Ep44 How to Fix Marriage Problems

In today’s episode, Dr. Dar Hawks delves into the complexities of marriage and offers practical advice on how to fix common problems and strengthen relationships. From communication breakdowns to trust issues, Dr. Dar provides actionable strategies to help couples navigate challenges and build a solid foundation for lasting happiness. Tune in to learn about compassionate communication, rebuilding trust, reigniting intimacy, and managing conflicts effectively.

Chapters:

(00:00) Introduction

(00:30) Understanding Root Causes of Marriage Problems

(05:00) Importance of Compassionate Communication

(10:00) Rebuilding Trust and Overcoming Betrayal

(15:00) Reigniting Intimacy and Connection

(20:00) Managing Conflict and Resolving Disagreements

(25:00) Seeking Professional Help

(30:00) Cultivating Resilience in Your Marriage

(35:00) Conclusion

Sponsors:

https://toolkit.drdarhawks.com

Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships.  Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships... 
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.

Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships.  Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships... 
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.

Transcript

1:00

Welcome to episode 44 of the Better Relationships podcast. I'm Doctor Dar Hawkes, the relationship healer, and today I'm talking about how to fix marriage problems and strengthen your relationship. Marriage is a sacred bond between two individuals that requires constant and consistent effort, communication and understanding to thrive. However, even the strongest of relationships can encounter challenges along the way. In this guide, I'll explore effective strategies and techniques on how to fix marriage problems and strengthen your relationship. Whether you are facing issues with communication, trust, intimacy, or any other aspect of your partnership, this guide will provide you with the tools and insights needed to navigate through tough times and build a stronger foundation for years to come. Understanding the root causes of marriage problems is essential to effectively address and resolve them. Conflict can arise from many sources such as communication breakdowns, unresolved past traumas, differing values or expectations, or lifestyle needs, or even external stressors like job demands or ambitions, financial struggles, or even family meddling. By identifying and acknowledging the root causes of your conflict, you can begin to work towards a resolution and healing with your partner. It's important to approach conflicts in your marriage with compassion and understanding. Rather than placing blame or seeking to win an argument, focus on listening to your partner's perspective and empathizing with their feelings. Also focus on getting clear about how you feel and what you want to communicate before you share with your partner. One common cause of difficulties in a marriage is poor communication. When couples fail to effectively communicate their feelings, needs, dreams, and desires, misunderstandings can arise and that leads to conflict. It's important for both of you to actively and compassionately listen to each other, express yourselves honestly and calmly, and work together to find mutually acceptable solutions. When I work with couples, I look for things that they're both saying they want rather than focusing on what they both don't want, because that's where you can find the common ground and that's where you can find the mutually acceptable solutions. Another root cause of marriage problems can be a, lack of trust. Trust forms the foundation of any healthy relationship, and without it, doubts and insecurities can creep in, and that creates tension between you. Building trust requires honesty, transparency, consistency, and reliability. Addressing the underlying issues that may have led to the breach of trust is essential in order to restore faith in your relationship. In addition to communication and trust issues, other common root causes of marriage problems may include differences in values or goals, lifestyle variations, career ambition, parenting styles, financial stressors, intimacy issues, or outside influences such as family or friends interfering with your partnership, unresolved past traumas that impact present behavior patterns, or many other things. By taking the time to identify the core issues within your relationship, you actually can start working towards finding solutions that will strengthen the relationship with your partner and improve overall marital satisfaction. Improving communication with your partner communication is really the key in resolving conflicts, but also building a better relationship in every moment. Without communication, you don't really have a relationship. You're coexisting, but you're not communicating. So I invite you to take the time to express yourself honestly while also being open to hearing your partner's point of view. Make note of where you're aligned and where you're not so that you can have an honest conversation about bridging the gap between the two. It is possible to look at where you are in agreement to then be able to solve the areas where you're not, and you can do that together in a very amicable way. By approaching conflict resolution with love and respect for each other. With logic and rationalization, you can repair any damage that's been done and truly build a stronger foundation for your marriage. Moving forward. Seeking help from a professional therapist or couples coach can be more beneficial in addressing deep seated issues within your marriage rather than working through it on your own. A marriage or couples coach is trained as a mediator, facilitator, and in techniques to help you create healthy communication between you and your partner offer insights into patterns of behavior that could be contributing to creating the conflict. Teaching you both compassionate communication techniques and providing guidance on how to navigate challenging situations together going forward. Conflict M is a natural part of any relationship, but by working through it together with patience, compassion, understanding and love, you can really emerge stronger as partners. One of the key components to improving communication in your relationship is compassionate listening and speaking. This requires completely paying attention to what your partner is saying without interrupting or formulating a response before they finish speaking. Compassionate listening aims to hear things from your partner's perspective, not your own, and then having a dialogue to understand their perspective better without interjecting your own opinions or needs. Once that happens and your partner has confirmed they've completed what they wanted to say, compassionate speaking allows for a transition to you being able to share your thoughts with your partner. Asking if you can do that now and giving your partner the space to say not now or for them to say yes is key to a healthy dialogue. If they say yes, you can share your thoughts about what they shared with you, how you feel it impacts you and your relationship. And if there are glaring differences, ask your partner to help you find a way to get your needs met along with theirs. By showing empathy and understanding, you can create a more supportive environment where both of you feel heard and valued. Additionally, practicing open and honest, compassionate communication is essential to resolve conflicts and address issues in a healthy, expeditious manner. Avoiding passive aggressive behavior or sweeping problems under the rugged will only lead to resentment that builds over time, creating more conflict as you go forward. Another vital aspect of improving communication with your partner is being mindful of each other's nonverbal cues and body language. Oftentimes our actions, behaviors and bodies speak louder than the words do, so it's important to be aware of how you are expressing yourself through gestures, facial expressions and tone of voice. Remember that communication involves not just talking, but also actively listening and not interpreting the messages being conveyed by verbal and nonverbal means and instead checking in with your partner as to what you're observing rather than making an assumption based on your own interpretation. M effective communication is the key to resolving disagreements in any relationship, but especially in a marriage. I've already said that an important technique is compassionate, active listening, where you truly hear and understand your partner's perspective before responding. But what I haven't mentioned yet is you actually echoing what you think you heard them say to demonstrate that you did hear them and understand them and give them space to correct what you heard that may not resonate or be correct for them. This shows empathy and respect towards their feelings, which can help deescalate conflicts fairly quickly and promote mutual understanding. Another great communication technique is to use I statements instead of you or you. Always statements which truly land as blaming or accusing language, which then results in your partner being on the defensive and creating, more conflict in that moment. By expressing your own feelings and needs directly without placing blame on your partner, you create a safe place and space for open dialogue and collaborative problem solving. This approach encourages both of you to first take responsibility for your own emotions, behaviors and actions and acknowledge them for yourself, which then can lead to more productive conflict resolution. Also, set aside time specifically dedicated to discuss issues in a calm and focused manner is healthy. By creating this regular communication routine, you allow each other the opportunity to address concerns before they escalate into bigger problems. When I work with couples, nine times out of ten, they do not have a regularly scheduled meeting with their partner to talk about their relationship. So what happens is both partners end up walking on eggshells because they don't know when their partner is going to explode about something that they did or didn't do or something that's wrong in their relationship. It just happens so spontaneously and catches them off guard most of the couples I've worked with prefer to have a 15 minutes to 30 minutes once a week time where they talk about and work on their relationship together. Also, couples like to have five to 15 minutes as a debrief at the end of the day where they check in with each other, share what they did that day, share what came up, address anything that they want help with from their partner, and then after that 15 minutes, they go and enjoy doing whatever it is they do in the evenings. But having that dedicated 15 minutes to just be together, look into each other's eyes and communicate without any distractions really creates a, structure and a routine for the two of you to build a better relationship regardless of what's happening outside of your relationship. Overall, using these compassionate communication techniques can actually help repair any damage caused by prior disagreements, strengthen your connection and deepen your relationship and marriage. I invite you to get started with learning about compassionate communication techniques in my better relationships toolkit, where I walk you through what compassionate communication is and is not. Provide you with conversation scripts to practice with, included. I've included negotiation techniques, appreciation scripts, and so much more. You can get your copy of the 148 page toolkit at toolkit dot drdarhawks.com. rebuilding trust and overcoming Betrayal trust is a fundamental pillar of any successful marriage. And when it's broken, either through betrayal, broken promises, repeated lies, hiding things, or talking about your partner or relationship behind each other's back, rebuilding it can be challenging, but an essential process. The first step in overcoming betrayal and rebuilding trust is to acknowledge the hurt and the pain that's been caused. Each of you must take responsibility for your actions and your part in it and openly communicate about what went wrong from your perspective, not your partner's. In order to move forward without blaming or criticizing each other, building trust and repairing emotional damage are essential components of any healthy marriage. Trust is the foundation of a strong relationship, and without it, couples can find themselves unable to fully connect and communicate with each other. When conflicts arise, they can erode trust and cause emotional wounds that need to be healed in order for the marriage to thrive. To repair emotional damage caused by conflict, it's really important for you both to engage in open, honest and compassionate communication without getting defensive or offensive. This means listening to each other's perspectives, validating feelings, and expressing empathy towards one another. Along with gratitude and appreciation, it also involves taking responsibility for your own words and actions and, apologizing when necessary. By the way, when you do apologize, it's really important that you don't repeat the behavior that you apologized for, because that will erode trust as well. By creating an atmosphere of support and understanding, couples can begin the process of rebuilding trust and strengthening their relationship. Through patience, compassion, and a willingness to work through challenges together, couples can emerge from conflict stronger than before. By implementing these expert strategies for resolving conflict and repairing emotional damage in your marriage, you both can create a solid foundation built on trust, love, respect, and understanding. These are all qualities that are essential for long lasting happiness and sustainability in a relationship and partnership. In addition to open, compassionate communication, another key aspect of rebuilding trust is consistency in behavior and actions. It's not enough to simply apologize for past mistakes. Actions speak louder than words. Both partners must demonstrate through their everyday and every moment behaviors that they are committed to repairing the relationship and earning each other's trust back. This could involve setting boundaries, being transparent with each other, asking each other what they need in order to rebuild trust, and then following through consistently demonstrating behavior change that sticks and consistently showing love and support towards one another. With time, patience, and effort from both of you, it is possible for a marriage to heal from betrayal and emerge stronger than ever before. Trust forms the foundation of any strong partnership, and it's important to be transparent and honest with your spouse at all times. Avoiding secrets or lying, being reliable and accountable and respecting boundaries are all essential for fostering trust within your marriage. By cultivating trust through consistent communication, honesty and reliability, you can create a solid foundation that can withstand any challenges. Reigniting intimacy and connection one key aspect of fixing marriage problems and strengthening your relationship is to reignite intimacy and emotional connection. Intimacy is a crucial component of any successful marriage because it builds emotional closeness, it builds trust, and it builds an openness to share whatever's there whenever it shows up between you and your partner. To reignite intimacy in your relationship, it's important to prioritize quality time together, communicate openly and honestly about your needs, dreams, and desire, and show appreciation for each other on a regular basis. Daily is not enough to show appreciation gratitude, but that's a good start. Another effective strategy for improving intimacy and connection in your marriage is to participate in activities that promote bonding and shared experiences. This could include going on regular date nights where you're uninterrupted, participating in couples relationship skill building, taking a class together where you're learning something new together. M by making an effort to prioritize intimacy in your relationship, you can strengthen the foundation of your marriage and navigate challenges with greater resilience and understanding. Managing conflict and resolving disagreements managing conflict and resolving disagreements are essential relationship skills for a successful marriage, and it's done through communication. When conflicts arise, it's important to approach them with patience, calmness, a clear mind, a clear head, and a neutral mood. Effective, open and compassionate communication is key in finding common ground and understanding each other's viewpoints. By actively listening to your partner, understanding their perspective while also expressing your feelings honestly, then seeking compromise. You can then work together to find solutions to pretty much any disagreement. It's also essential to address issues that come up in a timely manner before they escalate into bigger and larger problems. Ignoring or avoiding conflict will only lead to resentment and distance between you. Instead of letting tension simmer beneath the surface, create a safe space for open dialogue where you both feel heard and respected. By addressing conflicts head on with maturity and respect, you can prevent misunderstandings from going into major barriers in your relationship. Also, you can avoid conflict by not analyzing and interpreting and making assumptions about what your partner said or did or didn't say or didn't do. Instead, ask them have a conversation. Because interpretations and assumptions and having expectations where they weren't communicated with each other and agreements made, those are always going to lead to conflict. In addition, seeking outside help from a marriage counselor or a marriage coach can be beneficial to navigate through complex issues with your partner. A professional can provide guidance, support and tools to help you learn new communication skills, rebuild trust, enhance intimacy, and strengthen emotional connection. Every couple faces challenges at some point in their relationship, but what matters most is how you choose to address and overcome those obstacles together as a team. As partners, seeking professional help in coaching or counseling can be a valuable resource for couples who are struggling to overcome challenges in their relationship. A trained couples relationship coach can provide an objective perspective, offer expert guidance, and facilitate open communication between you. Through coaching sessions, couples can explore underlying issues, develop effective communication strategies, and learn how to navigate conflicts in a healthy way without it escalating to a huge fight or escalating to the point where one of you walks out and slams the door shut on their way out. Relationship coaching can also help couples build trust, improve intimacy, and strengthen emotional connection. By working with a professionally trained couple's coach, partners can get insights into their own behaviors and perspectives, as well as those of their significant other. This increased self awareness can lead to greater empathy and understanding in your relationship and ultimately, seeking professional help shows that you have a commitment to personal growth and to, the health and growth of your relationship. It truly is a proactive step towards building a stronger foundation for your marriage. In addition to individual coaching sessions with each partner, marriage coaching could also involve joint sessions where you both work towards common goals. I actually love having sessions with both partners because I can see how they're communicating with each other and how their moods and their body language is communicating and could be potentially creating conflict. And so I can offer suggestions and recommendations on how to communicate differently and get the results you're looking for from your partner and getting your needs met. These sessions create opportunities for honest conversations about concerns in your relationship that may not have been fully addressed previously or that you've tried to address previously, but it just hadn't gotten resolved. The process of seeking professional help allows couples to address issues head on in a safe space while also learning new skills that promote harmony and lasting connection. Maintaining a healthy and happy marriage for the long term requires you both to prioritize learning healthy relationship skills and behaviors because frankly, none of us have been to relationship school and learned how to communicate as a couple in a compassionate, healthy way. You also need to prioritize learning compassionate communication techniques and practices and how to build mutual respect. It's essential to create a safe space where you both feel heard and understood regularly. Checking in with each other, discussing feelings openly and actively listening without judgment are also key components of effective communication in a relationship. Also, I know I've said this before, but I'm going to say it again regularly, daily, if not a few times a day. Expressing appreciation and gratitude for your partner's efforts and who they are for you can go a long way in strengthening your relationship and increasing happiness between you two. Cultivating resilience in your marriage two, cultivate resilience in your relationship with your partner. It's essential to approach conflict with patience, compassion and understanding. I know I've said it several times and I'm going to say it again. It's essential to approach conflict with patience, compassion and understanding. Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. It's called life. Things happen that create upsets and conflict, but how you navigate it can either bring you closer together or drive you further apart. By practicing compassionate, active listening, compassionate communication and empathy, you can create a safe, supportive space for both of you to express your feelings and work towards finding mutually accepting and satisfying solutions together. It's also important to remember that there is no such thing as a normal or perfect marriage. There's only your experience in your marriage and your relationship with each other and that's unique to you, so it's okay to seek help from professionals when needed. Marriage coaching can provide valuable insights and tools for resolving conflicts in a healthy way that are, customized to you and your partner and your relationship dynamics. And because they're personalized, it will help strengthen emotional connection between you both. By investing in your relationship and being willing to put in the efforts to overcome obstacles together, you can build a stronger foundation that will withstand the test of time. With dedication, patience, mutual respect, and connecting regularly to talk about your relationship and work on your relationship actively, you can navigate through challenges hand in hand and emerge even stronger on the other side as partners. By facing conflicts head on. With compassion and an open heart, you have the opportunity to not only resolve issues, but also deepen your understanding of your partner and yourself. Challenges truly can be an opportunity for growth and transformation within yourself, your partner and your marriage. So instead of avoiding it, embrace them as a chance to learn more about yourself and your partner as you build trust and intimacy along the way. Things happen in our lives that throw us off kilter. And rather than reacting from a, past memory or how we responded or reacted to it the last time something similar happened, I invite you to think of it as a new experience with your partner and think about the present moment and how you want to manage yourself and address it today. Because the past has nothing to do with what's happening today. Through mutual support, communication, patience, forgiveness, and by focusing on nurturing feelings of love, resilience and unity, you truly will be able to strengthen your relationship and create the space for challenges to be something that you look not necessarily look forward to, but challenges that you just approach, observe, talk about together and figure out how you each want to manage it and jump over them, with ease. And all the while you'll be building a better and stronger relationship and deepening your partnership. I hope this has been helpful to you. I look forward to meeting you when you get your better relationships toolkit and you can do that at Toolkit dot drdarhawks.com.