Ep31 Who To Talk To About Marriage Problems?

Discover the secrets to a thriving marriage in episode 31 of the Better Relationships podcast. Dive into a heartfelt discussion on whom to confide in when your marriage hits rocky terrain. From personal anecdotes to expert advice, this episode explores the pitfalls of seeking counsel from friends and family, the transformative power of marriage coaching, and the tailored alternatives to conventional therapy. Tune in for an enlightening journey that could reshape your view on nurturing the bond you've committed to for a lifetime.

Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships.  Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships... 
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.

Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships.  Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships... 
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.

Transcript

1:00

Welcome to episode 31 of the Better Relationships podcast. Today's topic is who is a better option for you to talk about your marriage problems? It breaks my heart when I hear my clients say I don't have anyone to talk to about what's going on in my marriage. They say things like, I don't trust anyone to keep it to themselves, to not meddle or try and fix things. Or they say, I can't even talk with my spouse about it without hurting their feelings, causing a fight, being blamed for causing our problems or making them angry. My wedding day was not the happiest day in my life. Don't get me wrong, my two wedding days were lovely. I had two ceremonies, one asian indian and the other western. It truly was a celebration of our union with in front of family and friends, surrounded by love. But I would be remiss to not come clean with you and tell you that my happiest day was the day the man I was dating. Now, my husband said I would never meet anyone else more committed to me than he is. And that's what made my wedding day all the more special because that was the symbolic day when I fully committed myself to him. Given I've been married for 23 plus years, I feel that marriage is a beautiful thing, but no one mentions that it requires daily care and feeding among all the other responsibilities we have in our life. We both are also committed to supporting each other and maintaining an environment in which we each can thrive. But not all my relationships have worked towards being healthy, happy, or harmonious. And the times I was in a relationship that was riddled with either financial, legal, emotional connection, compatibility, domestic responsibilities, family interactions, attraction or respect issues, to name just a few. I did not have anyone to talk to back then, so I took a lot of classes, bought and read a lot of books, and worked through it on my own. As I look back towards those days, I see now it was a lonely approach and it took me years instead of minutes to create transformation. All that to say, when things start to feel overwhelming or difficult in your marriage, it is essential to find someone to confide in. It might not be the best decision to turn to friends and family, as they may not be well equipped to provide the unbiased guidance and advice you need. So I'm going to walk through who you should and should not talk to about your marriage problems and why. I'll also discuss the pros and benefits of marriage coaching versus couples therapy, uh, and make a case for marriage coaching as a better option. M so when you're going through rough. Patches in your marriage, it really is natural to wonder who you can talk. To about the marriage problems, and in a pinch, it's very easy to turn to close friends or family members for guidance and support. But it is essential to be ultra selective and frankly, protective about who you talk to. I recommend that you choose someone who can provide objective, honest advice without judgment and beyond advice, ask you questions to discern for yourself the answers that you're looking for. It is also crucial to consider the consequences of revealing too much information to family and friends. For example, if you tell your mother in law about your marriage issues, she could develop resentment towards you or your partner, and that creates tension and stress in the relationship. That situation is totally not desirable because retaining a steady relationship with your partner and their family is important for your sake and your marriage's sake and your partner's sake. It's also safer not to involve close friends, especially those who may take sides, either yours or your partner's side. Not only that, it can make things really awkward for them and you at events where you are there together. Remember, your marital problems are extremely personal and should not be a topic of discussion with everyone around you. I'll be talking more about friends and family. I wanted to bring it up now because it seems to be the most popular place where couples turn to first, or they don't seek help at all and suffer on their own, or think it's going to magically get better over time or dare I say, have a. Baby or get a new job. Um, something to disrupt the situation, thinking that it's going to make the relationship better. Now I'd like to talk about the benefits of marriage coaching versus couples therapy as an option for whom to turn to when facing marriage problems. When it comes to seeking professional help for your marital problems, you may think only of couples therapy or religious based counseling. However, marriage coaching is another option to seriously consider as it does not have the same stigma attached to it as therapy does. And to be honest, it is an easier option to get your partner to agree to and participate in with you. Marriage coaching focuses on providing guidance and support for couples who want to strengthen their relationship and work through any issues they may be facing. At its core, marriage coaching is about helping couples build a strong foundation for their relationship. This includes developing effective communication skills, learning how to collaborate with each other, resolving differences and conflicts in a healthy way, learning about each other's personalities, motivations and needs, and collaborating to get them filled and setting goals together for the future. A marriage coach can also provide personalized a marriage coach can also provide personalized guidance based on the specific needs and dynamics of each couple, making your experience more tailored, specific and effective. In addition, marriage coaching provides a safe and neutral space for you to discuss the issues in your relationship. Unlike therapy where one person might feel like that they're being singled out as the problem, marriage coaching focuses on the relationship and what you both can do for the sake of the relationship, the benefit of the relationship and the success of the relationship. This can help both partners feel more comfortable, become completely transparent, feel supported in sharing things that they would not normally say, and become more open to working on the issues together, but also celebrating the successes where things are working in their relationship and, um, creating a vitality plan. A relationship vitality plan that focuses on building your relationship and growing together as well as individuals. Another benefit of marriage coaching is the flexibility it offers. Sessions can be tailored to fit your busy schedule, making it easier for you to prioritize your relationship. Another benefit of marriage coaching is the flexibility it, uh, offers. Sessions are usually tailored to fit your needs and your schedule, making it easier. For you to prioritize your relationship with or without your partner. Marriage coaching combines professional expertise with a friendly and approachable tone, making it an effective tool for couples who want to strengthen their relationship. With its focus on helping couples achieve their desired goals, enhancing their emotional connection, improving communication and intimacy, addressing concerns that they might have in the moment, and creating a healthy, happy, harmonious relationship that sustains itself into your future, marriage coaching can help couples build a strong foundation for a happy and fulfilling partnership. If you're looking to improve your relationship or just want to learn how to better communicate with your partner, consider giving marriage coaching a try. It may be just what your relationship needs to thrive, and it's never too late to work on your marriage and make it better or the best it can be. Unlike couples therapy, which usually means reliving. The past over and over again to. Uncover and deal with unresolved issues, marriage coaching operates on the present and future, helping you prioritize what is important now. And work on what's going on now. Here are some possible options for seeking help and talking about your marriage problems. The first one is marriage and couples coaching. Marriage or couples coaching involves working with a professional coach who is trained in helping individuals and couples improve their relationships. This can be done through individual or joint coaching sessions where you and your partner can learn effective communication skills, problem solving techniques and strategies for building a stronger marriage. Here are the pros of marriage coaching. You'll experience improved communication, conflict resolution skills, increased emotional intimacy, faster relief and measurable results enhanced relationship satisfaction and an actionable plan to keep your relationship on the right path going forward. The cons of marriage coaching could be there's a potential for dependency and it's not suitable for more serious mental or emotional health issues. There could also be concerns around, uh, financial investment. My experience of marriage coaching and relationship coaching, when you find the right match for you is also, uh, a pro, is that it's more expeditious. You get results much faster because there is focus on the results that you want to have happen. The next option is marriage counseling or therapy. Marriage counselors and therapist professionals are trained to provide therapeutic and clinical solutions for individuals and couples struggling in their marriages. They focus on the past to help resolve the issues you're experiencing with a diagnostic approach. The pros of marriage counseling include improved communication, developing conflict resolution skills, strengthening emotional connection, and gaining new perspectives. The cons of marriage counseling include financial costs, the time commitment, a potential for unresolved issues, and I hear this one a lot, incompatibility with a therapist, as well as this issue where the therapist tells the couple that they should split up or they're taking sides, or they're bringing their own biases or belief systems to the counseling sessions. Another option is that you could talk with friends or family members. I've already talked about this a little bit, but I'm going to review it some more here. Sometimes talking to a close friend or family member can be helpful. They can offer a listening ear, support and even some valuable advice based on their own experiences. It's easy to call them because we share our lives with them. However, it's important to choose someone who will be unbiased and nonjudgmental in their approach and someone who will be able to interact with you and your partner at events without it being awkward and without watching you both with that, uh, judgmental eye. Here are the pros and cons of talking to friends and family about marriage problems. It's always good to have a support system, but discussing your marriage problems in detail or issues with your partner or about your partner with friends and family may not be the best idea. So here are the pros and cons. The good they may provide emotional support and cheer you up when you're feeling down, but you know you can receive that without going into the nitty gritty details about your relationship issues. They can also help you gain new insights into your specific situation. They could share their own experiences and insights that may be helpful. They also, and talking about your issues out loud to someone else can help you clarify and understand the problem better. Here are the cons. Your family or friends may take sides and develop resentment towards your partner. They may not have the experience, skills or knowledge necessary to help you, and sharing sensitive information with people outside your marriage may cause problems and make it an awkward situation for your partner. They also can have the tendency to get involved in your marital problems and try to help, which only leads to additional stress and tension. The fourth option can be support groups. There are so many support groups specifically for individuals going through marriage problems. They provide a venue where you can talk about the problems, and these groups can provide a sense of community and understanding, as well as the opportunity to learn from others who may be experiencing similar issues. Here are the pros of using support groups emotional support, shared experiences, different perspectives, understanding and seeing that you're not alone in this, and learning and growth. Here are the negatives or cons of using support groups. There usually is a lack of professional guidance or a focus on the individual. There is a huge potential for misinformation, especially today with so much misinformation online and offline, there could be an issue with the group dynamics that could be unhealthy. And there are privacy concerns involved as well because there is a tendency for people to share outside of the group even though they've been told to or not to, and they may have signed something stating that they wouldn't, but they do anyway. The next option is using online resources and forums. Technology is amazing, there is no doubt, and there's so many online resources and forums available now for discussing marriage problems. You can find articles, videos and forums and Facebook groups where you can connect with others and discuss your issues, sometimes anonymously. Problem with these online resources if you are not signing up with your own account and a stringent privacy policy and confidentiality agreement for those sites, it is not anonymous, even though people think it is. Here are the pros and cons. The pros of using online resources and forums include giving you access to a wide range of information and expertise, from which you can then make your own decisions and choices and sort through your thoughts and feelings. It can provide networking opportunities and collaboration, and it provides the convenience and flexibility of accessing information. Here are the cons of using online resources and forums. There can be a lack of reliability and credibility of information, requiring you to put in a lot more time of validating it. There's a lack of face to face interaction and human connection, and we as human beings really need that there's a potential for misinformation and truly very biased opinions. Here are some cautions as you use or contemplate using online resources and forums, it's important that you maintain your own critical thinking and use your own discernment. You should supplement your online resources with offline resources and make sure that there's overlap and synchronicity between them and engage in healthy online discussions in your communities. The 6th option consists of self help books. Selfhelp books can be a valuable resource for working through marriage problems. These books teach you skills. They offer guidance, advice and exercises to help improve communication, resolve conflicts and strengthen the overall relationship. It's essential to find a book that resonates with you and your specific issues, but also something your partner is willing to use without you pushing it on them. Here are the pros of using selfhelp books. They are easily accessible and affordable. They provide self empowerment and self reflection. They offer practical advice and strategies based on having worked with couples for however long years. In some cases, they focus on the common skills and strategies, common practical advice and strategies and they provide an opportunity for independent learning and growth. But the cons of using self help books include lack of personalization. There might be stories and cases that you can relate to based on your own relationship, but they also may not be. But there also may not be. There also tends to be an oversimplification of very complex issues. Selfhelp books can also leave couples and individuals with unrealistic expectations. And there also creation for the potential for self doubt and frustration is couples retreats. This is for couples looking for a more immersive experience. There are also retreats designed specifically for working on marriage problems. These retreats offer workshops, therapy or coaching sessions and activities to help couples reconnect and improve their relationship in a supportive and structured environment. Look for retreats that are led by licensed therapists or counselors or couples coaches and ensure that you and your partner aren't having issues collaborating to improve your relationship. Otherwise, you're both going to a retreat and the issues are going to present themselves where you're not working together and collaborating together to improve your relationship. Here are the pros of couples retreats. There's an opportunity for focused communication. There can be opportunity to spend time with the retreat provider, therapist, counselor or couple's coach. In addition to group settings and group learning, you can learn and implement effective relationship skills. You receive some professional guidance and support and it can provide the opportunity for an intense bonding experience. The cons of couples retreats include limited long term impact, a financial investment, a potential for discomfort and vulnerability and lack of individualized attention. I want to provide a side note here. I am not a believer or a fan or supporter for creating a situation for discomfort and vulnerability for not feeling safe. That whole notion in the therapy and um, achievement world and performance coaching, uh, world is stretch beyond your comfort zone. Things have to be uncomfortable for you to experience transformation. I for one do not believe that I feel very strongly and believe that that creates trauma and more pain and struggle and delays the benefits and results that you can get for marriage coaching. I'll get off that soapbox now and talk about the 8th option which is pastoral or religious counseling. For those of you who are deeply religious, pastoral counseling can be a helpful option for working through your marital problems. These counseling sessions are often led by clergy members and can incorporate religious beliefs into the therapy process. It's important to find a counselor who aligns with your religious values and is trained in marital counseling and that you feel safe and trust there will not be any leaks to flame gossip in your religious community. The pros of talking to pastoral counselors include religious guidance and support, shared values and beliefs, and integration of faith. Shared faith, values and beliefs I want to share a side note here because of the clients that have come to me that sought out religious or pastoral counseling, and the distinction is between religious counseling and spiritual counseling. I call this religious counseling because it's rid in religious doctrine and ideology and that religious doctrine and ideology may be in complete alignment with your religious doctrine and ideology. If it is, great, if it isn't, then it becomes a con of talking to pastoral counselors. Spirituality to me is a very personal thing and our faith weaves into our spirituality. But I find that religious counseling and spiritual counseling are two very different things because spiritual counseling is very personal and you can talk about the religious aspects of things, but spiritual counseling really is about you and less about the religious principles and ideology. From my perspective, here are the cons of talking to pastoral counselors. A lack of professional counseling, a lack of professional training, limited scope and expertise, potential for bias or judgment, and religious pressure or expectations. The 9th option, and I've covered this, uh, briefly before. The 9th option and I have covered this briefly, but I want to cover it again, is professional therapy in more serious mental or emotional health cases, it may be beneficial to seek out professional therapy from a licensed therapist or counselor. These professionals have the expertise and training to help you or your partner with mental or emotional issues. I invite you to look for therapists who specialize in marriage counseling have experience working with similar problems? Have experience in working with two people at the same time versus just one or in addition to one. They have excellent listening skills and don't make you feel unsupported or push their ideology or methodology on you. This all brings me to the question of who is best for you when you're facing marital problems and you need someone to talk to when it comes to seeking professional help for yourself and your partner, many people only think of couples therapy, but marriage coaching is another option that you could consider as it does not have the stigma that therapy does and it's an easier sell to a resistant partner. Marriage coaching focuses on helping you and your partner build a healthy foundation, deepen emotional connection and improve communication and intimacy in the now and prepare you for a future together and design that together. Unlike couples therapy, which involves usually diving into the past as an individual to uncover and deal with unresolved issues that are impacting you and your relationship, marriage coaching operates on the present and future, helping you prioritize what is important now, what isn't working now, what is working now and let's create a success plan for you and your partner. I want to talk a little bit about myself now. I am a leading relationship expert that you can turn to for guidance and support in sorting out marital problems. My approach is unique and tailored to your specific needs and I deliver my services in a confidential, nonjudgmental, unbiased, nurturing and, dare I say, loving and supportive manner. I provide personalized coaching sessions that are structured to address your specific concerns, your goals, and achieve realistic and measurable outcomes that you say you want. My coaching approach covers various aspects of relationships including communication, intimacy, emotional well being and designing a life together that creates a path for success for you. Marriage coaching is an excellent alternative to couples therapy that can help you achieve your desired goals, enhance emotional connection, improve communication and intimacy, and help you care for and nurture and feed your relationship on a daily basis with joy and ease. Furthermore, talking to a relationship expert like Dr. Hawks like me can provide invaluable guidance and support to help you work through your issues, improve your relationship and experience immediate relief with the skills that you can learn and apply on your own with your partner. But ultimately, the key to addressing marital problems is you working together with your partner to find the best resource that fits your needs and works for both of you. I truly would be honored to support you in creating a happier, healthier and harmonious relationship. Please contact me via my website@drdarhawks.com and click the contact link at the top, and I look forward to connecting with you next time.