Ep27 Job Security, the Power of Words, and Unlearning as Healing

Discover the liberating journey of unlearning in episode 27 of the Better Relationships podcast. 

Our host delves into the profound impact of shedding societal, corporate, and personal programming. 

Listen as they share a personal story of transformation, revealing how the words 'job security' sparked an awakening. 

Uncover the path to healthy, happy, and harmonious relationships through the art of unlearning, and join the host on a quest for authentic self-discovery.

Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships.  Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships... 
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.

Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships.  Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships... 
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.

Transcript

1:00

Today, I'm talking about the power words like job security have on us and what to do about it. Recently, I received a text from a darling friend saying, hi, I'm thinking, thinking of you. I texted back, thank you. I'm working month end budgets and forecasts, which is not a whole lot of fun, but necessary for my gig as a relational project manager. I said. She texted back the words job security with a smiley face emoticon. As soon as she said those words, I noticed something vastly different was happening in me from a couple of years ago. It was strange. It was an emptiness, a void. I felt nothing. I thought nothing. I sensed nothing. I was neutral and calm. I sat there dumbfounded, trying to put words to what I was experiencing. It wasn't a feeling or a sensing or a thinking. It was a state of being. Could this be bliss? I asked myself that. Nirvana I've read and heard about. Fortunately, my dear friend is compassionate and incredible listener and ultra supportive. Because what I texted back was this. Because what I texted back was this. Those words are meaningless to me. I realized just now just how much unlearning work I have done, shedding social, corporate, generational, family, and other programming that's, frankly, not of my choosing. It hits me right now that those words, job security, were a way to manipulate guilt, shame, and control me, to keep me stuck in lack and fear. Not believing in myself and not having confidence. It's a false sense of loyalty that those words instilled in me. Those were words I had learned working in corporate, not elsewhere. I may have heard them a couple of times in university or college, but honestly, those were words I heard from managers and employees and that kind of relationship, no other kind of relationship. And then they're repeated. They were repeated through friends, even family members. But when I think about where they learned those words, it was a system kind of environment. What I realized is those words, the words job security instilled some. Those words, job security instilled subconscious fear in me. The fear of losing my job, losing money, losing the roof over my head, not having food, the fear of taking risks. Because if they go wrong, then I lose my job. Doing things that go against the norm, questioning the mindset of doing things the way they've always been done, the fear of financial scarcity, and more importantly, the fear of not being able to find another job that's better and healthier for me, where I can contribute and be of value and receive contribution and value. You see, those words, job security really instilled in me, programming in my whole body, but more importantly, my mind to think that there was nothing better out there, that the grass is green right there where I was in the not so ideal environment. It even created that security of staying, being better than leaving in relationships that were unhealthy for me. And all of that doesn't even touch the depth of the negative impact those words and other words have had on my psyche and body. I realized and shared with her that I have done so much inner and outer unlearning work, unlearning work to create healthy, happy, and harmonious relationships. And that unlearning work has had profound impacts that I don't think I fully realize or appreciate yet. And I thanked her because it takes moments like this one when she sent the words job security to me to bring my awareness to it. Most of my inner self and my life has been defined by others. Their conditions, their beliefs, their ideology, their dogma, their opinions and their relationship behaviors. How am I supposed to be? How should I be? How must I be? And of course, all the good girl stuff. I always felt I was different. But rather than put my different into the world, I just conformed. Because being the same as, everyone else was the way to survive and not become an outcast. And frankly, kept me from even worse scenarios of mental and emotional unwellness. It still didn't keep me that conforming or try to blend in didn't keep me from being discriminated against, being taken advantage of or bullied. And I wonder sometimes if I had just been me, unlearned everything so that me, the me, could show up and emerge earlier on, would things have been different? I'm not sure, because the world was different then. As a compassionate, generous, supportive, optimistic, loving, kind and caring person, it really was easy to fall into the trap of taking on other people's stuff. As a young, impressionable person, it wasn't till my 16th birthday that I began the unlearning work, and then not really until my 29th birthday. And today, 27 years later, I'm in awe and gratitude of how indirectly that the unlearning process has healed me and helped me have healthy, happy, harmonious relationships, an abounding abundance, and a life I love so very much. I m think about the traditional approaches to unlearning in the educational, medical, and frankly, some alternative health healing systems and methods. They all miss the mark for me because those systems, techniques, methods and technologies are all about learning. They're not about unlearning so they missed the mark completely because there's a significant degree of unlearning that needs to happen not just in the mind space, but also the emotional space and the whole body space. It wasn't until I started excavating beliefs, thoughts, feelings, ideas and principles and asking myself these key questions. Did I, the me, choose that belief? Is that a thought of my choosing? And where did that come from, originate from? Is that feeling of my own? Is that idea something I originated, came up with? Even if it was a conglomeration of other thoughts or readings or learnings? Is it still my idea? And do I really align with that value or that principle? Is that really, truly me or the me I should be? It wasn't until I started this excavation process that I started seeing how all the methods I had used previously, even the ones I was guided through, or even coerced through, with coaches and therapists and consultants I had hired in the past, missed the mark in a big way. I also learned that separating my mind from body also created the missed mark. I needed to reconnect mind and body because the me is not separate from my left brain, or my right brain, or my heart, or my gut, or my intuition, or my instinct, or my thinking, feeling, sensing, empathic feeling, being. I needed to listen to my mind, which, by the way, in today's vernacular means the left brain. And I added in, I needed to listen to my right brain, my whole mind. I needed to hear my heart. I needed to feel my gut. But more importantly, because my mind, m heart and gut had been programmed, conditioned, if you will, by others, through others and information and disinformation, they too caused confusion and resulted in me making decisions that created or ended up causing struggle, lack and even pain. But all of that was part of the unlearning process for me. That feeling and sensing where in my body, the thinking, the feeling, the sensing, the words that dictated my behavior were coming from, all of that was part of the learning process. These words, job security, when they were said to me, helped me realize that the wisdom within me resides in the space between my left and right breast. That sternum, that center point, is where my identity, that knowing, that certainty, that faith and clarity, and the feeling or sensation that my choices are the highest good choices, and that's where they reside. If I feel it anywhere else, then that's a message to me, to process these questions, to surface the me from that centered space. Now I bring this work to my clients and when they first get started, they are so reliant on their left brain, that their brain is driving their wisdom. It's hard at first for them to be whole body aware and hear the wisdom coming from different areas in their body. They may feel like it's their heart, or their gut, or even their head talking, but they quickly start to realize as they practice with me, that it's their left brain directing their heart or their gut or their intuition to respond. When Sheila came to me, she was in a relationship that she had been in for twelve years. She thought she was supposed to be in the relationship. She had convinced herself it was a good relationship, but it wasn't great. And she wanted to be more in control of her life, her thoughts, her feelings, herself, and be happier, not just in that relationship, but in all her relationships. She learned how much control her mind. Consequently, the programming for others had over her. She learned that her mind was doing the decision making and choosing, not her. And that's what allowed the thoughts and feelings and opinions of others to seep into her mind and then drive what was happening in her life. When Sheila experienced the difference when Sheila, experienced the difference between the going with your gut, trusting your heart, and the unquestionable knowing, that's grounded, unflappable and certain. From the space of her center, that space in the sternum, that energetic space of knowing, she screamed out loudly with joy, yeah, I'm not going to scream because it will blow your eardrums out, as it did a little bit for me. She said, this is me. I feel it. I feel the difference. She said, I feel light, I feel free and a joy that's indescribable. I said, yes. She said, I've been working so hard on myself forever with this therapist and that coach and this therapy model and that expert and reading this book and that book. But really, all that time, it was a process where I was looking for me. I just did not know that. I had no idea that unlearning was the direct path to becoming healed. And for me to excavate, to find, to connect to me, for me to emerge, it took shedding and unlearning anything and everything that's not. And really, that was everything. I had to unlearn everything so that the me could emerge from the process of everything that I had learned. So the unlearning doesn't go away. You just unlearn what came from others so that the you, the me can emerge. And then the pieces of the learning that connect with the you, the me, emerges. And I said, this is what I call unlearning. And this unlearning work is what I call relationship alchemy. In my signature work, my soul's purpose and work. What I'm here to do for myself and give to you. Relationship because it's because relationship because every bit of struggle, pain, fear, stress, sadness, or anything that is anything but joy originated from someone else. If you really spend some time thinking about it, and then it formed as a relationship in your body in the form of a thought, a feeling, a sensation, even a knowing, an opinion, even a memory. And I chose alchemy as the word because of the transformation that happens as a natural byproduct of doing the unlearning work. Unlearning is an energetic, metaphysical, intentional, purposeful and whole body appreciative awareness process. Today, I believe unlearning is the greatest gift you can give yourself going forward. Asking yourselves yourself. You can get started by asking yourself the question I ask myself every time a thought, feeling, reaction, trigger, memory or sensation comes to me. And when they come to you, you too can get started with your unlearning process. Rewind replay this podcast because I've listed those questions earlier on. And as always, please know I'm here for you. And if you want to learn more about ways that you can work with me, and to learn more about the ways you can work with me as you go through your unlearning process. And if you want to expedite it, have a quantum leap if you will, and not take the years that it took me. I'm happy to help. And you can go to drdar.com services to learn more about those ways to work with me. That's Drdar.com services and I look forward to chatting with you next time in my next podcast right now. Honestly, I have not posted in a while because I did a cross country move and that's taken a lot of my time and energy and frankly, a year of unlearning even more. But now I'll be coming to you and dropping a podcast at least once a month, maybe surprise you twice a month. So sign up for my newsletter when you do, go to drdar.com so that you can get notified when I drop a new podcast. And again, thank you so much for the gift of your listening and your time.