couples get stuck in an argument because they're each trying to prove that their way is better or their perspective is better. At the end of the day, you both just want to find a middle ground that you both can live with. Consider professional help if your negotiations and compromise are hitting roadblocks where you're not able to move forward and it's creating a conflict loop for you that just isn't getting resolved. Have regular check ins schedule routine discussions to reassess and realign on your priorities and adapt your plans as circumstances change. Having regular check ins I advocate for five to ten minutes each day as soon as you get home from work because you can knock out everything that you need to talk about. Then have fun together and relax. Waiting to talk about things with your partner during these five to ten or even 15 minutes each day creates a regular schedule that you both can address things and not have to deal with interruptions throughout the day to address them. I find that most things that couples that I work with think are urgent and have to be addressed right away usually aren't, and they can wait till the evening. It also requires some planning on your part. If there's an event tomorrow and you are thinking about it at noon on the prior day, make sure you make a note of it to talk about it that evening so that you're not

interrupting your partner at work at 11: 20:15

00 a.m. the next day. So planning on your part is important too. Each evening, spend a few minutes thinking about what you want to talk with your partner about in that check in the next day. By approaching resource negotiation with empathy and openness, you and your partner can create a balanced partnership where you both thrive and you feel like your co equal partners, which is the next key. Coequal partnership creates empowerment through equality. A, co equal partnership is something that I've actually created and coined in relationships. It means that both partners share equal responsibility, respect and influence within the relationship. It's about creating a balanced partnership dynamic where you both feel valued and empowered, contribute to the relationships growth and well being, and each other's. Here are the key aspects of a co equal partnership. Shared decision making both of you have an equal say in decisions, whether they're urgent or important decisions, or just day to day simple decisions. It can be from financial planning, to meal planning, to parenting approaches, to making a decision to get some help with getting the house cleaned or yard work. It could be also talking about freeing up your time to do things that bring you joy and to let go of things that don't bring you joy in the relationship or for yourself. A co equal partnership also includes mutual respect. Each of your opinions, feelings and needs are acknowledged, validated, heard of, understood, supported and respected. Another key of a co equal partnership consists of balance responsibilities. Household chores, financial contributions and emotional support, for example, are divided fairly, ensuring no one feels overburdened. The balance responsibilities area is something some of my clients really struggle with, especially if you are a giving, generous and compassionate person. Doing things for others brings you joy. So there's a tendency in a relationship to take care of all your partner's needs and to predict what they're going to need and just handle it for them because you're such a giving and generous person. However, later on in the years in the relationship, this can result in feeling, like you're taken advantage of. And as responsibilities pile up, you not having time for yourself. Unconsciously, this creates resentment and bitterness and lashing out at, your partner. When I work with couples, every single time, when this conversation comes up about balanced responsibilities, the generous partner talks about all the things that they do for their partner and how they get very little help and support. The response from their partner is, I never asked you to do all those things. And it creates a look of surprise and shock for an instant. Then the giving partner says, you know what? Yes, but I did it out of the goodness of my heart. And then, the other partner will say, I really appreciate that. But to create balanced responsibilities, that requires communication and us talking, talking about who's going to do what each week, and allowing, us to do it our way and not criticizing how we do it. Here are the benefits of a co equal partnership. It enhances mutual respect where both of you feel heard, valued, and you continue to build on to respect, which is to me, one of the most important things in a relationship. Without respect, everything else tends to crumble over time. Personal growth each partner is encouraged to pursue personal goals and interests, contributing positively to their individual growth. A lot of times when I work with couples, one partner immerses themselves so much so in their relationship and their family, extended family and their children, that they don't have their own goals and interests anymore. This can create problems later on in life when the children have left to pursue their own lives or their partner is busy with their own interests and you're left at home figuring out how you're going to fill your time. There also tends to be a loss of identity, of self when putting the wholeness of who you are into the identity of your relationship and your home life. Here are some ideas on creating a co equal partnership. Some of these you've heard before. Open dialogue regularly discussing your expectations and desires for the relationship. Working on your relationship actively and regularly is important. I mentioned having regular check ins daily, five to ten to 15 minutes a day. Those are not the times to talk about your relationship and work on it. I suggest a monthly relationship check in. You can use my healthy relationship couples quiz to do that. You can go to couplesquiz dot drdarhawks.com and take that quiz, and the quiz will give you the 15 areas of relationship health and you can use that during your monthly check in to see how you're doing in each of those areas and ask each other questions about it. Ask each other what you would like to see more of and then actively work on that in the next month. Creating support mechanisms establish ways to support each other's personal and professional aspirations and regularly ask questions about how you can support each other in them. By creating and cultivating a co equal partnership, you as a couple can ensure that you both feel empowered, appreciated and motivated to nurture your relationship. This approach aligns perfectly with my philosophy on building healthy, harmonious and happy relationships through balanced dynamics in the relationship. Everything I've mentioned here is part of my relationship success system. It's a comprehensive framework that offers you as a couple a structured path to creating a healthy, happy relationship. My approach emphasizes practical tools tailored to enhance relationship skills and ensure that you both are well equipped to navigate complexities of your relationship and life as you move forward. Here are the key elements of my relationship success, self awareness and personal growth. I emphasize the importance of understanding yourself before fully engaging in a relationship and m partnership. I, provide you techniques for self reflection and personal growth. Effective communication strategies the framework will offer you actionable steps for improving communication, such as active listening exercises and ways to express your feelings constructively through compassionate communication. Trust building activities are also included. Trust is a cornerstone of any strong relationship, and it's nurtured through specific activities designed to build and maintain trust. Conflict resolution techniques I, will provide you with tools for navigating conflicts healthily and focus on empathy driven dialogue and mutual respect. I also advocate, as I've mentioned before, for the use of practical tools to bridge gaps in understanding and connection between you. I've mentioned daily check ins. They're simple, but they're powerful. Daily check ins encourage you to share your thoughts and feelings regularly. And if you want to know about my three step technique that takes five minutes or less to do for your daily check in, reach out to me, schedule a session and let's walk through my three step technique and you can do that@drdarhawks.com and click on the contact link on the far right to schedule a, ah, chat or discovery session. Or you can go ahead and schedule a coaching session where I'll give you these three techniques. They're simple and they're very highly effective. I've used it with couples for 20 years and I use it in my own relationship. You can book a session at huddle drdarhawks.com. the next one is shared goal setting. Creating common goals will strengthen your relationship so that you can align each other's aspirations. Your shared goals might be you participating in a goal that your partner wants to accomplish, or a subset of it. Or it may be that you're creating a goal together and participating in it together. I also advocate having shared interests. Maybe it's taking a class together in something that you want to learn that your partner isn't necessarily interested in because they're sharing in your interest and you doing the same for them by participating in one of their interests and then also participating in something that you both like to do together. Having a balance of these three areas of interest and participation each week will build a stronger relationship for you over time. By integrating these elements into your daily life, you can create a more harmonious relationship. I invite you to get the better relationships toolkit, which is your guide to lasting happiness together. If you're not ready for a coaching session, if you're ready to take your relationship to the next level, my better relationships toolkit will offer you practical resources from techniques that I've used over the years with couples in my savior relationship immersive service designed to help you and your partner apply the six ingredients of a healthy, happy and harmonious relationship. Whether you're working on rebuilding trust after cheating or simply want to deepen your relationship, this toolkit will provide you actionable steps for real change. Explore my better relationships toolkit today and start creating the fulfilling partnership you both deserve and want and empower your relationship with guidance of my expert insights. I also advocate for building advanced relationship skills rooted in my six ingredients for a healthy, happy and harmonious relationship. These are slightly different from what I've mentioned before with the six keys, but they're tied to each other. My first key ingredient is becoming a healthy co equal partner. As a partner, recognizing and valuing your, own contributions, but also your partner's contributions, fosters a balanced and harmonious relationship. Here are the key points of being a healthy co equal partner. It builds mutual respect through support and understanding that then forms the foundation of an equal partnership. You stepping up to be, feel and see yourself as an equal partner in your relationship is the first step. Until you do that energetically and within yourself, how you behave in your mindset in your relationship and how you communicate may not come out or be displayed or demonstrated as an equal partner, so you have to believe it and become it for yourself first. Once you do that, then you can appreciate your partner's strengths and acknowledge their contributions as well as your own, whether they're related to household chores, financial responsibilities, emotional support, or some other topic. Here's an example of a way to build co equality. If your partner excels in managing finances, trust them with budgeting decisions, but request that you participate in the budgeting decisions and have choice in the matter while you take on other tasks that you excel at. Oftentimes I find a one partner will manage all the finances and the bookkeeping, and the other one just doesn't participate at all. But they will spend money and they may save money. Budgeting and managing money requires both partners to participate and engage. But who does the bookkeeping doesn't matter. Reviewing the bookkeeping results once they're done does matter so that you both can have a conversation and actively participate in managing finances. Here's another example. One of you might handle morning routines with the kids while the other handles them in the evenings. Or maybe you both split the morning routines and you both split the evening routines so that you each get done sooner and can have quality time together after they're completed. This type of balance ensures neither if you feel overwhelmed or undervalued because you are sharing in it. Here are some practical tips around being a healthy, coequal partner. Having open dialogue regularly discuss each other's roles and responsibilities to ensure that you both feel heard and valued. You may have to make adjustments as circumstances change. I ask that you don't constantly make change every day. Changes should really be the exception and not the norm, especially if you've made agreements. Broken agreements create unstable and lack of safety, and diminish emotional support and trust in a relationship and consequently diminish respect. So make sure that you're honoring your agreements with each other and make adjustments only when absolutely necessary. Make your agreements the priority and align your life around them. When you make agreements, you can renegotiate them and make another agreement that aligns with your schedule better. When you do, you really need to honor and respect and follow through on it. Creating shared goals, which I've mentioned before. Work together on setting common goals for your future. Whether it's saving for a house, planning vacations, or raising children, having shared objectives can strengthen your relationship. I'm going to use saving for a house as an example. Oftentimes when I'm speaking with couples and working with them. Two, on one, I find that they have different definitions of what saving for a house means one partner, for example, puts away every spare penny that just is in their checking account or is in their pocketbook or is in their wallet. They immediately come home, empty their wallet and put it into a savings bucket bank, so to speak. Another person might think that if they've spent money on groceries and it came to$85.30, they will round it up to 100 and put what they didn't spend into a, savings. And they'll do that every time they spend any money. So it's really important that you regularly talk about how and what savings looks like when you're saving for a house and how that's going to work. Here's a real life example with the names changed. To protect the confidentiality of my clients, Alex and Jamie divide their household responsibilities based on their strengths and schedules. Alex handles the grocery shopping and meal prep because he enjoys cooking, but Jamie manages laundry and cleaning due to her preference and strength for organization. By playing to their strengths and acknowledging each other's efforts, they maintain a happy and balanced home environment. Creating a co equal partnership requires continuous effort, but it also leads to a happier relationship where you both feel respected and valued. The second ingredient for a happy, healthy and harmonious relationship is having a healthy relationship mindset. Having a positive mindset about your relationship is important for handling the ups and downs of your relationship. When you remain optimistic, it encourages growth instead of blame. It makes it easier to tackle issues together and plan things together, and even dialogue about shared responsibilities. Be mindful about how you talk about each other as well. Ensure you're being respectful of each other. Ensure you're being respectful of each other when talking about each other. Here are some strategies for maintaining positivity together. Focus on growth instead of pointing fingers during conflicts, and look for ways to learn and grow together. This might involve discussing what each of you can do differently next time. Celebrate small wins oftentimes I find couples are so focused on the present moment and the next day, and planning what they're going to do next, or on their to do list, or on what didn't get done and needs to get done. Instead of celebrating what they did do together and what they've accomplished during your 15 minutes each day or during your monthly relationship check in. Please include the celebration piece. It's not just about focusing on what's not working in your relationship or what your complaints are. It's about celebrating as well and acknowledging each other and validating each other. The third strategy for maintaining positivity together is to practice gratitude regularly express daily appreciation for each other's contributions to the relationship. Whether it's thanking your spouse for cooking dinner or acknowledging their support in a conversation that you had or during a tough time you're having, gratitude grows gratitude goes a long way. When I work with couples on, practicing gratitude through some exercises, I let them know that gratitude appreciates and then your relationship appreciates. And what do I mean by that? Well, appreciation in the finance world is about your money growing. It's about your assets building value. Similarly, gratitude practicing that every single day builds value. And by the way, I did mention my relationships toolkit earlier. In the toolkit, there are conversation scripts on how to have appreciation conversations. I call it the appreciation sandwich, and I invite you to grab the toolkit to learn more about that and use it every day with your partner. The third one is practicing healthy relationship behaviors. Engaging in healthy relationship behaviors is essential for a happier relationship at home. As a partner, you can contribute by promoting understanding and respect through these key actions. Active listening truly hear what your partner is saying without interrupting or planning your response. This will show that you value their perspective. I've already mentioned this one. Show your appreciation. This will build trust and reinforce mutual respect. Ask before you go and do things for your partner. Asking questions to support your partner and how you can support them is really important instead of assuming and just doing it. That often leads to upsets later on in your relationship. Because if your partner didn't ask you to do it and you do it anyway, at first it's appreciated and noticed. But if you keep doing it for years and your to do list has piled up and you're feeling overwhelmed, then it builds resentment and creates conflicts in other areas of the relationship. So asking how you can support your partner or asking, I'd love to do this for you so that you don't have to deal with it when you get home, would that be supportive for you? Would that help you? Yes, please do that for me, would you? Is a response rather than just assuming. The fourth ingredient in my relationship success system is using compassionate connecting communication. Effective communication is truly the foundation of a happy relationship and home. Clear expression coupled with empathy creates a strong foundation that builds mutual respect and understanding. Here are some strategies for compassionate conversations. Active listening show genuine interest in your partner's words. Nod, maintain eye contact, and avoid interrupting empathy. Put yourself in your partner's shoes. Acknowledge their feelings even if you don't agree with their perspective. Listening and practicing empathy does not mean you have to agree. It means you're listening to them and care about their perspective. I want to make a side note about agreeing with each other. Unfortunately, many of us have been educated and trained that agreement is the most important thing in a relationship. And so what we do is we disagree with our partner, and then we try to find ways to get them to see things our way or vice versa. And unfortunately, I have seen that time and time again when I work with couples. Agreement when your partner does not see things the way you do, or you don't see things the way they do, and then fighting to push for them to see things your way will not build a healthy relationship. Accepting how your partner thinks and feels while they accept how you think and feel is a healthier approach. And so practicing empathy and active listening and having effective communication when neither of you is seeing eye to eye requires accepting each other's points of view and then looking for ways that you can work together on that. Neither of you have to agree all the time. It's good to have commonality, for sure, but it's those areas where you disagree, where conflicts occur, and then the push to have it your way or their way then creates unresolvable arguments and issues in the relationship. Another way to experience and create compassionate communication is to express your feelings and not holding back and doing so when you're in a calm, neutral mood. Using I statements to convey your emotions without blaming or criticizing. For example, I feel hurt when or I feel hurt when instead of you make me feel. And paying attention to body language and tone of voice, which often give you more information with which you can ask questions to see what's going on for your partner instead of making assumptions about their nonverbal cues. The fifth ingredient in my relationship success system is managing your energy. Maintaining a happy relationship depends on how well you manage your emotional m energy. Being aware of your emotional state during interactions can prevent misunderstandings and reduce conflicts. This is also tied to emotional triggers that we talked about earlier. Managing your energy requires recognizing when to take breaks. It's important to notice when your emotions are running high. Take short breaks so that you both can cool down and approach the situation again with a clearer, calmer mind. And trying to find a solution when you're both charged is going to create a charged solution. When you come to it with a calm, clear mind, you're going to create solutions that are calm and clear and work for you, and are, probably more unlikely to create more problems for you than when you create a solution from a charged emotional space. Another way to manage your energy is to recharge through self care carving out significant time every day for yourself to engage in activities that replenish your emotional and mental energy, such as hobbies or exercise, or just relaxing in a hot tub or in front of the television or even reading can help you recharge. This not only benefits you, but also enhances your ability to support yourself and your partner. Another way to manage your energy is through mindful communication. Practice using compassionate communication even when you're feeling drained. This ensures that you both feel heard and valued, and especially you if you find yourself exploding or wanting to when your partner asks you a simple question that's usually not about your partner and about unresolved stress or conflict or issue that you've experienced either recently or in the past. So instead of exploding, just say, I really want to answer your question right now, but I just feel like I want to explode. Can I take a few minutes to recharge? I have not met anyone that would say no to that unless they're emotionally charged too. The 6th ingredient in my relationship success system is quality time. Spending quality time together creates a happier relationship and home. Every couple I have worked with over the last 20 years, every single one in my save your relationship immersive service dealt with one or the other partner, not prioritizing quality time for the other. Most of the time it was due to career aspirations or their career being of primary focus, or it was due to family or taking care of the children being priority and all the focus being put in one of those topics. Spending quality time together is one of the six ingredients for a healthy, harmonious and happy relationship. It involves prioritizing undistracted moments with your partner to create a strong relationship that five to 15 minutes per day can be quality time. Even if you're discussing difficult topics. Having a monthly relationship check in is another way to spend quality time together. In addition to those two activities, I also advocate for weekly dates where you are spending undivided attention with each other and doing something fun. You're not working on the relationship or talking about the relationship or talking about the kids during this time together. This is time for the two of you to get to know each other at a deeper level. Sometimes cooking together can create dialogue about various topics. Watching a movie together on a date can create a dialogue about the movie and your own lives together. Prioritizing time together and consistently setting aside time for each other without distractions will help you maintain connection and build intimacy. Enjoying quiet evenings together at home can do that as well. Pursuing hobbies or interests that I've spoken about before that, you both enjoy like hiking, painting, playing board games together, things that are fun to do together or things that initiate thinking. Like couples question card decks so that you can learn more about each other at a deeper level will strengthen your relationship and create opportunities for teamwork and mutual enjoyment. I invite you to embrace your role as a healthy, happy and harmonious co equal partner. Incorporating these six ingredients of a healthy relationship from my relationship success system enhances this foundation of a healthy relationship. Here's the summary of the six ingredients from my relationship success system. Being a healthy equal partner means contributing equally, building mutual respect through support and understanding. Having a healthy relationship mindset focuses on growth during challenges rather than blame. Building and maintaining positivity together and ensuring that you're thinking, feeling and talking about each other in a positive, respectful way and ensuring that you are managing your emotional triggers and healing them. Healthy relationship behaviors engaging in active listening, regularly showing appreciation and managing your emotional well being are all part of practicing healthy relationship behaviors. Using compassionate communication, expressing yourself clearly while being empathetic will strengthen your relationship through every compassionate conversation that you have. It builds and builds and builds and builds over time. Managing your energy, being mindful of emotional energy and taking breaks when you need them to avoid conflict. It doesn't mean that youre avoiding difficult conversations when you're taking breaks. It means that you're wanting to get into a more positive, calm, neutral place before you talk about potentially conflicting or difficult topics instead of creating unresolvable conflict, arguments and fights. The last one is quality time. Spending time together without distractions is important when you are distracted and you're spending time together. I think of couples that are out for dinner to share a meal and both of them are scrolling through their cell phones. That's not the time to do that. This is the time to look at each other and talk with each other and share about your day, share your love, share your interests, share something new that you've learned together or that you want to learn. And I've already talked about the things to do when you're spending quality time together. So do go back and listen to that as to what to talk about and what not to talk about. When you implement all of these strategies I've mentioned day to day, you do create a stronger, more connected relationship filled with love, joy, respect, trust, open communication, collaboration, freedom, playfulness, emotional security, safety, and even some adventure. But this builds over time and no matter what stage your relationship is in, whether it's currently healthy or there are some improvements to make, or you really want to save your relationship starting today with these things that I've mentioned and practicing them, taking small steps every single day can transform your relationship. If you would like support in implementing any of these strategies, I do invite you to schedule a coaching session with me today and you can do that at huddle dot drdarhawks.com. thank you so much for your listening and your engagement. Please share this podcast with, everyone in your circle that you think could benefit from it and I it. Please let me know your thoughts or questions. I look forward to seeing you in the next podcast.