Ep26 Perfectionism is a Gift for People Pleasers

This episode of the Better Relationships podcast with Dr. Dar is a revelation for anyone who's ever felt the pressure of perfectionism. 

Unpack the true essence of being perfect and why it's not the problem society has made it out to be. 

Dr. Dar shares personal anecdotes, historical insights, and a powerful message that will leave you feeling good about your perfectionist tendencies. 

Tune in to transform how you view perfectionism in your life and embrace your people-pleasing superpowers.

Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships.  Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships... 
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.

Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships.  Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships... 
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.

Transcript

1:00

Today I'm talking about perfectionism, and perfectionism as a gift for people pleasers. But before I do, I have an admission to make to you. This podcast took me a while to get written. I, started this on March 1, wanting to meet my deadline for producing two podcasts in March. But as I realized pushing myself for a deadline would just result in a not feel good, production and podcast. So I leaned into it, allowing what is to just be so that this podcast could be what it wanted to be. It's now April the 17th, and I still did not prepublish a podcast in March, and I'm behind in getting two podcasts published this month. And you know what? I'm good with that. I could be accused of perfectionism, in the modern, understanding of what perfectionism is. But you're going to see a very different picture of, what it really is. I could also be accused of procrastinating or not pushing myself or not getting out of my comfort zone. But you know what? I'm honoring myself and my creative process, and I'm good with that. And I invite you to do the same. You see, as people pleasers, achievement looks very different from achieving a deadline, checking a box, marking something as complete, pushing ourselves to go above and beyond to achieve something. But talking about achievement as a focus today moves me away from what I want to talk about, which is perfectionism. But maybe, just maybe, the next topic will be about achievement for people pleasers and what that looks like for us. So how exactly is perfectionism a gift for us as people pleasers? The first thing I want to do is debunk everything you and I have been taught about perfectionism and reorient ourselves to the true meaning of that word. How many times have you heard these words? There's no such thing as perfect. No one or nobody's perfect. Practice makes perfect. Life is not perfect. And then there's this one. You're perfect just the way you are. Here's a word of caution, though. What I'm about to share with you may tick you off a little bit. It may get you a little bit off balance, but just stay with me. And also know that you're in charge and you are in control, and you have the power of choice going for you. And I have to admit it. I'm disheartened by the many ways industry and materialism and corporatocracy portrays humans as broken and something to be fixed in our world as people pleasers. We don't think that way. We see beauty, and perfection, amidst the things that, in the midst of things that are considered less than perfect, we still see perfection. And fortunately or unfortunately, one of my talents is to see patterns in life and humanity. So I believe that words, as patterns, have energy that honors or hurts. And I believe that most people pleasers think that as well. Which is why we're very cautious with our words. I love sharing the history of words. Their origination, their intended original meaning, and what industry has made them mean for the purpose of profit or superiority, or to manipulate or control or to give them something to fix so that we will buy it. Think about this. As soon as we're able to crawl, we've been asked, cajoled, coerced, and conditioned to be perfect at home with doing things correctly, doing things the way our parents wanted them or school wanted them. Having those perfect grades and being perfect at work. When it comes to performance, we are socially programmed and trained to achieve. To achieve perfection. To achieve being good enough to prove ourselves as worthy and being perfect in the eyes and judgment of others. This achievement orientation happens at school with parents and, adults around us. Materialism, comparing ourselves to be the best or competitiveness, is another way perfectionism shows up. And also the ability to control through religion and culture when things aren't perfect. When I started my research on perfectionism, I was pretty disheartened by what I found, honestly. And also confused at the same time. Because I felt free. I felt warmth wash over me. The kind of warmth that being fully loved feels like, you know? And then that self love, warmth that happens. And it is my desire that now you will relax anytime you use or hear the word perfect or perfectionist or even perfectionism. I realized there's absolutely nothing wrong with perfection. And being a people pleaser. I learned that those terms were made to be bad by opportunists who saw new ways to capitalize and monetize them as disorders or problems to be fixed. Perfectionism. Perfectionist. Perfection and perfect. None of these things in and of themselves are classified mental or emotional disorders or conditions by themselves. Neither is people pleasing. Each word, by itself is just one word and a set of words. In the diagnostic and statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, also known as the DSM, that together classify disorders like codependence or addiction, obsessive compulsive disorder, narcissism, sociopathy, psychopathy. And all of these words that we're loosely using in, mainstream society today also includes other medically and psychologically classified disorders that, by the way, can only be diagnosed by professionally licensed and degreed mental professionals. Yet we see terms like this being used in the mainstream media, in the mainstream, culture, callously, if I may add, without full comprehension of what the consequences of doing so are or could be. Separating perfectionism and people pleasing out of the full description of a complex disorder is an absolute disservice to you and me. Now, let me share what I've learned about the origins of the word perfection. Guess what? The word perfectionism was invented or originated in the 14th century, and it didn't mean what it means or what we think it means today. Here's what it meant back then. Are you ready? Perfect is a verb in the 14th century, originated from the Latin of parfitten, which means from perfect. Or it came from perfect, and it meant to bring to full development, to finish or complete, so as to leave nothing wanting. Then in the early 15th century, Middle English, parfit meant flawless, also meant ideal, and also complete, full, finished, lacking in no way. And from the old french word parfit, it meant finished, completed, or it also meant ready. From the latin word perfectus, it meant completed, excellent, accomplished, and exquisite. And the past participle of perfisseri meant accomplish, finish, and complete, and then for the root of per means to set or to put. And then in the English, used as an intensive. From the notion of complete, the verb tense meant describing an action as complete. And that was all in circa 1500 as a noun in the late 14th century. And it evolved a little bit, as the word perfection to mean the state of being complete and correct in every way, and then perfect, meaning complete and correct in every way or of the best possible type or without fault or a synonym. is ideal. We can also use the synonym dream, which I often do. Then suddenly, in the early 1970s, perfectionism became a thing, and it spread faster than the pandemic that we're currently dealing with in 2021 into the mainstream culture. Authors, doctors, coaches, consultants, speakers, managers, executives, pharmaceutical, mental and emotional health practitioners, all who have the mindset of looking for problems to solve, jumped on the bandwagon and voila. Perfectionism became a human mental and emotional problem and was propagated, as something to be fixed to help certain industries do a Google, bing, or duckduckgo search on perfectionism and you'll find millions and millions of entries about how damaging perfectionism is for a human being. Marketing companies are hired to take words and create names to satisfy or to market a product to us, and it's rooted in marketing a product to us, to fix a problem. I so my question is, how many of us really do the research to follow the money or learn about the origin of the words, products or services or professions and how they became into being and why those products are created today with the help of the Internet, it really doesn't take much time to conduct research, and I love it. When I was in school and college, I remember spending countless hours in libraries. Perhaps that's why I don't enjoy libraries as much as anymore. Plus, with the advent of Kindle and ebooks, I just love carrying my small device where I go instead of carrying tons of books with me when I travel or go somewhere. Boy, my luggage is a lot lighter now. But I tell you what, I think if you were still to put me in a bookstore, I think I would still spend hours there if I could. I remember the times my parents would go shopping and my father and I would go to the bookstore while my mom would go shop. I love the new and old world smells of new books. And then soon after that coffee shop smell, that combined with the smells of print and paper and knowledge, I would still enjoy spending a few hours in a bookstore. But like I said, I'm happy being home these days with less weight in my bags because I just have to carry my ebook now. So, now I want to share a little bit of darkness with you. It's not feel good. and I think that's why it was really, hard for me or created delay in me getting this information and this podcast to you. Here's some truth talk. Here's what I found out about the current version of the DSM that I mentioned earlier, that gospel manual of Mental Disorders. And I'm going to quote from this source. It's, ABCnews. Go healthmindmoodnewsdmfirefinancialconflict m story question mark. Id equals 1590-9673 yes, I read that link out. It will also be listed in my podcast blog post at my website on drdar.com, so that you can just go there and click on it, on the resources link, but I'm including it so that you can do your own research. That's not the only source. There are many sources, but it doesn't get broadcast media attention because there's gobs of money, going towards keeping it quiet. So the DSM, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, better known as the DSM five, which is the fifth version, it's now a 900 page bible of mental health. The manual is published by the American Psychiatric association, and it details the diagnostic criteria for every psychiatric disorder, many of which have pharmaceutical treatments. The other thing that's not well known is to diagnose people or label people with any of these disorders is actually not legal unless it's done by a recognized medical or mental health professional who is licensed in the state they are in, where they practice. So when humans who don't have those credentials talk about these things, or media talks about these things as though it's general knowledge, it really is concerning. And another side note I want to mention is if mental and emotional health was such a big concern in our society, we would be focusing on it. It wouldn't be a stigma, and we would all be in more of a prevention state of being. it would be normalized, it would be included everywhere, and it wouldn't be something that's shunned. We wouldn't look at m mental and emotional health as though we're broken and we need to be fixed, and it wouldn't be looked at as a negative thing. So back to the DSM M a task force for that DSM five version was set up, and members of that task force provided the content for this version. I don't know about you, but going forward, I'm going to dig more deeply whenever I hear the words task force being used, and here's why. It's all about the money and who stands to benefit. Approximately 70% of the contributing task force members to the DSM version five reported that they had financial relationships with the pharmaceutical companies. That DSM is riddled with financial conflicts. And I think if you do your own research, you're going to notice from the 1970s to present day, there are tons of financial biases and conflicts of interest in just about every scenario that you look for with the corporatocracy. And I think we're going to be coming out of that now, and we're changing into more of a social, caring, kindness, people pleasing, if you will, quality type world. So when I say 70% of the DSM m contributing members report financial relationships, that's the percentage of only those that actually, came forward. Just think about how many are not disclosing it. It's also not new news that doctors take money from pharmaceutical companies. I mean, there's tons of information out there on that. And I will post another link for you, at the same source. I'm also quoting from that, from ABCnews. Go. Academic journals are heavily supported by advertising money and consequently are biased and complicit. It's not in the monetary benefit of pharma, medical, psychiatric or government models to have a well society. It's not in the monetary benefit for these organizations and systems to have you be well. I kind of call this the hungry, greedy beast. Consequently getting you to believe that there's something wrong with you by others who see you as different from them. Profits that beast. But there's something even more sinister happening than creating disorders for normal functioning human beings to fund large monetary industries that thrive on humans being broken creatures. Based on my research, those models were originally begun and are connected directly to believing in the creation of superiority in the human race and a mindset of problem seeking, solution oriented society. Prevention, like I said, is not profitable in the models of health that have been in existence for over 5000 years or more. So now I want to shift us back to the word perfectionism. I want to educate and inform you about the word perfectionism. I've already talked a little bit about its roots and I've already spoken about the left brained, achievement oriented cultural, religious and materialistic society has created that hailstorm of emotional and psychological issues for profit, to profit from, us as people pleasers. It's my hope that that was of benefit and that you begin to see that you are not a profit center. You are not, something broken to be fixed for the medical and psychological establishments. I come from a place of, feel good and not feel good. There are things in your life that feel good and that don't feel good. And there are aspects of yourself that may feel good and others that don't. That does not mean that you're broken. You are perfect, whole and complete as a human being. And your body is a miracle worker. If we just partner our left brain and our right brain and our bodies with each other in a holistic way, it is absolutely magical what our bodies will do. But we live in a specialist world. So we go and see a doctor for this ailment or that ailment or this ailment, but we don't see how it's all connected. There's not many practitioners that look at it holistically. Sure, when you break a hand or break an arm, you want to go to a specialist who focuses on that. But let me give you another example to consider, and your body's wisdom has the answers. I was having severe neck pain and nerve pain. I m went to see a neck and back specialist, and they wanted to operate on my neck. My body knew something was off with that. It didn't feel quite right, and I listened. My massage therapist, he's a rolfing practitioner, actually did some work on me and my shoulders and back and neck, and he isolated the issue to my shoulders. So I went and saw an orthopedic specialist for my shoulders, and it turned out that I had bone spurs tearing into a tendon that connected to my neck, and that's what was causing the issue. Could you imagine if I had gone through neck and back spine surgery, what could have happened for years? That I listen to my body. This is my example. I am inviting you to listen to your body. And this is by no means a replacement. None of this is a replacement for medical, mental health, financial health. professionals certainly seek their advice. I'm just giving you a more holistic approach based on my experience. And I will read a disclaimer at the end of this as well. Once more, I just want to remind you that you're not broken. this stuff doesn't mean that your mind, emotions, body, and spirit and soul have to be fixed and fixed according to someone else's model of what they should be. And it certainly doesn't mean that we should start labeling ourselves with words as problems. The word perfectionism has been made to be a problem when it's not. Our society trained us as people pleasers, to be achievement oriented, to be assertive, to be this, to be that, and then when we try to achieve it in order, because it's our nature to create joy and happiness and, have people be happy around us, and when we don't achieve that or we don't get that result, we're labeled as perfectionism perfectionists. And it's a problem. I'm a people pleaser, and there's nothing wrong with wanting people to be happy. There's nothing wrong with wanting to make the world a better place, and there's nothing wrong with caring about the world and humanity. There's also nothing wrong with altruism and being a giver. But because we were born into a world created by, and created for people who are not people pleasers or givers, those people in systems that thrived on authoritarianism, assertiveness, being pushy, competitive, being controlling and manipulative, those systems, we didn't fit into. We didn't fit into that mold, so they saw us as wrong. We got criticized for not being go getters, for not being competitive, for being too sensitive, for caring too much. We got criticized for being emotionally aware. We got criticized for not being, those, initiator go getters and pushing beyond our comfort zone. and at the end of the day, we're not like them. Consequently, we were made to be the problem. And then, my gosh, so many products and services started showing up to fix us. And because as people pleasers, we love working on ourselves because we want to make the world a better place, we are naturally looking internally and looking at things that we can do differently and looking for ways that we can improve upon. So those products and services and the creators of them from that competitive, assertive world created the systems for us to tap into. From a place of we're broken, then many of us work to change ourselves, to be more like them. Fast forward to today. I would say that the problem is that our world is now lacking in empathy, caring, courtesy, kindness, compassion, collaboration. And all the words, all those words that we are negotiation, finding common ground, finding mutual benefit, reciprocity. All of these words that as people pleasers, we are adept naturally and wired to do and be and teach and coach and see. Today, I feel like the world is the way it is because we as people pleasers have been shut out and out. Have been shut down and out. Consequently, all those qualities I mentioned, like caring, kindness, empathy, compassion, they're all so lacking in our world because it became a bad thing or wrong to be a giver, a people pleaser, to be kind, to be soft. Today, I wonder, what if we honored ourselves and pushed back to be a stand for empathy, for love, encouragement, support, kindness, emotional intelligence and care at home and in the workplace. What would our world look like today? It's just an if. I know. Being a people pleaser as one myself, pushing against that world was so hard. It was like a small, tiny fish trying to get somewhere in that strong current, and not getting very far. And in fact, being pushed out and backwards. This day, though, now, and going forward, the world needs both you and me to be who we are, to bring our people pleaser talents and skills into the world through our work, products and services, while also honoring and being a stand for and respecting ourselves, and not being those pushovers or doormats that we've been labeled as, which isn't true either, but we bought into it. We also are lifelong learners. As I mentioned earlier, we are self improvement focused, and we want to make ourselves in the world and the world a better place. There is nothing wrong with that. So now I want to share with you the ways perfectionism, from the original definitions, are a gift for people pleasers. The first thing is that perfection, that being complete, feeling like things are complete, that's a gift. And we're naturally adept by that. We're at that. When we're setting a table, we might make a little tweak to a place setting, and then we feel, oh, my God, that's great. No one else might notice that little tweak, but we do, and it feels good as one example to provide you with. So, number one, we want to make the world a better place. So we look for opportunities to do that. We make things better. And making things better requires looking for things to tweak to make them better. And we feel good in the process. Where the danger or caution happens is when we look for reinforcement or positive, compliments or for others in our life to notice those little tweaks, because chances are they're not. So we have to remember that we're doing it for ourselves first. And when we're in joy, instead of looking externally for that recognition, when we're enjoy, when we're making those tweaks, then the recognition comes because we're feeling good about it and we're not looking outside ourselves for it. Number two, we want people around us to be happy. And so to do that, we look for ways to create joy and support so that others can be happy and thrive. And we do that so that we thrive in the process as well. Number four, we want to have beautiful things around us that elevate our feel good vibe. And to do that, we love designing our environments, our physical space, if you will. That's why we spend time tweaking that little place setting or tucking that corner of the bed just so. We're putting feel good energy and love into everything that we do energetically. That's what we're doing when we do these things, and we go above and beyond. And those who share those spaces with, us when we're designing our environments benefit, too. The next one and the final one is we go above and beyond when doing things for others because it brings us joy. But I think that we, as people pleasers, don't really realize or haven't made the connection that when we're doing and when we're being in spaces and noticing things and tweaking and making things better, we're pouring the energy of love into those things and into those spaces. And there's nothing more powerful for transforming our world than that. And that is why we need more people pleasers in the world. So, in short, we make the world a better, happier place. And I appreciate all of that about you. And I want you to know that you are perfect, whole and complete. And I invite you. I invite you to shift your relationship with perfectionism to understanding and connecting with the joy of doing things and being whole and complete. I hope this was a benefit to you. And thank you for being here.