Receiving Compliments, Support, and Help as a Giver

Are you always the one giving and never on the receiving end? 

Dr. Dar delves into the challenges of being a consummate giver and the enlightening path to becoming an open and joyful receiver. 

In this episode, she shares her personal revelations and the surprising etymology of 'receive' that helped her unlock a life where giving and receiving are in perfect harmony. 

Listen to episode 21 to transform your ability to receive and enhance your feelgood superpower.

Transcript

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Today I'm talking about my process and how I arrived at how to receive. When you are a consummate giver and people pleaser, as a woman who receives by giving, serving, and helping. And dare I admit it, a people pleaser. I am owning that because there's a lot of great qualities that are much needed in the world and in our communities and in our homes and friendships, around being a people pleaser. I'm now known as a diplomat, an advocate, a coach, facilitator, and mediator. All of those are also words for being a people pleaser. Crazy, right? But I digress. Giving was the way for receiving. For me, it always felt really good to give, to do something for others to be helpful. I had thought that I received through giving, that when I would give, it would feel good, and that was receiving. The ways I would give would include meaningful gifts. I put a lot of thought into gifts for people and even into the cards I chose for them, spending a lot of time and energy on finding just the right, perfect one for this person that it was intended for going to events that I didn't enjoy but would go in order to be with those I care about, or because it would really make that person happy and it was something they thoroughly enjoyed. Dropping everything in my life to be there for family and friends, and boy, would that show. My own kitchen would have dishes piled up and laundry piled up in my bedroom or laundry room. But if a friend or family member called, I would immediately go be with them, help them clean their house, help them get organized, clean up the kitchen. After a dinner party, you get the drill, right? And, then there was saying yes to a date, even though there were some clear signs that that was not the ideal person for me to go out with in that moment, for my well being or for me to thrive in because it was fun. And then let's talk about work being the one who took on the problem projects because I was the only one that could make them better or turn them around, get everyone to align and work together quickly and effectively because of my incredible people, communication, negotiation, and organization skills. I remember hearing people say, give it to darshana. She'll get it done. It m took me several years to recognize that I got overlooked for the promotions, the bonuses, the recognition, or the acknowledgment personally and professionally, because I enjoyed being chosen, being selected for every role or everything that I said yes to. It was fun, it was challenging at times, and it brought out my talents and that, I thought made up for not getting more money or gifts that glorified title or that corner office. But after many years reporting to different managers, having different friendships, having many relationships and getting turned down and even being told I was too nice m I was too valuable to change or promote or even subtly being discriminated for my race, my religion, and being different from the mostly white and female dominated places I would congregate or attend or be in. Until one day I got tired of being overlooked, taken advantage of, and exploited. By then, I had already trained everyone to expect me to show up and give. So my request for a title recognition acknowledgment, a thank you or appreciation fell on deaf ears because I had already spent weeks or months or years giving and showing up and doing and just causing change and transformation and making the world better for others. Recently, I've been contemplating my question. This question, why don't I receive in my life? Why am I not a receiver? In what ways can I bring my giving nature into balance with receiving? And these are the things that came up for me. I wanted so badly to be chosen by the great guy for a date, a skate or promotion. Yes, I'm making a reference to the skating rink and couple skating, sitting there looking, hoping somebody would come and ask me to skate. that didn't feel good. Here are some more things that came to my mind. I wanted so badly to be chosen for that prize promotion and corner office with windows. And then I realized how many times I had said no to some of that. No to the one guy that asked me to skate who saying no to that one guy that asked me to skate at the skating rink. Was I really sending the message out that, no, I really don't want to be asked to skate? Didn't think of that. Then I thought, gosh, all of this feels materialistic and shallow. But darn it, I did deserve some breaks, invitations, kudos, and recognition in material form. Then this came up for me. My ingratitude about receiving the number of times I dishonored and disrespected, being given something which was receiving something. Here are some examples. Family members come to visit and try to hand me cash as they leave, and me saying, no, I appreciate it. It's great that you came to see me, and that's really the greatest gift you can give me. When I did get a gift, I would think to myself, I thought, she or he knew me better than that. In what universe would they think I would like this? It's hideous. Or, oh, I can't stand that color. Or, oh, my gosh, it's not me. Again, being dismissive. I would keep track of the gifts I received because I'd learned that, through role models in my youth, keeping track of the gifts I received so that when the day comes to give that same person a gift, then give them an equal representation of dollars or rest or less to balance out the giving and receiving so that I don't owe anyone anything. And then there was the surprise engagement ring that I didn't really like. It was either too small or not big enough, or the color wasn't right, or the design wasn't right. I wasn't feeling great at having these awarenesses. And then this came up for me. The things I would say or think, I am not lucky. I never win anything. No one ever picks me to be in their group or class or project. And then I again remembered the skating rink. Every time couple skates would begin, I'd sit there wishing someone would ask me to skate with them. Then the one or two times I, was asked, I said no because of something I judged about them when I didn't even know them, or some inherent fear in me. But really, what I was saying and thinking were in opposition to each other. I wanted to be asked to skate and invited to skate, and yet I was fearful of doing it. So they contradicted each other and canceled each other out energetically. By now, I'm hoping that you're getting some awarenesses around, just how we, as human beings have taught, especially as people pleasers, not to receive. I'm willing to bet, too, that, like me, you don't ask for help because it takes a lot of energy to ask for help, and we can just get things done quickly and effectively. And asking for help requires us to let go of our perfectionism, or it being done a certain way, or needing to take the time to explain how we want it done. there's a lot of heaviness around asking for help, but asking for help is also connected to receiving and asking for what we specifically want needs to be done. In a clear way. And then it needs to be received. Are you feeling me here? then I thought, my gosh, I'm so horrid because I keep dismissing it. When people offer to help me or give me gifts or when people are generous and kind, I question it. I become suspicious and I distrust their intentions. I inherently love giving, but I was also taught to be a giver, a good girl, and taught to be judgmental when I received and to say no instead of taking. Recently, I thought I would look deeper into this thing called receiving because I wanted to have a beautiful reciprocal exchange and balance between my giving nature and my ability and just my desire to receive and bring that giving and receiving into harmonic balance because they go together one without the other. it just doesn't work. It's not sustainable. So I went to the dictionary and the thesaurus and studied the word receive. In etymology, the word received means come into possession, of to acquire or receive a gift. It also means to act as a receptacle or container, like the cistern that receives water from the roof when it rains. It also means to assimilate through the mind or senses, like receiving new ideas. I thought, my gosh, do I have that nailed. I have so many ideas. But, I no longer beat myself up for not implementing all of them. I now receive those ideas and I choose which ones are in alignment and which ones feel good and which ones I want to take further. So I connected with, my gosh, I do receive. Yes, I receive ideas. So then I thought, you know what? I'm still not feeling this shift to this harmonic balance between giving and receiving. So I wanted to learn more about how the word receive came into being, how it got formed. This english word receive comes from the latin word capio, and that word capio means I capture, seize, take. I take in understand, or I take on. I m thought, no wonder. My approach to receiving was through giving, which equated to achievement, taking things on without reward. The words I take on resonated for me with the energy of the word receive. As to how I would operate with giving, I would take things on, which was the energy of giving, but not really receiving, but it made sense. Oh, my gosh, this word receive and the origin of it. No wonder I would take things on, but I wanted to know more because energetically, the words, the definition I take on did not really feel like what I was looking for around, what I wanted to have happen around receiving. So I dug deeper. To me, words matter, words have energy, and I wanted to know more. The word, the prefix re that's added to words, means an action being done again, like return, which means going back or backwards. But the word recipio, the word means I recapture in the context of a memory, or, an experience. It also means I receive, but it also means I take back regaining the possession of something, or I take upon myself, I undertake. So still, I wasn't quite there. I was getting closer. I could feel it. I was getting closer to what this energy of receiving means in the context of manifesting attraction and having. But I wasn't still quite there. Then I learned receiving can be about giving or being given something. Receiving also means to meet someone when they arrive, and it also means to react to something or someone in a particular way. That, shows how you feel about that thing, him or her. By now, I was clearer about how my unhelpful attitude about receiving was resulting in me, well, not receiving. None of these definitions, aligned with the energy energetic partner of the word giving. So I wanted to see just how many word variations and associated definitions existed for this word receive. And here's what I found more icky. Feelings and thoughts and beliefs and, hidden attitude. A receivable. A, ah, receivable is something still to be received by the person or company to whom money is owed, or item is owed, amounts or something owed by customers to a company at a particular time and not yet paid. You get it, right? This still felt icky to me. Energetically. That energetic feeling of owing something or being indebted. Once again, I thought, no wonder I'm not a receiver. This word receivable is ingrained in business and in work. Here's another word that we experience frequently in our day to day or weekly activities. The word receipt. That word means something such as a piece of paper or message proving that money, goods, or information have been received by us. The act or state of receiving money or goods. A piece of paper which proves that money or goods have been received, and a piece of paper that shows the price of something that you have bought and proves that you paid for it. felt heavy, almost felt resigned. Proving that I received something that, again, did not feel like the loving partner to the energy of giving, paying attention to the cost and what I paid for what I received. Still icky. By now, I was seeing how whacked my inner hidden attitude towards receiving really was. But I knew I was getting closer, though, because the word related to the act of receiving something and then keeping tabs on it. So I dropped the keeping tabs of it. And I wanted to know more about a person who receives, which led me to the word receiver. And here's what I learned about what the word receiver means. A person who officially deals with the business matters of companies who cannot pay their debts. There's their indebtedness, the indebtedness or the energy of owing again. And then in football it means, in football. Let me just try that again. In football, a receiver is one of the players who can catch the ball on the team that's trying to score points. It also means a piece of electronic equipment that changes radio and television signals into sound and pictures. So I thought, hm, a receiver is someone who catches something. I kind of like that. I immediately went to the visual of all of the bridesmaids, vying to catch the bouquet when the bride tosses it. Catching it. Catching. Receiving. I like that. I was getting closer, but I still wasn't there around the indebtedness. That's not even close to what I was seeking. Being indebted is what givers and people pleasers can feel when receiving anything from others. But the notion of a piece of electronic equipment that changes radio and television signals into sound and pictures resonated not really about the equipment, but from a what if perspective. So what if I was the equipment? What if you're the equipment? And what if your inner signals consist of your energy, beliefs, actions, thoughts and feelings and words? And what if yours and my outer signals consisted of not being open to receiving? Like the times I dismissed compliments or said no to receiving money because I was just glad to be able to give or saying yes to something those would equate to sounds. Or that would. And the pictures could be having an image in our minds of not receiving. Or it could be having a picture in our minds or on our vision board of pining for something that we wanted to receive but were not yet receiving? Ho. This opened something up in my heart and soul. I bet you can tell from my voice and the change in the energy in my voice. Already I was getting closer to connecting with the energy of receiving. And then I found the word receivership. It means a situation in which a company is controlled by the receiver because it has no money, or a situation in which a bankrupt company is under the control of a receiver. My heart fell. My shoulders shrugged even more and got a little more tense. This word receivership made me see, made me see clearly with tears, followed by a deep sigh of relief to know that there was nothing wrong with me, that there's nothing wrong with you that I and we were just taught and conditioned to think receiving was related to owing something to indebtedness. And I finally came to an understanding as to why I was not receiving. I had connected it energetically to being controlled, manipulated or indebted to or by others, a person, organization or circumstance. I could feel my throat constricting, my chest tightening up. As this truth surfaced from the hallows of my gut. It felt uncomfortable. I just sat there, allowing the tears and the feels to flow. I did not get distracted so I would not feel the pain and discomfort. I sat one breath in and one breath out, until suddenly I heard a voice say, keep looking. And then bam. I found this word reception. It means a formal party at which important people are welcomed. It means a way in which people react to something or someone, and the act of welcoming someone or something. Now I knew I was onto something. My shoulders started falling and relaxing. My chest and back straightened up. My head and chin were, up. My chin was parallel to the ground. It still is. As I share this with you. Now I knew I was onto something. I arrived. The act of welcoming someone or something. A party receiving as a people pleaser and giver is the act of welcoming something or someone into our lives. Receiving is having a party in our minds, bodies, and with our feelings in contemplation of receiving something. Oh, this feel felt really good and continues to feel good, and it's so aligned. I did not have to do affirmations every day of the ones that I had been doing. I stopped visualizing about receiving. And my body and mind and soul experienced a deep shift, a profound and simple shift. What if I simply welcomed and celebrated receiving without attachment, without anything to go with it, without anything specific? I said in that moment. Today, going forward, I relish, welcome and celebrate receiving. Today I invite you to join me and relish, welcome, and celebrate receiving. Don't put any specifics on it or any specific thing you want to receive, because it won't work effectively like it didn't for me when I was putting specific things on it, specific pictures and things. It won't work effectively until you embrace in your body this feeling of receiving, this energy of receiving. And, it is my hope and desire that my process of sharing the definitions and my process of going through this research of the words and the energy of the words helps you and guides you to arrive at welcoming. Receiving. Say this with me. I welcome receiving. I celebrate receiving. Now, that's something my mind can latch onto and believe like I believe I welcome receiving. I believe I celebrate receiving. That I can do. There's no attachment to anything. There's simply the presence of the welcoming and celebrating of receiving. There's no attachment. There's freedom. You don't have to physically do anything to celebrate either. But you can, if you desire, add a daily ritual. My morning ritual is to say, I welcome receiving. I celebrate receiving as I drink my morning java and when I lay in bed before I fall asleep, it's simple. I say the same thing. I welcome receiving. I celebrate receiving and I know and trust that it's only for my highest good and benevolence from a place of benevolence. Whatever comes into my life. Sometimes I do light my candle and add it to my meditation time. You can do this when walking or during your yoga practice or whatever else it is that you do. This is a mental, emotional and spiritual shifting process. I welcome receiving. I celebrate receiving and I want you to know I have a grin on my face. I have this smile m this feel good smile on my face. Feels good, doesn't it? I experienced a mental, emotional and energetic shift and I'm sensing you are too. So I invite you to take one step. Just take this one step and welcome receiving. Celebrate receiving and be in reception of receiving. Let me know what happens in your life and what happens as a result of you welcoming and celebrating receiving. I want to hear from you. You can catch me and find me on Dr. Dar. You can find me on drdar.com m at the contact page. You can find me in Facebook or messenger at drdarhawks. You can also find me on Whatsapp through my Facebook page. Dr. Darhawks, I can't wait to hear the results you're receiving and what you're experiencing with this simple act of welcoming and celebrating receiving.